Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

Why do you need to specify an operation? Just tell school he is having minor surgery and needs time off to recover, they don't need to know details.

Don’t lie to school but do ask them to keep it private. School have a duty of care and such they need to know to make sure he doesn’t accidentally injure himself after the op. Re friends and family it’s up to you but please don’t make your son feel like he should be ashamed about it.

"He's having an operation. It's nothing dangerous, but it's a private matter and out of respect for him I won't be sharing the specifics."

No lies, and his privacy is protected.

Ask DS if he wants people to know or not. If he doesn't mind then there is no issue really. If he wants to keep it private then say the operation is to fix a small hernia.

I wouldn't hide what it's about, he particularly needs to know- but if you must then a lot of people call it a hernia op.

I'm not sure I would lie as such. But I wouldn't give any information if at all possible. "He needs to have a quick operation" and leave it at that?

In my family / circle of friends that would be sufficient for them to not push for more info. If that's not the case with your family then be ready to just shut down any further questions with simple statements like "I don't want to discuss it" or whatever you think would work.

School will keep the information on a strictly need to know basis so please don’t worry about that.

I feel like saying that (and it's totally reasonable) makes people WANT to query and ask more questions. Human nature and all that. Not everyone in my family respects boundaries (theyre all nosey parkers 🙄) which is basically why i am asking.

I wouldn't want to send a message to my 7 year old that genitals are so shameful and embarrassing we have to come up with lies to avoid mentioning them.

I think the op would struggle keeping it from her son!

I would say hernia as well because people are nosey and will push for or make up extreme reasons if you say private matter.

Presumably family know about the issue? Or you haven’t told them for 7 years? Bit weird if so…. If they do know then they’ll be happy about the operation to get it solved! Ditto any friends who may happen to already know of the problem - if they don’t, they don’t need to know, I’d just not mention it.

School - keep it vague. If they do need to know maybe you can evidence appointment letter - take a photo on phone and edit using pen tool to scribble out sensitive bits.

You should tell the school the truth so that they are aware and mindful of the recovery and potential future issues such as injuries during playtime and P.E. etc. They won't share it wider with staff but the key people who need to know will be informed.

However, if he doesn't feel comfortable sharing that information with his friends then it's entirely up to him what he wants to say to them. I have to say, I've had several boys in my classes have similar operations over the years and there's never been any bullying come from those who chose to be public about it but, equally, there are some who just kept it private and that worked out fine too.

They should, but I wouldn’t bank on it

neverbeen difference between shame and privacy.

Just say he's having an orchidectomy or whatever the medical word is. Teacher won't have time to Google it.

I wouldn't lie, that will just cement the fact to your son that it is something to be embarrassed about and will make him feel worse.

A small hernia repair

agree with this

Presumably family know about the issue? Or you haven’t told them for 7 years? Bit weird if so….

Weirder if op son's genitals are topic of conversation.

Omg i wouldnt ever lie to my son. Dont assume!

Hes had a consultant for years and has to go through checks and what not with him.

He knows what is happening.

Its every other person getting involved and ASSUMING like you just did thats the problem!

Firstly, there is nothing embarrassing about needing an operation on an undescended testicle. You responding to this operation as if it were an embarrassing secret is teaching your son that his sexual organs are something to be ashamed of and embarrassed about.

Secondly, you’re referring to telling the school, family and friends - all adults - about what he’s having done. Why would any adult bully a child for having an undescended testicle? I really think you’re projecting your own thoughts and feelings about this being embarrassing onto others.

Ultimately your child’s medical treatment is a private issue and you don’t need to tell anyone anything specific about it if you don’t want to - just telling them he’s having a minor routine op is sufficient - but you really do need to address why you think this is so embarrassing as you’re teaching your child to be ashamed of his body.

Yup

Presumably family know about the issue? Or you haven’t told them for 7 years? Bit weird if so….

You think it's weird not to discuss your child's genitals with your family?

I would say that's completely normal.

He knows hes having an op on his testicles. He knows why. We dont bring it up every day. He knows that its a private matter because its his privates.

Someone being an adult doesn’t mean they won’t let it leak, discuss in front of other kids or similar.

I’d hold back.