Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

Ds had a testicular torsion - we were very open partly shock partly also didn't want school to dismiss any concerns post surgery or force him into activities.

Older sister knew as we had to explain where he was in morning - and she was a last resort if they did dismiss any concerns he had - she had phone and often got listen to more by staff.

But then I'd had some very frustrating experiences with his primaries and his inhaler for asthma - so was more concerned about his medical well being.

So I'd tell the school and insist on confidentially - which TBH should be there anyway- and just say operation to everyone else.

I would stick with the general 'he's having an operation as @saraclara said, UNLESS the consultant, post op, indicates a need for care for a while.

For example, if the consultant says there's a chance of problems with the wound reopening if the area is hit then the school needs to know as medical help might be needed if he has an accident at school. You wouldn't want them to assume it's a normal school boy knock and he'll be fine when he could, actually, need to get checked out asap would you?

Schools have a lot of information about a lot of children on file on a need to know basis.

But family don't need to know the specifics.

Well don't say orchidectomy for a start! That's removal of a testicle.

@LittlewhitelieLily136
Tell your son honestly what is being done,
but the school and others-
Just say hernia ( Hydrocele?)
It’s likely he will have a small abdominal scar from it, so no one will ever notice.

Best wishes for a fast recovery.

Please just tell the truth to the school. He will be unable to do PE for a while after, they need to know so they can keep him safe. No need to be embarrassed, it happens to more than you think.

100% agree with all this. Privates are private, not unmentionable/ embarrassing/shameful

I would tell school simply because when he returns to school if he gets knocked they need to know. There is no reason for anyone else to know though.

when Ds had an operation in a similar area when he was much younger I just told people he was having a little procedure unless they where going to be caring for him

No but she can show her son that he has a right to privacy, especially about his body and medical matters

id go the “your medical history is nobody’s business” route

Just say his having minor surgery and he wants it to be private. You don't need to explain any more that that. Surely his family wouldn't bully him though ?

I personally wouldn't want my 7yo son to feel that he had any reason to be embarrassed about needing an operation on any part of his body. I'd stop making such a big deal about it.

That being said, it's going to be the subject of school gossip you think it is. His teacher isn't going to yell through the class "Oh, little Fred is off because he's having an operation on his balls!" You're over-thinking the schools interest and reaction.

*It's NOT going to be the school gossip.

Bloody too fast typing for my own good.

I would put your balls on the line and tell the truth

I think school need to be told in order he doesn’t injure himself when he returns. It’s quite common so the likelihood is that at least one teacher will have a child gone/going thru the same thing.

as for family, just leave it at ‘a minor op/procedure’ and dont explain further. If they push then a definitive ‘I’m not discussing it further’ will suffice and ignore further attempts to gain info.

also, what does ur son think/feel? If he knows/hears u lying to family he may feel ashamed when there’s nothing to be ashamed about. If he’s happy for family to know but school to get limited detail then go with that. If he doesn’t care either way then don’t lie/be vague with anyone.

overall, I think ur overthinking it simply because ur his mum and that’s what mums do. Chat with him and agree a way forward that doesn’t involve lying as such, just that there’s a procedure being done, it’s personal and we won’t be elaborating.

My DS had a similar op when he was 5. I was careful to only tell close family and the school what the op was. I just said he was having a minor surgery. I didn’t say what. If someone asked more id just say ‘I feel a bit bad telling everyone his medical details. While my kids are young I keep it confidential for them until their old enough to decide and tell everyone themselves’. Until one of the mums told me he’d told all the boys in his class what he was having done 😂 he didn’t know the name of the op so he’d described it to then 😂 The boys in his school were fine about it but if your DS is already being bullied I’d probably be cautious too.

You can ask them to keep it private from the children.

You don’t need to do this - medical information is NEVER shared.

If another child asks me why “Duncan” is away I would just say “that’s Duncan’s business”. TBH other children very rarely ask……

Tbh I think it's more important to teach him not to be ashamed. I think you're putting far too much weight on it. He's 7, who cares? Are people really going to keep asking questions about a 7 year old testicle? The only response I could possibly muster is "oh right. Hope it goes well."

You don’t need to lie . School will treat the information as confidential . Try teacher won’t announce to the class why DS is off .

OMG people telling you to "be honest" and "tell the truth".

It's none of anyone's business! No I would not be telling anyone you don't feel comfortable with knowing. And that includes family. Just say it's a hernia like someone else did. Why put him through the extra stress. People always laugh and giggle and poke fun at that area. Be cautious.

The school is different because of duty of care. But friends and family. NO!

He’s already being bullied, I would be wary to possibly give them any more ammunition, plus it’s also a good lesson that we’re entitled to privacy even though people these days are more open about personal stuff, we still decide for ourselves what we want to share or not.
Personally, if I was having a surgery on my privates, I wouldn’t tell people because I consider that part of my body exactly as it’s described, private. The only one who decides what is to be shared about it with the rest of the world is imo, your DS.
If he decides to keep it private, I would tell people he’s having a minor surgery, nothing serious. If they ask what for, ask them why they would like to know. I always do that when people ask about stuff that’s none of their business. They usually don’t have an answer back because then they’d have to admit that’s it’s purely their curiosity and no other reason. For those who are genuinely concerned and are close to you, you can assure them again that it’s nothing serious.

I agree - tell the school but they absolutely shouldn't be telling anyone else what the operation is for.
And tell family it's a hernia

This. Also, it’s his body. Is he as embarrassed about his body as you are? I doubt it. What does he want to tell people?

Just tell your family the truth
Hiding it all is sending the message to your son that he should be ashamed
Which he shoulndt!

If you dont wanna tell school its fine . Then dont disclose what it is. But you dont have to lie.
And stop talking about this surgery every day. Its just something that needs to happen. Stop making a big deal out of it.

Why do friends and family need to know? I had a surgery once and didn’t wanna tell anyone it was quite easy not to mention it at all and just be cautious to ignore any invites for that week . Ghost then and pretend nothing happened. For the school ‘needs minor surgery will be back following week’ is fine .

I agree, not saying will lead to people asking/speculating/talking about him. I'd say a hernia. I'd just say to your son that hernia means an operation for various things and no need to be specific.

What about something like:

My son Obadiah Jones is having a small surgery on Wednesday.

He'll need to be off school the rest of the week. I'll be in contact if this changes.

Many thanks

Obadiah Jones' Mum