Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

What has 6 got to do with it? One of my sons had an operation at 4, the hospital rule was all clothes off and into a surgical gown and he refused to take his pants off. He was absolutely determined that no nurse was having his pants when his op was on his head. There was a stand off until the very sensible orderly asked him if his name was X and son confirmed it, orderly said can you tell the number on your wrist band and son did. Orderly then gave him his notes to carry to theatre and said he wouldn't let the nurse take his underpants either and off they went, pants removed when the GA was working. Children can be very clear about their privacy from a young age and we should be encouraging that, it protects them.

My son had this done about the same age. I told school that he was going to be off for an op. I didn't tell them as it wasnt necessary, he would have a docs note on to give the school.
We told family for health reasons... they would ask why he wasnt charging about kicking a ball, and all the male relatives were incredibly kind to him. He wasnt embarrassed. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, its a corrective operation, many have it. He told his friends and everyone what he had done, and was quite proud of the scars! Hes now 20 and its completely forgotten about because no big deal was made in the first place.

My friend’s teenage son has testicular cancer which wasn’t caught early because he was too embarrassed to mention it. I am trying to teach my son that there is nothing embarrassing about testicles.

Why not? Nothing to be ashamed of. If he had a deformed toe then it would not be an issue.

OP, as his parent, should tell the school, who are in loco parentis and cannot take on that responsibility without the facts.

How would the child be harmed by his family knowing? One of my GSs has a penile abnormality - we all know - no-one bats an eyelid about it. Are we to pretend our sons and grandsons have no genitalia?

I am amazed at people being so twee about this.

But he doesn't hate it - he gains from the fact that we all take it in our stride and do not make a big deal out of it.

Just because you had an over-involved MIL, does not mean that other better-functioning families do not behave normally. I would not have known this fact if it had not been told to me - that does not make me "over-involved" but simply the recipient of a piece of unremarkable information.

As a mother of far too many boys, who will never mature, I know only too well how young males love taking the piss out of anything genital-related.
I'm entirely with the OP on this one and would just say hernia. It's close enough to the truth, decently boring and forgettable.

What on earth do you mean by “mother of far too many boys who will never mature”??? 🤷‍♀️

My DD has had multiple operations over the years, and I have never once told the school what they were for or about.

When I tell them I am taking her out of school I just tell them it is to go to the hospital and we will need X days to recover. I send them the confirmation letter from the NHS and black out everything personal, NHS number, reason for visit, nature of operation, just leaving the date and time of the surgery.

@Jizzle I know it's your child's privacy but what if your child had an accident at school and an ambulance had to be called. Wouldn't it's be helpful towards the medics involved if the school could say "this child has just had X operation" and with details such as NHS number the doctors can quickly get hold of the medical records, relevant surgical department if needs be. Would you prefer your child potentially having a delay on treatment because it takes you a while to get to the hospital.
My daughter has a bone condition. Her school knows. They won't gossip about it in the staffroom. They won't talk about it to any children. It's just details on her file. But if she - for example - tripped down the stairs and broke her arm it would be extremely helpful for the A+E docs to know she has her condition.

@Jizzle I mean surely you would tell the school if your child has a life threatening allergy? Or would you keep that private too?

Schools should ask for evidence of hospital appointment/operation as this will go down as Medical on the school register and will not count towards percentage absence. If no evidence provided, schools may class this as an unauthorised absence and parents could be fined. Schools are bound by confidentiality and only the staff who need to know will know.

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You risk teaching him to be embarrassed about his body. No part of the body is embarrassing. Private yes but we don't need to conceal these things.

It's the reason women don't go for smears and men don't get that lump in the testicle checked out. We need to normalise bodies not hide from talking about them.

You risk him being bullied (when he is already being bullied) do you think that people that get bullied over such issues talk about issues in the future?

I wonder how he feels? I wonder how he will feel as he gets older. He might not like it at all and I'm not sure it is better functioning to be discussing a child's genitalia when it is none of your business. In what way do you "take it in your stride?" It has no bearing on your life so nothing for you to take in your stride. You realise if it hadn't been discussed with you then you wouldn't have been making any deal of it because you wouldn't be involved.

My MIL would have answered just like you, she had no idea how much the children hated her nosiness and was baffled as they grew up and told her nothing.

Well, if its any help, my young God Son had an infection in one of his testicles and had to go to hospital for the night and on antibiotics. He told everyone and was very proud of his swollen testicle - I really don't think you need to worry. i really don't think there is any need to lie to anyone.