To not know what to do with myself during the day

[Asdson2022]

All 3 of my children now attend full time nursery/school. I'm a sahm unable to get a job. So the obvious answer isn't possible.

The issue is i can't commit to anything and i dont want to spend my days cleaning and being alone :(
Any ideas?

Craft group, reading club local library, walking group or beginnings running, pilates or yoga class,

Op I know you came on wanting to do something.but don’t be afraid to learn how to do nothing. We are(like this thread) proves made to think we need to be doing something proud and productive at all times to be valid.
one great thing to learn especially when you’ve been full on carer is to just rest.let your mind wander.how to be you in your own head.
try lots of things,all things!
being a carer means you always somebody else’s.
so who and what do you want to do. Use this as fun time to explore that.
and of course days can just be filled with sitting doing f all in fro t of a box set. This is ok.
if your financially ok of course.
lots of different volunteer places allow you to do whatever,or on a list they call when they need someone and you can say yes or no.
I think if you explained your situation they would be more than ok with it too.often places only need you to come in when you can.

What about volunteering at your national trust. They always need people and in lots of different roles.
food kitchen
couldnyou contact local charities or care home to you and see whether they need some befriended or help.
after school club.
church
WI
library home service
local cafes
night cafe or mental health hubs

there also borrow my doggy that you can sign up and do all the enrolling yourself online. Then away you go.people get really close to the dogs they look after as it’s quiet often repeated when you find your dog and family fit.

I no you might find it the worse thing in the world when it ALL you’ve been doing. But is there a charity or place that goes with you dc disability?because in some ways you’d be a perfect person for a roll there as you no exactly what goes on and the ins and out of the disability.

Similar situation here OP. I volunteer a lot in school (they understand when I can’t make a session or need to move timings, since it’s normally a result of them calling me!), I try to go along to a local group for parents of children with SN, I catch up on household stuff so the weekends are more relaxed, I go swimming quite a bit on days I’m more confident school won’t phone, sometimes I go to a local craft group - I’m usually thirty years younger than everyone else there but that doesn’t matter! I also have a few SAHM friends I meet up with, though they’re dwindling as our children get older.

It’s a bit daunting when you suddenly have all this time. And it’s hard having your arrangements constantly ruled and interrupted by your child’s needs. But my advice is to try and find communities to join, whether thats through school parent networks, through a shared interest, volunteering in the same place or whatever.

I think maybe you could do with just some being still op. You’ve been on go go go I assume. For such a long time?
never being able to switch off or be yourself or do yourself!
maybe right now with things being so raw and new you just neee to rest. Find your feet. Get your stores all rebooted.
so many parents of disabled kids go to burn out because there is never a stop.
so this time for you is valuable.
could you just do nothing for a wee while and let your kind wander to thinking what you might like to put your hand to.
looking online. Sticking your toe in the water. But genuinely just bloody resting.
becuas I also imagine suddenly being called at a moments notice if your dc needs you isn’t going to be easy or allow you to fully calm either. So rest between time is vital.
and chores of course😋

Have you read all of the OP's posts?

Hey OP,
So I can totally empathise. I have 2 children - my eldest is autistic, starting in reception at a special school this year. It is so isolating for so many complex reasons- and people who aren't in our situation can never fully appreciate it. In my area, there are some quite good carer support groups and meet-ups. I can't go to any of them yet as my younger child is still at home with me. But I think that's what I'd try and do in your situation. That way you're getting some social interaction with people who really get you and understand your life. I really hope you find something OP. X

DH is taking a sabbatical from work, just for a bit if a break mainly, but also because there are a few things he was keen to find the time for. He’s currently;

Learning a new language
Doing the preparatory work towards a second doctorate (on chaos in 2D quantum systems.)
Learning programming and robotics by building an autonomous model plane that will listen for a “what three words” address and then fly off and land there.
Trying to beat the best 10k rowing time he set as a student rower twenty-odd years ago.

There are myriad things that you could do; what are your interests?

@Asdson2022 I understand where you're coming from. I only work weekends so when DS returning to nursery full time I thought WYF do i do with myself? Im a single parent so id have little financial increase taking a second job. Volunteering was my first thought but, like you said, you have to commit a number of days to it which I just couldn't. Instead I now 'volunteer' for my friends. I know one struggles to hoover her stairs, I do that weekly, another can't take the bins out, I do that etc I don't charge any money, just a cup of coffee and a chat. Some things I can do with DS in tow anything else I'll only do when he's at nursery, people are understanding because I'm doing it for free. Do you have any friends or family who need help? If you do ever wish to return to work you'll have character references for your employment gap too. Also it teaches the kids a good example.

Then you clearly haven't been on MN long because you posted in AIBU - where you go when you want the brutal truth. If you're feeling vulnerable ANYWHERE would be better than here.

Perhaps study? It wouldn't be a massive deal if you missed classes if you just explained to the lecturers why and made up the study in your own time. Plus when he's older and doesn't need as much input, it'll stand you in much better stead for getting a job then and open up more opportunities to you.

This is just bonkers. You wish you had a child with special needs that means you have to be on call 24/7 in case they need you?

