Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Separate bedrooms = happy marriage?

181 replies

DreamToNightmare · 03/09/2022 07:52

For the last week I have been sleeping in our eldest son’s room (sofa bed) and Good Lord, I have been sleeping so soundly!!

Normally I’m disturbed by my husband’s snoring, his fidgeting, his getting up for a wee twice a night and feeling chilly because he likes the bedroom window open a little at night.

It’s been like heaven this last week not having to deal with that!

This morning he joked about me preferring to share a room with our son than him and I laughed it off when inside I was thinking “Hell yes I do” 😂

Im due to move back to our bedroom tonight and feeling a bit disappointed because this set-up is glorious.

Last night, once the children were asleep, me and DH went to our room, we watched the latest episode of a series we are watching amongst chatting about our days, then we had sex, then we said our goodnights and then I left and went to my sofa bed, read a few chapters of my book before then settling down and getting a wonderful sleep.

My husband has bought me up a cup of tea in bed this morning and now he’s downstairs dealing with the children and their breakfasts etc.

Its bliss and I could certainly get used to this.

I’m sure having separate rooms in the unspoken rule of happy marriages 😂

OP posts:
Sidonien · 10/09/2022 09:10

Like what? Stop snoring, drink less so you're not getting up in the night etc?

Well yes, I would seek medical attention for snoring as it's not healthy for the snorer either, particularly if accompanied by apnea. Losing weight can help. There are other interventions that can be tried. Yes, I would change some habits around drinking if it helped solve the problem.

A lot of people talked about lights/tv on or off disturbing them - this is just down to behaviour change - compromise and communication.

Many issues could be resolved by a bigger and better mattress, as I said above. My DH and I used to annoy each other turning over because our old mattress bounced us around a lot. With our new mattress this is almost totally eliminated - each side stays still when the other moves. Separate duvets or Twin beds could help further. It just depends how important it is to you or your partner to remain together overnight. Talking about what exactly it is that disturbs them. Is it light? Noise? Bed movement? And looking at ways to mitigate that.

If it was important to my spouse I would try everything possible before the nuclear option of separate bedrooms. I understand in some couples both partners are equally happy to sleep alone. But I am particularly talking about situations where one side is very upset by the prospect and where it is a threat to the stability of the marriage.

Xtraincome · 10/09/2022 09:26

DH sleeps in the spare 4 nights a week as I am a fidget and i would hate to make his 5am start for his 12 hour shift worse- along with 2 DDs making there way in every night it's just going sense.

It means at the weekend, for me and DH, it's sex and sleep in the same bed and it works so well. We are lucky to have a spare room though.

MrsMacnair · 10/09/2022 10:50

We have had our own rooms for 10+ years and tbh it’s made our marriage stronger. Dh is a snorer and an insomniac (but a selfish one at that!) and I was constantly getting disturbed through the night. He’s also early to bed and early to rise whereas I’m a night owl.

He felt rejected at first, until I said I’d come back in to the shared bed but the minute he woke me up with his faffing or snoring that was it. It was only when he made a conscious effort ‘not’ to wake me he realised how much activity he does overnight and how bad it was for me trying to sleep through it!
He now admits it was the best thing we did and we are both a lot happier.

We are just not compatible for sleep!

gamerchick · 10/09/2022 11:14

Sidonien · 10/09/2022 09:10

Like what? Stop snoring, drink less so you're not getting up in the night etc?

Well yes, I would seek medical attention for snoring as it's not healthy for the snorer either, particularly if accompanied by apnea. Losing weight can help. There are other interventions that can be tried. Yes, I would change some habits around drinking if it helped solve the problem.

A lot of people talked about lights/tv on or off disturbing them - this is just down to behaviour change - compromise and communication.

