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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Separate bedrooms = happy marriage?

181 replies

DreamToNightmare · 03/09/2022 07:52

For the last week I have been sleeping in our eldest son’s room (sofa bed) and Good Lord, I have been sleeping so soundly!!

Normally I’m disturbed by my husband’s snoring, his fidgeting, his getting up for a wee twice a night and feeling chilly because he likes the bedroom window open a little at night.

It’s been like heaven this last week not having to deal with that!

This morning he joked about me preferring to share a room with our son than him and I laughed it off when inside I was thinking “Hell yes I do” 😂

Im due to move back to our bedroom tonight and feeling a bit disappointed because this set-up is glorious.

Last night, once the children were asleep, me and DH went to our room, we watched the latest episode of a series we are watching amongst chatting about our days, then we had sex, then we said our goodnights and then I left and went to my sofa bed, read a few chapters of my book before then settling down and getting a wonderful sleep.

My husband has bought me up a cup of tea in bed this morning and now he’s downstairs dealing with the children and their breakfasts etc.

Its bliss and I could certainly get used to this.

I’m sure having separate rooms in the unspoken rule of happy marriages 😂

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 03/09/2022 07:54

It really can be the secret to a happier marriage!

N0RKS · 03/09/2022 07:57

Absolutely
we have been married forever, and it was only for the first three years that we shared a bed. Even on holiday we have separate rooms. Utter bliss.
I love him completely and totally…but I don’t like him so much when he is asleep

KangarooKenny · 03/09/2022 07:57

It certainly is !

mynameisnotkate · 03/09/2022 07:57

We’ve drifted into mostly sleeping apart and it really works for us. We both sleep fairly badly, so tend to just keep each other awake when we’re together. I do feel a bit weird about it though and feel embarrassed and like it needs explanation if people know about it. Don’t know why though, but t definitely makes sense for a lot of people.

Zippedydoo123 · 03/09/2022 07:58

It has been proven we sleep better on our own.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 03/09/2022 07:59

Each to their own! I sleep badly without my husband there. But he doesn't have any annoying sleep habits 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hmmmwhatnametochoose · 03/09/2022 08:01

36 years and counting. We've had seperate bedrooms for the past 10 years and its so good. OH snores, wriggles and starfishes.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 03/09/2022 08:04

mynameisnotkate · 03/09/2022 07:57

We’ve drifted into mostly sleeping apart and it really works for us. We both sleep fairly badly, so tend to just keep each other awake when we’re together. I do feel a bit weird about it though and feel embarrassed and like it needs explanation if people know about it. Don’t know why though, but t definitely makes sense for a lot of people.

Yes, we sleep in separate rooms but I worry about when our kids have friends round and play upstairs, and refer to "Dad's room" and "Mum's room" to their friends. Not sure why I worry - don't want the kids being teased as they get older I suppose.

KyaClark · 03/09/2022 08:04

I hate sharing a bed with anyone. I would much prefer to sleep alone but my husband wouldn't.

I've found having my own blanket helps a little bit, though.

Allinadayswork80 · 03/09/2022 08:04

I can totally relate to this! I’ve slept in with my daughter here and there and sleep so much better without my DH! He always comes to bed later and mostly disturbs me when he comes up, he gets up for a wee in the night and can’t do ANYTHING quietly so again I’m awake and various other annoying nighttime habits. I think I’d feel kinder towards him and more attracted to him if I wasn’t bothered by his nighttime habits so much. Unfortunately we don’t have the room to make this a permanent arrangement, but I totally would!

Snog · 03/09/2022 08:05

Everything is better after a good nights sleep. For me that means my own bed and my own bedroom!

DreamingofMevagissey · 03/09/2022 08:06

We sleep separately but rightly or wrongly I’m deeply ashamed and would never admit it to anyone in real life.

KangarooKenny · 03/09/2022 08:08

You’d be surprised how many people confess to sleeping apart when you admit to it yourself.
A work colleague of mine was telling me how she has her bedroom decorated just as she likes it. She said it’s like being a little girl again, with her nick nacks all around her. She loves it.

