Separate bedrooms = happy marriage?

[DreamToNightmare]

For the last week I have been sleeping in our eldest son’s room (sofa bed) and Good Lord, I have been sleeping so soundly!!

Normally I’m disturbed by my husband’s snoring, his fidgeting, his getting up for a wee twice a night and feeling chilly because he likes the bedroom window open a little at night.

It’s been like heaven this last week not having to deal with that!

This morning he joked about me preferring to share a room with our son than him and I laughed it off when inside I was thinking “Hell yes I do” 😂

Im due to move back to our bedroom tonight and feeling a bit disappointed because this set-up is glorious.

Last night, once the children were asleep, me and DH went to our room, we watched the latest episode of a series we are watching amongst chatting about our days, then we had sex, then we said our goodnights and then I left and went to my sofa bed, read a few chapters of my book before then settling down and getting a wonderful sleep.

My husband has bought me up a cup of tea in bed this morning and now he’s downstairs dealing with the children and their breakfasts etc.

Its bliss and I could certainly get used to this.

I’m sure having separate rooms in the unspoken rule of happy marriages 😂

You’d be surprised at how common this is. My mum and dad had separate rooms from the time I was about 12 (both snore, and one has sleep apnoea and a CPAP). I was really scared as a teenager that my friends would find out; later I discovered it wasn’t so unusual at all and lots of couples do this if they have the space.

Right now I sleep separately from my partner, too, but zi always end up with a child in my bed at some point in the night, so I don’t get to feel the benefit, as it were 😬 But I know at least four or five other couples who sleep apart, and I’m sure there are more.

The one issue for us is that our ‘joint bedroom’ mattress is vastly superior to the mattress in the spare bedroom and cost a small fortune. There is just no comparison.

Yes yes yes!!!!

I was ill when DS7 was small. While I was in hospital, DH brought him in with him to bed so they could get some sleep. 5 years later they are still in together, and I’m in the bedroom on my own. We take turns sleeping in with DS (he has a double bed).

now at the point where he will soon sleep on his own. I’m not sure DH and I will manage sleeping in the same bed together. We did it last week while DS was at a sleepover and irritated each other 😂

@gamerchick Well if the idea is to have a better marriage, I don't think just ignoring their wishes and saying "so what" is going to help.

My parents sleep separately and it has not been good for their marriage. More and more they are separate people, rather than united. This is probably one of reasons I would be so against it for my own marriage.

Another who sleeps in separate rooms. Have done since before we were married. It was really convenient when the kids were young as they could sleep in with me easily without too many musical beds. It does make sleeping away from home difficult and expensive - my husband is so used to sleeping by himself he doesn’t sleep well if I’m in the room. He is a very light sleeper and a nightmare to be around without enough sleep. I quite enjoy having my own space now, although I was gutted initially that we didn’t sleep in the same bed. I was also embarrassed about it in the early years, but 14 years on and I don’t care who knows now. Having discussed it with girlfriends, I understand that my husband and I have more sex than most! We are very affectionate with each other too so it’s clear to others that we still have a loving and fulfilling relationship regardless of our sleeping arrangements!

My parents sleep separately and it has not been good for their marriage. More and more they are separate people, rather than united

I doubt this has got anything to do with sleeping in separate beds. People are asleep during the night so what exactly is being missed out on by not sharing a room?

Me and my DH share the main bedroom, doing normal couple things, until we are tired (usually until about 10.30pm)and then I go upstairs to sleep. When I wake up I go and get back in bed with my husband who is usually still asleep.

I’m really not sure how not lying asleep next to each other for 7-8 hours overnight is going to ruin our marriage?!

These days it's probably less shameful and more an indicator of wealth to have enough bedrooms to enable a couple to sleep separately.

We love having separate rooms and it definitely does help our relationship because we aren’t sleep deprived and snappy! Plus we like very different decor so it’s lovely being able to decorate our own spaces as we wish.

Or a cheap house in deprived area... It's not always wealth. I know quite a few people who bought on 22k wage and have spare bedrooms. And I am not talking 10 years back either

How much of your well being would.you sacrifice for marital harmony? Any partner who knows their OH is suffering sleeping next to them but refuses to let them sleep elsewhere is a selfish twat. I don't have the patience for selfish partners. My husband knows we get along a lot better sleeping apart. Hes a good egg.

It's likely your parents had other issues at play you're not privy too. But you can latch onto that if you want, it doesn't affect my sleep in the slightest.

Well, they get up at different times, go to bed at different times, so they're not hungry at the same time, so they eat separately in the day as well. I just see them become less and less aligned. Less willing and able to compromise, more difficult to accommodate on holiday etc. Certainly less affectionate. It hasn't helped their marriage. But other couples perhaps work harder to maintain that.

@gamerchick Well if it was important to my partner I would take that into account and try to find some way through together rather than dismissing their concerns. The well-being of both partners and the marriage itself has to be considered.

Oh absolutely my parents have other issues in the relationship, but the sleeping apart has not helped, for the reasons I have said. It doesn't mean it is damaging to the relationship in every case, but I think you have to make sure to maintain the intimacy, the closeness, the alignment, the bond, that comes from sharing a bed. I guess it's partly the oxytocin that is released when sleeping together.

