Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

My ds is 7. He would be all for showing his scar to family members!

Hmm I'd maybe say he's getting a lump/bulge in his abdomen repaired. They'll probably assume hernia. There's no need to go into details.

school need to know in case he goes back and has pain, or rough and tumble play affects him

Yep.

"Son is having surgery and will be off until (date). His consultant has said that he will be unable to do PE for four weeks post surgery. Thank you"

That's all I would expect as a teacher. It's rare to be told any details unless it's emergency surgery such as appendicitis.

Does he want to keep it secret?

I think legally the school need to know due to Duty of Care and if there is a medical emergency they need to know his medical details so you absolutely must tell the school, but he himself doesn't need to tell his classmates what it was. He can just say he was off sick if any of the kids ask him (if they even care or notice, to ask him, in the first place).

Definitely tell the truth to the school, they need to know because of recovery.

Do not lie to your family, there is absolutely no need. Just tell them what he’s having done, why would you be embarrassed to tell your family this? Why would you encourage ds to be embarrassed about then knowing? Are they not nice people?

My ds needed a circumcision for medical reasons age 12, I told the school and my family.

cant you just say hes home from school because he is sick if asked? Not sure why theyd need to know about the operation in the first place.

Hes got a temp so have to covid test etc etc

Yeah I would just say he's having minor surgery, he'll be off school for x days to recover and then won't be able to do PE for a further y days.

First time my son had an op on one, he told people he’d had an eye op (he’s also had that in the past) and then realised that there was an obvious problem when he wanted to go out a bit over the half term. He was about 13 when that happened.

When he had a torsion in lockdown, he was totally upfront and now tells pretty much anyone who’s a friend about his ‘ball surgery’ - no one bats an eye (although he likes to go into the detail that makes them squirm.

in terms of aftercare, it’s easier if adults know - happens a lot at schools so I wouldn’t be anxious about keeping it private from adults in loco parentis. Kids can be mean but if you’ve got a confident kid, maybe he’ll style it out, if not now, then later on.

This.

Anyone who's rude enough to push for more info should be dealt with in an equally forthright way. Eg that's personal or that's none of your business.

Agreed, why would this need to be discussed at all.

As a school, because of the pressures from the DfE re attendance, we ask for evidence of all medical appointments. We don’t keep any copies on file or record the details. In your case we would note something like “Absence for surgical procedure, medical advice to remain away from school until x date and no physical exertion until x date - evidence seen by staff initial”. It is the office who sees this NOT the teacher who would simply be told that it is an authorised medical absence and dates for PE etc. It is actually quite a common situation (I was surprised by how many boys in the school have actually had this procedure).

It is always best to be straightforwardly honest with the school. Imagine if you were the mother of a girl from with a Sub Saharan African Background and you told me that she would be absent “for a medical procedure and recovery” and you won’t tell me what it is or provide medical evidence… I’m afraid it would ring alarm bells and I would be duty bound to escalate it. Not relevant to OPs case BUT just to illustrate why we ask for evidence and honesty - it’s NOT to be nosy and we don’t go off and chat about it.

You should tell school in the event he is in pain or injured later on. Where I work it would be kept quiet except on a need to know basis.

I can't really understand your concerns re family knowing - presumably we talking adults here, but fine if that's how you feel as long as you aren't asking your son to keep it from them and making him feel it's something embarrassing or shameful.

As for peers at school, they 1. Won't be interested in WHY your son isn't in school, 2. Probably wouldn't understand even if your son explained and 3. Are quite young to pick up on having time off school as something to be bullied over. At the most he will get a "where were you?" To which he can say, "in hospital as I was having an op / not well".

I can why understand why a teenager might be embarrassed.

It seems like you're making a bigger deal out of it than anyone else would OP.

Just say 'he's having a small operation on his groin' to those who don't need to know. And tell your family the truth - they're not going to make fun of him!

OP, my 5 yo DS has had two of these surgeries - one on each side.

School & nursery did need to know specifics because as well as general guidance around avoiding PE there was specific guidance around avoiding straddling equipment like bikes and see-saws for a longer time, after PE was ok again.

I don't think telling the school is any issue, this is a common surgery and no one will bat an eyelid, nor will they break their duty of confidentiality to your son.

Personally with my boy I encourage him to tell the truth if asked. There is no shame around having any surgery IMO and lying about it makes it seems as if it's something shameful or embarrassing.

Obviously as you already know, if kids want to bully they will always find some reason to do so - I don't think lying is the answer to that. I do think you should address the bullying with the school as a separate issue to the surgery, and I hope the situation improves for your son.

Best of luck with it all.

The privacy rule about genitals is about not showing them, rather than not discussing them full stop. No wonder so many men don't go and seek medical help /talk to people about issues with their genitals when so many people seem to think it's right that all discussion of them is prohibited 🙄. As previous posters have noted, schools have a duty of care and are bound by confidentiality. The kids taught that privates are a big taboo are the same ones taunting /teasing over this sort of thing because theyve been taught it's unmentionable /shocking /a subject that's secretive and this attracts curiosity.
There's a difference between teaching kids not to show their genitals /allow people touching them etc, and teaching kids genitals are unmentionable, it's not healthy.

I met an ex of mine who’d had an un descended removed because it was damaged. He was so messed up about keeping it private. Ages to be intimate and then a big sit down chat to warn me. Frankly I’m not sure I would have noticed had he not, at least not straight away. He hardly had any women and couldn’t believe it was not a BIG BIG DEAL.

His mum had taught him to hide it and not tell anyone. Honestly if it were my son I’d just be factual and straight talking, not advertising but being very clear it was not an issue. If family asked I’d say, and I’d mock them in front of him if they said anything! Hiding things always builds it up into something more, and more anxiety. He’ll tell someone anyway one day and it’ll be latched on to then that it was lied about.

I would be honest with the school as they have a duty of confidentiality. As to friends/family, I would tend towards honesty and openness, but maybe ask your son how he'd like to approach it? In my experience, boys of that age love regaling people with gory ghoulish details, so he might be all for being open.

Just to add, I'm sure you've already been told this, but he's at slightly increased risk of testicular cancer, which tends to strike in late teens-twenties, so he should be aware of the need for monitoring and self-exam as he gets older.

Hope all goes smoothly!

DS had the same,we told the school it was for a minor op and he told his friends he had an operation on his tummy.

The privacy rule about genitals is about not showing them, rather than not discussing them full stop. No wonder so many men don't go and seek medical help /talk to people about issues with their genitals when so many people seem to think it's right that all discussion of them is prohibited 🙄

@KweenieBeanz makes a very good point here ^

Blimey OP - OTT much 🙄

At that age I'd tell the school, ds1 had to have a circumcision a few years older than your ds and had to be really careful for a few weeks after. None of his friends knew .

If you really don't want family to know either don't say anything or tell them it's a hernia

DS had an op in the same area at about that age. He was quite delighted to get the extra time off school because actually you do need to be very careful about not getting kicked in that area. He was quite happy to tell everyone and there were no repercussions from that. You can tell the school, and you should at least say that the op is on the genital area so they can can take the necessary steps to protect him. You can ask them to keep it private from the children. He may need to be off school for some time so if you can time it for a few weeks before a school holiday that would be good. The school can and should provide work for this period. Ours would include them into the classroom remotely.
As for family, I don't get why you wouldn't tell them, but again, you can say minor surgery in the groin area.