Changeismine · 03/09/2022 08:09

Separate bedrooms here for years and years. Without them, we would have split! They have saved our marriage.

Jaaxe · 03/09/2022 08:09

I know so many couples who sleep separately! We do, it started off because of the kids and letting them sleep in with us for an easy life, eventually DH got kicked out due to lack of room and 2 toddlers in the bed. Recently my 4 year old has been sleeping the whole night in his own room as does my 9 year old so it’s just the 2 year old to get in her bed now but my DH snores too so I’m in no rush to get the 2 year old out, I enjoy her cuddles and not sharing with DH. He on the other hand can’t wait to return 🤣 pregnant with number 4 though so can’t imagine it’ll be anytime soon 🎉

Nitgel · 03/09/2022 08:11

Have you tried separate duvets first ? I would def recommend.

Original poster
DreamToNightmare · 03/09/2022 08:22

Nitgel · 03/09/2022 08:11

Have you tried separate duvets first ? I would def recommend.

I would give that a go if there was a magic quilt that stopped someone from snoring, stopped them from getting up for a wee twice in the night twice and also stopped them wanting the windows open?

😂

He also likes to watch the TV quite late into the night whereas I would rather read some of my book or do some of my puzzle book. I try and do it with the TV o but it’s so difficult and it means I need the bedroom light on (for my puzzle book) which he hates.

We have such different bedtime behaviours.

OP posts:
grey12 · 03/09/2022 08:32

My dad always snored a lot. They got separate beds but in the same room. My mum said the small space made a difference! There was nothing in between them so they could easily put them together if they wished

JustACupofCoffee · 03/09/2022 08:35

We've slept separately since we got married. Married for 10 years now. Makes booking holidays more difficult but otherwise life is so much easier with a good nights sleep.

stopitstopitnow · 03/09/2022 08:37

My parents spent most of their marriage in separate beds. They had 58 happy years together so I guess there must be some truth in what you say OP. If we had a spare bedroom DP and me would be doing the same as I am a raging insomniac and he's a snorer, so neither of us get a really good nights sleep.

Figmentofmyimagination · 03/09/2022 08:38

We have separate duvets in the summer - mine is thinnest possible, while his is ‘winter’ pretty much all year round, with added ‘winter’ (extra duvet on top) during actual winter.

Separate rooms would really make him sad though as other aspects of our life are a bit moribund atm and he does like me to be there, as do I, but when I am anxious about something (which seems to be a fairly permanent state atm) I toss and turn and wake up at 1am, 3am etc. He has taken to occasional naps in the pm as we both wfh and he runs his own business, but definitely not ideal.

Idunnowhyibother · 03/09/2022 08:42

Another raging insomniac here- plus my partner grinds his teeth which is the umearthliest noise and creeps me out. We have separate bedrooms (on different floors!) Do struggle a bit with guilt but it works so well....We usually cuddle in my room then he moves up to his when he wants to sleep.

BigFatLiar · 03/09/2022 08:47

Love him to bits but sleeping separate is much better. Not helped by he likes early nights/mornings and I like late nights/mornings.

After the girls left for Uni he put on weight and started snoring and getting up for a pee during the night and always tired. Really disruptive, turned out he was actually quite unwell and by the time I persuaded him to see the doctor he looked ok (overweight) but apparently his body was shutting down and he nearly died. He's still well over weight but trying to lose it, will be on medication for the rest of his days probably. We now sleep separately other than if we go away though we both have visiting rights, he likes to cuddle up and that's when we tend to talk about personal things.

Rewis · 03/09/2022 08:50

My parents have always slept in separate rooms. Good night sleep leads to happy marriage. Bad night sleep leads to a lot of fighting.

As for separate duvets. Where I'm from double duvets are not mainstream so everyone has their own. My British bf was very offended that I gave him his own. Now he has accepted it! I still kinda wish I had my own when I stay in his bed.

Goldencarp · 03/09/2022 08:55

Together almost 30 years and have slept separately for the last few years. We have completely different sleeping patterns I’m a night owl and can get by on 4/5 hours, he likes 8 hours. It works for us .

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