Personally It feels so unnatural to me to be alone at night in a big bed. Humans evolved to snuggle together at night for safety and comfort! It feels like a very deep instinct and need for me. It would make me feel very sad to think I had to sleep alone for the rest of my life. I realise not everyone feels as strongly and there might be health issues in the future that make it the best choice, but that would be an absolute last resort after trying every other compromise or treatment.

Personally It feels so unnatural to me to be alone at night in a big bed. Humans evolved to snuggle together at night for safety and comfort! It feels like a very deep instinct and need for me.

This always makes me raise my eyebrows because it makes me think about parents who desperately try to get their children to sleep in their own bed as co-sleeping with children is seen as a negative thing in terms of babying them or spoiling them….

Anyhow,

Im still sleeping up in my son’s room and last night my husband did say to me, “I think you actually prefer it in there don’t you?”

I really wanted to deny it but it just made me laugh and my husband could see right through my giggles.

I said it’s not that I prefer it because I don’t want to be with him, but that I just enjoy having an uninterrupted night’s sleep, and I enjoy not kept awake by the TV or being woken up at 6am each morning when he goes to work.

I could tell in his eyes that he was secretly thinking he prefers to sleep separately too 😂

So we had a giggle about it, had some “quality time” once the children were asleep and then when he switched the TV on I just pecked him on the cheek, said goodnight and left him to it. I then went to my son’s room, read a few chapters of my book and then settled down for 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It’s bloody bliss 😂

I was trying to explain that to my husband, but he gets offended that I’d rather sleep separately as this is not what “married couples do”.🙄

Of course, I’m a light sleeper and he’s a snorer who could sleep through anything! Plus I’m usually going to bed earlier than he does.

The harsh truth is that, unless we’re having sex, I really don’t care 😅

I still think as in my little world of three couples that I know of separate beds on the whole does not equal a happy marriage. They are either sticking it out for the kids,can't be arsed to seperate/get divorced or leading seperate lives sharing a house with eventual divorce on the cards. Great the examples on here that work and I hope they are plenty but personally I don't think so.Just my view as a bloke,sorry🙂,but also think only minority of men would choose .Seriously if you love each how can you not share the same bed.Why would a husband/wife not want to cuddle up to a partner in a nice warm bed after a long day at work.

@DreamToNightmare That's why the kids want to sleep in together too, because it's instinctive and feels comfortable, safe and cosy! That's why parents have such a tough job stopping it.

I've felt the same since a little child. It felt unnatural to sleep alone. I believe Japanese parents are horrified that we make little children sleep alone in a room without even a sibling for company.

However if you and DH are both happy with the arrangement then, great!

Why would a husband/wife not want to cuddle up to a partner in a nice warm bed after a long day at work.

This is what we do and what most separate-sleepers do.

The intimacy, the affection, the sex….it’s all still there, but sleeping is separate to that.

I don’t need to lie awake because of his snoring, get interrupted by his toilets break and be woken up at 6am just to “prove” we have a happy marriage.

And as for saying, “Seriously, if you love each other how can you not share a bed?” Well, I love my parents and my sister but I don’t want to share a bed with them either.

I find it odd that the test of true love is whether you sleep in the same bad at night or not.

I bet there are other couples you know who don't sleep in the same bed. Good sleep is so vital to our health and well being. Convention should not be allowed to hamper that.

I’m actually considering asking some of my close friends whether it’s anything they’ve ever done. The fact that it’s so accepted on this thread does make me think that maybe it is more common than I had previously thought.

Sleep is a human right and sleep deprivation is actually an official torture.

Why on earth would you ask other couples if they share a bed? No one has ever asked me if I share a bedroom with my DH (I don't - 34 years married) and I would never ask anyone else .. unless it was relevant if they were coming to stay and I was in the position to offer separate bedrooms .. which I am not!

I have no idea if my couple friends share bedrooms and it doesn't have anything to do with whether or not I share with my DH.

Me and my friends all talk to each other about things a lot more personal than bed sharing when it comes to having girly talk about bedroom activities 😂

I wouldn’t even be remotely offended if my friend asked me if I slept separately from my husband, and nor would they be if I asked them.

Im not sure why that topic of conversation would be so horrifying?

Like the previous poster said, this topic of conversation really wouldn’t be an issue between me and my friends. It probably wouldn’t be any different to asking them if they want a cup of tea.

We go back many, many years and talking about bed sharing would be pretty tame compared to what we already know about each other.

bed.Why would a husband/wife not want to cuddle up to a partner in a nice warm bed after a long day at work

You do, what a strange comment all.bedroom activities as usual. Sleep is separate.

You're a ruddy sleep, you don't care in your sleep.

@gamerchick Well if it was important to my partner I would take that into account and try to find some way through together rather than dismissing their concerns. The well-being of both partners and the marriage itself has to be considered

Like what? Stop snoring, drink less so you're not getting up in the night etc?

Sleep is much more important than someone else's feelings. Like I said, forcing someone to share a bed with you for sleeping when you disturb their sleep means a selfish twat.