Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

My daughter has precocious puberty. From the start I've been open and honest with everyone about it. She also has pectus carinatum so a very obvious chest deformity.

My daughter understands her harry potter. Fear of the name increases fear of the thing itself.

I'd actually missed the important part of the post he already gets bullied

I wouldn't give them anymore ammunition, I am sorry to read he is being bullied.

What does he want to do?
When I was at primary school one of my younger brothers friends was over for tea and hospitals were mentioned- something random like a particular one being new. Friend said he’d had his operation there and being 8 I asked what operation. It was what your son is having and I remember a) being impressed that he was sanguine about it and b) my mother saying think before you ask about potentially sensitive topics.

This.

They have no business knowing.

DS doesn't want it shared, it's only a minor procedure.

My son had this and we just said to family it was an operation for his testicle, no one has ever asked again in the many years that have followed.

For the public at large, no one needs to know surely but you can just say a delicate operation and I promise you, no one will ask “what’s wrong with your sons penis”. They just won’t.

Actually scrap that- re being bullied, yes if I was minded it was then bullying ammunition.

To school I would say it is a minor op, they might need to see a hospital letter anyway. I wouldn't expect it to go further than the school office for confidentiality reasons. As for telling your family, why would you need to? Unless they live round the corner and are at yours or you at theirs everyday why would you need to mention it? How would they find out?

This.

My husband had an op as a kid. If anyone asked he said he would wink and say “piranhas”.

You think the receptionist, class teacher or head teacher is going to bully him?

Its private and confidential, no one else will know.

Also I have had several surgeries including one in another country without my family ever noticing, why would they if its local day surgery no one notices and if you have to travel you just say its a holiday.

To be honest your embarrasement and horror is likely what will effect his self esteem, your making a HUGE deal about how shameful and embarrasing this is when it isn't, that negativity will stay with him.

This is perfect. You and he know what is being done. Nobody else needs the finer details.

You don’t lie, DS is having a minor operation, he’ll need time off school, DS has asked me not to divulge which I respect. Any questions rinse and repeat 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm going against the grain here. I would have it out in the open and teach my son that it's no embarrassing issue.

I say this out of experience as my son has lots of investigations and was going to have to have both testes brought down. In the end it was decided they were just retractile so no surgery needed. Literally everyone knew about it and not one of his friends made any kind of drama out of it.

Most people will assume he is having a late circumcism. I once had a child in my class who had childhood testicular cancer, all the staff knew and sympathised because obviously it is a condition that has long term effects, but none of the children were aware, or for that matter interested in why he had been away. I also had a young Turkish boy who told everyone about the day he was circumcised, mostly because he wanted to boast about all the amazing presents his family gave him for the rite of passage this represented!

DS is going into hospital for a procedure and the recovery time is xyZ, he will be off games for xyZ. No need to go into detail or lie.

Tell family he has covid.

Tell school he needs a minor op.

Its a health issue thats recovery period could be dangerous is the people caring for him dont know.

Thats what confidentiality is for but refusing to tell people who need to know and are legally sworn to confidentiality is pure embarasment and shame.

This. Or just say a hernia.

Nobody round here would assume late circumcism. Wouldn’t occur to me at all. Just say minor op and any questions just respond “oh nothing serious”.

Privacy every time. You don't know how other people are going to react and they have no reason to know so why give an opportunity for awkwardness or bullying.
Just say he's having a minor op and when you expect him to be back in school. That's all anyone needs to know.

My older one has medical appointments galore and I just say 'medical appointment'.

Just type them an email to say that he is having surgery or get the doctor to write a note saying that " Son needs 5 days sick leave because he will be having a minor surgery" and that is it. NO one needs to know.

I think it depends on whether you need the school to take special care/make special arrangements for him afterwards. If so, then you really need to tell them the details, but you would absolutely assume that that would be in confidence. (You can reiterate this point if it’s important to you.) But I’d be wary of making your son think this is anything in any way to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

DS had an eye operation at about the same age. His own teacher told me not to bring him back until it was fully healed because children at this age can be very, very cruel and will taunt.

I grant you OP's son is not having a visible operation but if word gets out to his peers that it's a testicle operation, they will make fun of it.

It's not about adults knowing there's nothing shameful about it, it's about the children not finding out.

Now that's exactly how to make people curious and gossipy. "Why isn't she saying what it is? How weird. What could it possibly be do you think?"