In your shoes OP I'd probably start looking at running my own business. What are you good at? What are your interests?

Having a veg garden is also brilliant for helping your mental health. It is so therapeutic growing all of these fabulous foodstuffs from seed, getting your hands dirty, connecting with nature and the sense of accomplishment when you look at your haul that you grew from scratch is amazing! I might be a saddo but I get a buzz everytime I male something using just ingredients from the garden.

If you did want to volunteer I used to do so for a charity that was then called Beanstalk.
It's only one and a half hours twice a week term time helping 3 children individually with their reading.
You also play games and chat to them as some do not have an interested adult at home.
It was very rewarding.

Most volunteering does rely on commitment to a time and/or place but don't let that stop you being an arse.

Have you really reached such a low in your life you are envious of women who can’t work because they have a disabled child? Women who have been a full time carer, probably lost some confidence, have responsibilities to their children which prevent them committing to anything during school hours - you’re actually envious of that? Because I’m in a similar position to OP, it’s not as much fun as you seem to think it is, and in real life there are remarkably few people who want to be in my situation. Incredibly few people sit there pregnant and hope for a baby with life long disabilities, appointments, therapies, care needs etc so they too can have a few hours a day during term time where they can sit waiting for school to phone with the latest crisis. Funny that.

Read the room indeed.

I’m on call 24/7 as a parent…..isn’t that how it works?!🙄

Aren’t you a charmer?

I can see the problem, and it is difficult with always being "on call" but at the same time wanting to do something with your life. I have my own business, and my own hours, which offers a lot of flexibility and could be something worth considering? Do you have any skills that you could use to start a small etsy business? Or create a stock of items to sell at craft fairs? There is a whole community of people in these areas. Also when I was younger and needed flexibility I became a house cleaner for a while... working for people who were out of the house all day and were unconcerned when I did their cleaning etc, as long as it got done at some point.

It can be a lot to consider but maybe start looking at skills you can pick up to make something become more solid further down the line?

The gym is a good idea as well, I have made some really nice acquaintances and friends at my local gym. And it offers flexibility and really does help banish negative thoughts! Especially the classes with amazing sound tracks!

I think you should just get into your new routine, start doing your housework/shopping/bills during the day... trying to keep organised and get the housework done when the kids are at school so you have more time with them when they come home/weekends, and start building into that basic routine. So if you can meet someone for a coffee on a Monday, or go swimming on a Tuesday, Gym on a Wednesday... Look to flexible learning to increase skills and get your head back in the game, and just don't put too much pressure on yourself to always be doing something. If you have three kids, one with a disability then you are already doing a lot.

We all are, but being “on call” isn’t a bar to being able to work. Weekend and evening work when the other parent is at home can be a good solution, but even both working at the same time is sometimes possible if the urgent calls aren’t too frequent.

Is it a case of you need a job but can’t find one or you’ve made a decision to be a SAHM? The answers for what you can do with your time will depend upon your financial situation. I think whatever the circumstances, routine is important. I’ll just make a random list of things I think I might like to do if I had the time/money

Book club, see your local library
Swimming, (maybe lessons!)
Voluntary work
Study. Local library’s sometimes run courses also the Job Center may offer skills courses.
Open University course
Local college course shirt course in cake decorating/specific craft/local history/creative writing
Helping out at a playgroup
Craft project at home (cross stitch ect)
Join the WI
Join school PTA

👏

I would start simple. Going to local events as and when you can, maybe joining social or activity clubs which don't require attendance at every session.

Most volunteering does require a time and a place for the type of work which involves other people. However its worth asking organisations such as schools, community centres and foodbanks if they can use volunteers on a more ad hoc basis to help with basic tasks where on any one day more hands are useful.

Don't rule out taking up a class or study subject. This can bring you into social contact as well if you join related interest groups - even online interaction can broaden your circles and may bring you other ideas.

Study with the OU. Interaction with others very occasionally, which was all I could manage in similar circumstances.

volunteer at your DC school. Even if only a couple of hours a week. Their understanding will be unique.

any time left over - go to the gym. Not fixed, no real commitment and great for you.

good luck op.

The allotment idea might be a great thing that you can still do with your child when they refuse to go to school. It would be a lovely way to spend time together and be of benefit to them as well as you. I’d look into that.

As far as volunteering goes I’d look at something to do with local history. They tend to have ongoing projects which don’t require specific times each week.

Walking rescue dogs or visiting elderly people is something that you could probably also do around your children’s needs.

Id also try fitness classes. You don’t need to go every week. Or you could join a gym and use the machines. Then you can go at times that suit you.

Crafting is also something that you can join groups for and it doesn’t matter if you miss a week.

And finally I’d write a list of things that make you feel good and then try to do one thing off it each day. Self care is important, especially as a carer. Speaking of which, have you applied for PIP? If not, maybe you should look into that

I think your options are do some gym classes (bit of social interaction), an online course which will keep your brain ticking over or volunteering of some description. I'd personally go for a combo of all 3, they can all be done flexibly too. If you plan to return to work one day this would hopefully put you in a better position too.