Son needs a *delicate* operation and I need to lie

[LittlewhitelieLily136]

When my son was born he had one undescended testicle.

He is going to be 7 in October and it STILL hasn't come down by itself (consultant confirmed it is very stuck!) and with covid and everything his op to get it fixed kept getting pushed back and back. (Understandable but annoying for him too!)

Anyway.

He finally finally has an op date and he'll need time off school for it but, well, we haven't said that he's got an undescended testicle publicly.

1. Because it's no-one elses business
2. For his privacy because it might be considered embarrassing - no matter how common it is.

Now we haven't said to our friends and family that ds is having an op yet but we will have to as it won't be taking place in our local hospital and for the time off school.

AiBU to lie about the reason for his op to protect his privacy and self esteem? DS is mature enough to know that one lie leads to more - and I agree with him. I feel bad that I need to lie but I do need to lie for him if that makes sense. I can't stand the thought of him being bullied for this. He already gets bullied.

I also don't know what kind of op to replace it with.

Please advise

Absolutely. If anyone pushes for a reason, the easiest thing would just be to say a hernia. I suppose it might be lovely to share all the details to the world and his wife but it's unnecessary.

you'll need to tell school because he'll have to be super careful about doing certain types of exercise as it will be banned. You don't' need to specify why, just say he's had surgery. and tell him to tell people he's had surgery. nothing embarrassing about it. at that age they won't even understand even if they did get told.

*banned for a few weeks in case of injury to surgery site.

both my sons had this operation on the same day 6 months ago. One had one undescended and the other both were stuck.
I was honest and factual about it - with them and whoever I needed to tell. School need fo know the truth as they can’t do anything vigorous for at least 6 weeks. And also - my sons would mention it so would be strange for them to say one thing when the school thought another (eg a hernia)
I don’t know if I’m missing something but I really don’t get why you’d lie about it. You don’t have to go into detail but just give the medical facts. Your son needs to understand what’s happening as it could impact him in the future and it seems strange to encourage him to keep it very private as well.

Sorry should’ve said my sons were 8 and 9 when they had it so a similar age

I would not dream of sharing the details of something like this with my child's school. I would just say he's having a procedure4 and will be off school for x amount of time

I do not quite understand the problem here. If one of my GSs needed this op, all the family would know and would be supporting him and helping him deal with it. It would not be a source of embarrassment and shame - and certainly not lies!

School just need to know he is having a small op and will be back on X date and will either be back to normal/needing to avoid PE - whichever.

As to his school mates - it is entirely up to him how ,much or how little he tells them.

I worked with a young chap who had testicular cancer and had to have it removed - we all knew about it in the office and were able to offer suitable support. It was not a topic of shame or embarrassment - why would it be?

Deviated septum

It isnt the OP's information to share, I can't imagine most boys that age want his teacher, the school secretary and Auntie Doris knowing he's got something wrong with genitals!!

I can’t believe people don’t think a group of young people won’t take the push out of this! This is apt bullying fodder especially if they are being bullied already.
so yes,absolutely teach and make sure he knows it’s nothing to be ashamed or even bothered about.but to think kids won’t take this and run with it is incredibly naive

@ancientgran
You've clearly made a distinction between the children who were 'sensitive' and those who were not. But of course you are not victim blaming...

Presumably because he chose to share the information. And he was communicating with adults.
Which is a totally different situation from a seven year old who's already bullied and doesn't want his immature (obviously, because they're seven) classmates to know anything that they can use against him.

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints

I always wonder about people who use the passive voice when talking about bullying. I consider it defeatist and an inaccurate way of looking at the problem.

Bullying isn't something that just somehow happens to certain children. It is done by bullies to children they identify as easy victims. They don't bully everyone.

It is possible to make your children assertive and to teach them to stand up successfully to bullies. Or to put it another way, to empower them to deal with difficult situations and difficult people.

Throwing your hands up in the air and accepting that 'children will get bullied' is doing children a disservice.

Tell the school your son is having an operation. If you’re worried about recovery or PE etc just tell them that it’s an operation around his groin, and he needs X Y Z to protect his recovery.

If your son is embarrassed, explain to your son that you haven’t mentioned that his operation is on his testicles because it’s private. No big deal

I would be very grateful to have a parent so respectful of my medical privacy. Giving a child that level of respect can only go onto show him that it's his choice alone who he discusses his health with.

One day his class mates will become work colleagues, his teachers might become customers and a large proportion of teaching staff have children that are pupils in school.

Hernia.

Extended family do not need to know either. Unless they care for your child, they need no input.

I am so impressed by your sensitivity and compassion for your son.

I have never understood why some people feel the need to tell everything to all and sundry. Of course his genitals are nothing to be ashamed of, but he should have the choice of when or if to share this information with other people.

I hope his op goes well x

I hope that it all goes well for your son.
It infuriates me when people ask for details of illness or operations. It’s none of their business. If I’m asked about someone else’s health, I always say that I don’t think that they would like me talking about it.

The operation is what it is & a lot more common that you think so don’t sugar coat it.
To be honest if it has been stuck up there as long as it has, I’m really surprised they haven’t operated before he was 1, there may be irreparable damage to the testicle but they won’t know until they get in there & check things out.
My brother had a hernia in his scrotum area when he was born & they operated within 6months. He was also circumcised when older, he was about 7, due to him having a tight foreskin, which is again quite a common procedure.
Hopefully it an easy & straightforward operation but you will need to tell school what the operation is actually for incase he has any issues when he goes back to school.
Nothing to be embarrassed about at all & if anyone does call him names that says way more about how they are being brought up or the persona they are as an adult & I would swiftly tell them so!

THIS.

I couldn't agree more as for friends and family just say he is having a minor op, nothing to worry about and leave it there. If they press repeat , just a minor op and don't move from that, they will get the message if they keep pushing change the subject.

You are in control of that information. Just deal with it on a need to know basis.

Do t be ridiculous, don’t lie about such a thing - I’m sure your Ds will be fine x

Definitely go along the he's have a small op and don't say what for. Our ds was circumcised at 7 and I had mentioned it to a "friend" who then told her ds- he was in the same year! Our ds was bullied later for this(high school) and I felt so bad that I had told this other mother as I had expected her not to tell her ds. Good luck for his op.

My son ended up in emergency surgery for a twisted testicle. I rang the school and they asked what the operation was, so i told them. She said you wouldn't believe how common it is, and that was that. He was excused from pe as he couldn't do it obviously.

I wouldn't lie though, it's not shameful, it happens. As for your family, I guess if they're nosey, they'll try and dig more if you try and keep it vague. If your son is okay with them knowing, just say what it is.

@WadiShab The reason not to lie is that the child will need to be excused from PE and contact activities maybe for some weeks while he heals.

Just deal with it on a need to know basis. They DO need to know.

I can't get over this ridiculous nonesense of being embarrassed over the op- it's a testicle. Half the population have them.

As a former teacher I can assure you that kids take this kind of thing in their stride. It's the adults who have the hang-ups!

Also as a former teacher I'd think any parent who kept the op a secret was being ridiculous, because we are all adults and don't gossip. But we'd need to know for practical reasons. I'd also assume (correctly) that being secretive meant it was a balls or willy op.

Assuming a 6 year old will be embarrassed too, or bullied, is being ridiculous.

What if you GS doesn't want your support or help and just wants his privacy respected? My late MIL would have had your attitude and my sons would have hated it and her over involvement was why she was told nothing about our lives.