Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

The only issue regarding school not being privvy to it, is when he goes back to school and plays football/does PE etc.

I would feel that the teacher present would need to understand the issue if there was a contact with a foot or a ball etc

private matter because its his privates.

Exactly, not telling people isn't making him ashamed, it is continuing the lesson that some things are private.

Private and shameful are not the same thing.

You know your son, but IME taking a deep breath, being completely matter off act and low key helps.

Your son should not feel that he has anything ‘shameful’ going on.

I have a Dc with huge visible scars and a clear ‘difference’. They wear shorts, shrug it off, feel confident about their own body, and that tends to make any bullies lose interest. They never suffered bullying at primary (or secondary), only a bit of curiosity followed by quite sensitive support.

Could you give your Ds the language to take control of his own story? “A little op in my tummy to push one of my balls down. They sometimes get stuck, it happens to about one in xxx number of people”.

Tell the school - it's not reasonable or sensible to withhold medical information like that. As PP have said, they need to know in case of injury in the playground/ PE etc

To anyone else - he's having minor routine surgery. End of.

I think in the context of having a newborn and being told this news pretty soon after that it would be mentioned to your parents etc.

Thats what I was trying to say, you just done it so much better!

My cousin had to have similar surgery when he was a similar age. I remember it being discussed in a very matter of fact way - I was about nine.

a couple of years later I had a lump on my breast that needed to a biopsy. I am glad there was no shame or embarrassment about these things.

Say he has a hernia and is having it operated on.

In the nicest possible way, it could be that the school staff are not nearly as interested in this as you think they are. The school admin may well simply mark the absence "medical - minor surgery" and never give it a second thought as long as he returns when expected with no special treatment needed.

However, I do agree that being overtly secretive does draw more attention than frankness, so my advice is to simply send an email calling it minor surgery, and only if they contact you for more info, say that it's a hernia. Don't go straight in with the "i'd rather not say..." mystery.

Of course there is. But I think feeling the need to lie suggests shame.

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints my dad was told it was a hernia and believed it all his life! He only found out the truth when it came up as an issue for one of my children and his mum admitted that's what he had!

do you know the after care?
will he need to be careful when he goes back to school
they definately need to know

I think you’re making a big deal about something that really isn’t a big deal. Having an op on his testicles is really no different to an op
on his heart or leg. He may not want to share explicit medical details with his friends but surely the adult members of your family won’t give it a second thought

I think we might have gone with hernia story at school but we were open with family.

I don't see why you have to lie. All that will lead to is people looking it up, researching the fake op to be informed, trying to help, etc. You just do not need to give the info. For school: He is having an operation and will be x for x amount of time. His consultant has advised x about physical activities. I will update when necessary.’

family: he is having an operation.

I agree with this.

This is so incredibly odd. There is nothing wrong with having an undescended testicle, and having testicles full stop. It wouldn’t even cross my mind.

So what if an aunt talks about his operation when he is 17? Hopefully he has the confidence to say ‘oh yeah, that. I don’t really remember’. Like, who cares?!?

and of school need to know! What if he gets hit with a ball in PE or kicked in the playground?! They would rightfully need to call home so he can be checked.

i think you will be the one giving your son issues- not people knowing about his genital surgery.

Now that is awful.
But the op has said the child is completely aware and knows what is happenings as he should. I just don't think everyone else needs to know.

I’d just say ‘like a hernia op’ if you don’t want to lie outright -it’s in the same part of the body so post op care would be very similar. I personally think you do want to avoid upper primary school boys knowing or it could become unpleasant depending on the kids.

You don't have to tell the school why. 'Minor operation' is fine. They have a duty to protect privacy anyway but things do get out. They do not need to know specifics. As for family that's up to you - it's not embarrassing as such but unless you live in each other's pockets I don't know why you have to tell anyone if you don't want to.

My nephew had the same op, no one batted an eyelid. All adults who knew were sympathetic and I don’t think any of the children were that bothered.
However, I wouldn’t lie as such but maybe fudge the truth? “He’s having an abdominal procedure” or a “hernia operation”.

I agree no one needs to know although it would be useful to tell the school so they know to be careful around PE lessons or if he has unexpected pain etc.
(Does it not specify on the hospital letter -which you usually have to show for authorised medical leave? So they'd know anyway.)
However... I know several boys who had this done at a similar age and they were all pretty open about what was being done (to both adults and fellow class mates).
It was often quite an interesting conversation 🙂

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints she hasn't said it when I commented and I wasn't assuming either way, just covering both bases.

DS had an emergency op on his testicle a couple of months ago. He needs a week off school and then no PE for a month.

He's 14 and didn't want anyone to know. I just food school he had some surgery and needed to be careful for s few weeks. No one asked anything.