Many issues could be resolved by a bigger and better mattress, as I said above. My DH and I used to annoy each other turning over because our old mattress bounced us around a lot. With our new mattress this is almost totally eliminated - each side stays still when the other moves. Separate duvets or Twin beds could help further. It just depends how important it is to you or your partner to remain together overnight. Talking about what exactly it is that disturbs them. Is it light? Noise? Bed movement? And looking at ways to mitigate that.

If it was important to my spouse I would try everything possible before the nuclear option of separate bedrooms. I understand in some couples both partners are equally happy to sleep alone. But I am particularly talking about situations where one side is very upset by the prospect and where it is a threat to the stability of the marriage.

So in the meantime, while getting to the bottom of the issue. It's a case of grit your teeth because the person is trying?

Separate bedrooms is not the 'nuclear option', it's that sort of thinking that makes it sound strange to those of us who have solid marriages but don't get disturbed by their spouse.

AloysiusBear · 10/09/2022 11:22

I hate sleeping alone!!

I get no sleep when DH is away. I like the closeness and also he keeps me warm in bed 😁

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/09/2022 11:34

I like sleeping with my DP and tbh I would find it a bit depressing if we rarely slept together: for me this is a really important of being in a relationship. But I do love sleeping on my own a couple of days a week (and occasionally still sleep with DD).

My partner and I don't live together though and I think the key to a harmonious relationship is not living together. I wouldn't move in with a man again.Two separate homes with a shared bedroom in each is the way to go.

Bubblebubblebah · 10/09/2022 19:21

AloysiusBear · 10/09/2022 11:22

I hate sleeping alone!!

I get no sleep when DH is away. I like the closeness and also he keeps me warm in bed 😁

Omg mine is like a radiator. Which was an issue in summers! You can genuinely feel the heat coming of him! Meanwhile my dead col feet woke even me up when I touched my leg😂

Cameleongirl · 10/09/2022 19:25

I would love to sleep in a separate room from my DH, but he would be upset-I’ve tried it occasionally, because we’re not sleep-compatible, but he didn’t like it.

I’d also just like my own room in the house where no one would just walk into when they feel like it!

Ragwort · 10/09/2022 21:52

Cameleongirl but why is the fact that your DH 'doesn't like it' if you sleep apart more important than the fact that you 'don't like it' if you sleep together? Confused ?

LizzieSiddal · 10/09/2022 22:09

Married 33 years and only very recently stayed sleeping sometimes in separate rooms. Probably for a few nights a week as we really miss each other of any longer.
We had to do it for 2 weeks recently when dh had Covid and I felt really sad by the end of it and couldn’t wait to get back into the same bed!

Cameleongirl · 10/09/2022 22:10

He feels hurt and feels I've gone off him in some way. He shared a room with his brother growing up and doesn't really understand finding another person's sleeping habits annoying!

I like my own space.

NoMoreChubRub · 10/09/2022 22:14

I can't sleep if dh isnt here at night, but he disturbs me so still dont get much sleep lol
But an afternoon nap in bed alone.. Yes! I sleep amazingly and peacefully.

We 99% of the time go to bed together. Very rarely ill go on up if hes watching sports with eldest. But i cant sleep till he's here

BloodyHellKen · 10/09/2022 22:35

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP.
I always sleep better alone, or preferably with just the cat. It was one of the benefits of covid, a nice big king-size bed all to myself, that at all my meals cooked and lots of peace because no one wanted to be near me 😁

When my husband says he's going to be away overnight I give a (silent) cheer.

I should add that I love him very, very much and we have a good marriage. It's just that he snores and wakes me up ☹

Crishabiv · 10/09/2022 23:02

gamerchick · 04/09/2022 22:27

You can do all of that without sharing a bed. People have some strange ideas about it.

Sharing beds is a throwback to poverty. It was to keep warm and other necessary stuff. Human adults tend to sleep better alone.

What makes me laugh is the stark contrast to these threads and co sleeping or even same room sharing with little kids. Babies and small children are expected to sleep by themselves but grown adults cannot.

