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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

392 replies

LittlewhitelieLily136 · 03/09/2022 10:13

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

  1. Because it's no-one elses business
  2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 03/09/2022 11:42

And teach your kid some coping strategies and come backs in case that it is brought up at some point
But really
I dont see the issue really

Normalise it. Shrug it off

He now just has more balls than all other kids. Teach him that ;)

ancientgran · 03/09/2022 11:42

Notjusta · 03/09/2022 11:20

100% agree with all this. Privates are private, not unmentionable/ embarrassing/shameful

Show quote history

At the same time if he wants privacy he is entitled to privacy. There is no rule that we have to discuss our medical conditions with all and sundry.

Branleuse · 03/09/2022 11:42

hes having a routine planned operation.
If they ask for details, say its a bit of a personal one

User6761 · 03/09/2022 11:44

I work in a health related field. This would be a complete non issue, i don't view testicles as being embarrassing any more than I do lungs. Having to construct a lie seems bizarre to me. And lying sends a strong signal to your son that you find it embarrassing. People's embarrassment about some body parts/functions causes deaths when they are reluctant to seek medical help/discuss symptoms. It's really important imho that children don't grow up to think their are parts of their body they shouldn't discuss.

Anyway, when I was at primary school (1980s), I remember a nurse came to check that the boys' testicles had descended. In the same way as an optician came to test for eye sight and colour-blindness. I don't recall it being something that the children found funny or made fun of.

orbitalcrisis · 03/09/2022 11:45

You could try distracting each time someone asks. 'What op is he getting?' 'It's just a minor day surgery.' 'Breast augmentation, he's wanted them ever since I stopped feeding him.' They'll get the message in the end that you don't want to tell them.

Musti · 03/09/2022 11:46

When people just say they have to go to hospital or something and don’t give any more details I don’t pry.

Plenty of people keep medical issues private.

But you’re right, people are nosey. Not sure what I would do.

Blossomtoes · 03/09/2022 11:46

I’d go along with whatever he wants. He’s plenty ld enough to decide what he wants people to know. I do think your attitude is very unhealthy @LittlewhitelieLily136.

Blossomtoes · 03/09/2022 11:46

Old enough.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/09/2022 11:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Exactly.

To close family, I would say it to them - I'm surprised they don't know after 7 years. However I know all families are different.

School - I'd also tell them, it's relevant medical information. No details are needed.

Wider friends / community - refer to a minor medical procedure & don't say anymore.

It's perplexing how much you are over-thinking it.

FrippEnos · 03/09/2022 11:46

Just tell the school what they need to know.
Its a minor operation.
Length of time off required.
Anything the school needs to do to aid recovery.

the school only needs to know anything more if there are long term consequences, issues or requirements.

User6761 · 03/09/2022 11:48

Completely agree with @EarringsandLipstick , this is the approach I'd take too.

WavePlant · 03/09/2022 11:48

You should ask my in laws for advise. FIL couldn’t tell you what surgery his wife was having as it was “woman’s issues”. HTH
Just say hernia op if they ask but I wouldn’t teach your family that it was something to be ashamed of

CantFindTheBeat · 03/09/2022 11:49

Do people really not think that some kids are absolute bloody horrors?

Anything to do with testicles/vulva/vaginas/penises can be playground gold for some little shits.

OP - what does your son want to tell his mates?

From my perspective, going with the hernia op is absolutely fine and the right thing to do.

Nothing shameful about it the real reason at all, but erring on the side of privacy is my thought.

If he's cool about it and happy to laugh off any jokes, then that could steer you another way.

PuppyMonkey · 03/09/2022 11:52

I mean I’m not a teacher or anything. But if I were, I would like to be informed about the nature of the op, just because he’ll be coming back to my class after recovery and I’m supposed to be looking after him and making sure he doesn’t put strain on the area and keeping my eye out for any potential problems like infections etc.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 03/09/2022 11:52

He's not even 7 yet, kids that age don't really give a crap why other children are off. If one of his friends asks he can say he wasn't very well . He doesn't even need to tell them he had an op

Alohaoi · 03/09/2022 11:53

I really don't see why you'd need to lie. There's nothing embarrassing about testicles, they're a body part like any other. I'd worry that lying is going to make your son more self conscious over it than he needs to be. Personally I would want the school to know so they can keep an eye incase he gets knocked, or seems in discomfort. Telling them nothing but that he's had an op doesn't help them look after him.

SavBbunny · 03/09/2022 11:54

I would just tell the school 'gentleman's operation' and leave it at that.
Anyone nosey enough to ask is neither a lady or gentleman.

PeekAtYou · 03/09/2022 11:54

Is there a chance he might say that he is having an operation on his testicles?

I would say "minor op" or hernia repair but it might be difficult to explain to your son why you were lying because his genitals aren't shameful and he might not understand why he can't discuss it with extended family.

girlgonenorth · 03/09/2022 11:54

My son had to be circumcised when he was 7 because he developed a condition that could only be cured by this, it all happened quickly and we were open about it, told the school what the operation was and friends. Anyway it made our son feel able to tell his friends what had happened, not something that had to be kept secret and private because it was somehow embarrassing, and this made the whole thing easy to deal with. When one of his friends wrote ‘circumcised and proud’ on DS leg at camp a few years later as a joke it was lol. I do appreciate ops son is being bullied tho, I’m sorry about that, it takes confidence and some resilience to deal with an operation in this way, but this might come from feeling there is nothing to be secretive about

Zosime · 03/09/2022 11:57

I wouldn’t teach your family that it was something to be ashamed of

it's not a question of being ashamed. OP's son has a right to privacy, and that should be respected.

CroccyWoccy · 03/09/2022 12:05

It sounds like you are massively over thinking this.

I wouldn’t lie, it just leads to problems. You tell people he has had a hernia operation, then sometime later someone comes to you for advice about hernia ops because they “know” your son had that procedure. Then what do you say?

Tell the school, it’s relevant that they know.

Either tell family/friends the truth, or say it’s a minor operation on his groin if you don’t want to go into details. Or don’t say anything at all unless they actually need to know for childcare arrangements etc.

Making a big deal about it being private will just arouse curiosity.

GetThatHelmetOn · 03/09/2022 12:08

We wouldn’t care what the operation is about because is a private matter or none of our business. Report as time off due to minor operation.

If kids ask, just tell him to tell them it was a minor problem in his lower abdomen but he can’t show them the scar because is too near to his “privates”

No lie, no details. Period

JaneBrowning · 03/09/2022 12:09

What is so embarrasing about a testicle? He's 7. I doubt his mates at school would find it funny or tease him.

It's you that has the problem not your son.

And a teacher would not disclose medical info to other pupils.

luckylavender · 03/09/2022 12:10

FionnulaTheCooler · 03/09/2022 10:16

Why do you need to specify an operation? Just tell school he is having minor surgery and needs time off to recover, they don't need to know details.

Exactly this

JaneBrowning · 03/09/2022 12:11

it's not a question of being ashamed. OP's son has a right to privacy, and that should be respected.

It's all about his testicle.

If it was his appendix, or his elbow, she'd be fine saying that.

FGS what is the matter with some parents?

Boys have balls and willies.

They are not embarrrassing or shameful parts of the body unless an adult says so.