It's weird.

Show quote history

Yes! Can't believe I've not thought of that before. Its drummed into us to not sleep with our babies but it's weird if you don't want to sleep with another adult. Bizarre!

OT but When my babies were born 15 years ago, my midwife encouraged me to have them in bed, so I did, for months.

All baby mammals snuggle up to their mothers apart from modern day humans. We stick our tiny newborn babies in separate beds alone and get back into our own bed with another fully grown adult human and we usually suffer for it 😂 bonkers!

Crishabiv · 10/09/2022 23:04

Maybe all this neediness to share a bed comes from sleeping separately from our mothers when we were babies? 🤔

JangolinaPitt · 11/09/2022 01:01

Interesting thread! I slept with my exh even when we were separated in every other sense and r has any problem sleeping. Then I moved out of the joint bedroom for two years before I finally left the house. I would find it very hard now to share a room and when my bf stays over once are away at weekend etc I don’t sleep at all. That is Jay about sustainable when we don’t live together but if we ever do I think we will have spare rooms. He has been sleeping alone for 10 years so I imagine this would suit us both. Reassuring to know how many happy couples couples do.

WhatIsThisMad · 11/09/2022 07:39

I love sleeping with my DH and couldn't sleep alone. I'd miss him!!

My DB and sil sleep in separate rooms which always stresses me out when they come to stay as we don't have enough room! I've always thought it weird they don't sleep together, but judging by this thread, it's totally a thing lots of people do!

userxx · 11/09/2022 07:45

Crishabiv · 10/09/2022 23:04

Maybe all this neediness to share a bed comes from sleeping separately from our mothers when we were babies? 🤔

I think it the opposite, my mum had me in her room for one night before moving me into my own room, I absolutely hate sharing a bed. The sound of people breathing gives me the rage.

Kashmirsilver · 11/09/2022 07:49

Dp recently went on a breakaway for 7 days.
It was bliss, the ultimate remedy for a happy marriage is separate continents.😂

Kellie45 · 11/09/2022 07:58

We sleep in separate beds and have done for years because first he kept me awake and then I keep him awake. I reckon the first 10 years of our marriage or so we shared a bed regularly for sleeping but then with kids and stressful job found it better to put to sleep as a priority. Didn’t stop us having sex etc. As we are very cuddly

Sisisisi · 11/09/2022 07:58

Mywelshmammy · 04/09/2022 07:33

We gradually drifted into it as the kids left home. Now able to have separate bathrooms too. It’s all so civilised.

This!
No snoring, farting and man smell.
Its utter bliss.
Mine kicked me awake all night ( neurological condition)and snored like a train.
I love that i have my own space and all my friends are deeply envious.

EmptyHouse0822 · 11/09/2022 08:49

I absolutely hate sharing a bed. The sound of people breathing gives me the rage.

God yes!!!

Even when he’s not snoring the sound of his breath used to give me the rage….or even the feel of it if he was lying close to me!!!

I’m still on the sofa bed in my son’s room 😂

Kellie45 · 11/09/2022 09:14

I think the point is we’re all different. My parents always slept in the same bed till till one of them died and my grandparents the same. Seems as if they coped better with waking each other up than we do

Bubblebubblebah · 11/09/2022 09:18

Kellie45 · 11/09/2022 09:14

I think the point is we’re all different. My parents always slept in the same bed till till one of them died and my grandparents the same. Seems as if they coped better with waking each other up than we do

My mum said it was because 1-no space and 2-not acceptable.
She hasn't slept properly for decades apparently. Apparently you get used to it

Crumpledegg · 11/09/2022 10:32

Totally agree! My DP and I have slept separate since out 1st DD was born 4 years ago as I co slept with her, and then our 2nd DD. Shes a year now and we have spoke about moving her to her own room but I'm secretly putting it off as it means having to share with him again 🤭 we just aren't compatible when it comes to sleeping.