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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH angry about WhatsApp joke.

193 replies

Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 06:36

I'm in a group chat with a group of friends that DH and I know. It's me, DH, 2 women and 2 men (they aren't couples if it matters). We use it to chat throughout the week sometimes and also to arrange getting together.

Someone posted in it last night a picture which said something like 'they should arrange an app where you and friends enter all your shifts and it tells you which weekends you're all free'.

Everyone in the group also has children. But me and DH are the only ones who have DC with someone they are still with however DH also has a child with his ex. So childcare/arranging things when the others DC are with their other parent is also a factor so it's a bit difficult sometimes.

I need to give a bit of background here. Basically DHs ex is a bit of a pain. She's alright until she doesn't get her way and then she can be pretty horrid. We have DSC 50:50 but she has a habit of getting a better offer on her weekend and then telling us at the last minute she needs us to have DSC and getting very stroppy when / if we say no. She does it with everything, if she books a holiday with friends which falls over her time for example she won't say anything until a couple of days before and then act shocked/hard done to if we say we might not be able to accommodate it straight away due to work or whatever we have planned.

DH always used to let this happen before he met me as he just enjoyed the extra time with his child. Since we've been together though it's been a real bone of contention because I feel like our plans don't matter. We've cancelled them before so she can go off and do what she wants because DH feels too guilty to say no a lot of the time (she's a master at guilt tripping him). So we've argued about it in the past. However he is much better now at standing his ground if we have something planned and it's not really been as big of a deal between us for a while even though she still tries it a lot.

Anyway, I posted in the chat replying to the picture saying 'well we won't know when we have DSC until she (ex) is on her way to drop her off haha'.

The two women replied saying things like oh yeah forgot about that and laughing and one said what a PITA it must be.

Admittedly I have spoken to these women before about it separately from this group because it used to really, really annoy me when it was really bad.

Anyway DH has gone mad saying I've obviously been bitching about it with the others and how wrong it is I've been discussing the mother of HIS child with other people blah blah.

I can't believe how annoyed he was about it. HE used to bitch and moan about it (still does when she tries it now), he proclaims that he doesn't like her 99% of the time and can't wait until he never has to deal with her again so I've no idea why he's all of a sudden acting like it's a big crime to have a joke about how irritating she can be with close friends. She can be irritating! He knows that! And it's not just him it used to affect a lot so why shouldn't I have spoken to my friends about something that affected me as well?

I feel like he's just picking a fight over nothing. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
Player001 · 03/09/2022 06:49

Perhaps in some convoluted way he feels like you are all judging him for his past life choices? Or that you are all laughing about him behind his back?

I don't think he is picking a fight, I think he is hurt and embarrassed.

Onlyhuman123 · 03/09/2022 06:49

Hmmm. Looking at it from his POV....3 people, including his wife are having a dig about his ex and the way she's been able to manipulate him and he could be embarrassed that it's happened and that he's kind of allowed it to happen. He's prob read into the messaging that he's being portrayed as being a mug/walkover and a bit pathetic to have allowed the ex to get away with it. Maybe 🤷‍♀️

psychomath · 03/09/2022 06:51

I don't think he's reasonable to be annoyed and you weren't wrong to say it. But if it's something you've previously argued about a lot then I can see why he'd be upset at the thought that you'd been bitching about him to friends in the group, even though that's a totally normal thing to do under the circumstances. Hopefully this is just the initial embarrassment about that and he'll soon calm down and apologise when he realises he's overreacting. If he stays angry then he's definitely being U though.

psychomath · 03/09/2022 06:56

In hindsight it also maybe wasn't the best thing to make a joke about if it used to cause lots of issues and has now been resolved - he might feel like you're stirring up old problems unnecessarily. It sounds like a genuine miscommunication where you thought it was all in the past and didn't realise it was still a sensitive topic for him.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2022 06:57

DH and I make a point of not airing our disagreements in “public”. It works well.

TrianglePlayer · 03/09/2022 06:59

I’d be annoyed if I was him.

Andromachehadabadday · 03/09/2022 07:02

Yeah to be honest, I would be annoyed.

If dp bitches about my ex and the situation to his friends privately, that’s one thing. Making a joke out it publicly and having him and his friends joking about it would piss me off.

Nacknick · 03/09/2022 07:05

Your joke was out of order - even though it’s true it was unfair to say it on a group chat like that

Frizzzmonster · 03/09/2022 07:05

Your comment was not appropriate for a group WhatsApp for exactly this reason. Of course he's going to feel ganged up on.

You are well within your right to talk about it with friends but not to bring it up as a joke in a group that's very tactless and hurtful.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 03/09/2022 07:07

It's one thing to tell your friends privately when she (&he) we're pissing you off, it's quite another to make it obvious you have been talking about him/her to people from that group, making him uncomfortable. Not to mention how annoying it must have been when he's tried, largely successfully to remedy the situation for YOU, when previously he just enjoyed having his child more.

You owe him an apology.

Waspo · 03/09/2022 07:08

Yeh sorry OP that would piss me off too, I'm with your DH. We don't air our dirty laundry in public.

carefullycourageous · 03/09/2022 07:09

I think it was unkind to your dh to air your dirty linen in public like this, in his (digital) prrsence. It is his ex and you're talking about his child.

You should apologise, you've embarrassed him.

VladsPants · 03/09/2022 07:10

Yeah I agree with the others, you’re in the wrong here op.

Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 07:15

Thanks!

I guess I just didn't think of it as airing dirty laundry as it's not a big deal anymore and we ourselves joke about it at home sometimes and I knew everyone in this group knew about it (I know DH has mentioned it to the guys before because I've heard him talking about it) so it wasn't something no one knew about.

when he's tried, largely successfully to remedy the situation for YOU, when previously he just enjoyed having his child more.

I don't think this is fair. I've always been happy to have DSD more when we can. But I don't think it's on for us to cancel plans all of the time to accommodate his exes just because DH feels too guilty to say no. He may have done so more before he met me because he didn't have plans as often then during his free weekends. He'd never have had a meaningful relationship with anyone the way it was as it was getting to the point we couldn't ever do anything/ plan a date, reliably plan to see friends etc.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 03/09/2022 07:17

I'm struggling to see where the 'joke' was.

You were wrong to do this; I completely understand DH's annoyance.

Summertimesadnesss · 03/09/2022 07:19

Congratulations on guilting your dh into seeing less of his dc (a dc who clearly isn’t important to their mum either what a lovely childhood) and then bitching to your friends about it…

raindon · 03/09/2022 07:19

how wrong it is I've been discussing the mother of HIS child with other people blah blah. rightio tell him that if the mother of HIS child is so sacred then he better not ever moan to you about her again and while he's at it he can't ever expect you to do any favours for HIS child, he can forget any hope of being a blended family where you work as a team. Go nuclear.

stode · 03/09/2022 07:19

Yeah apologies are in order OP!

raindon · 03/09/2022 07:20

stode · 03/09/2022 07:19

Yeah apologies are in order OP!

Why? He's moaned about her to the group before too? Why must OP stay shut when he's allowed to bitch about her?!

Dinoteeth · 03/09/2022 07:23

You've obviously hit a touchy subject. Apology is in order.

But answer to question there are apps doodlepoll being one that let's people put dates in when they are free. Really helpful when trying to arrange a date with a group of friends who all have other commitments.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/09/2022 07:24

He's moaned about her to the group before too?

OP didn't say this?

She said she's heard him talking to some of the people in the group about it - not posting snide comments about his ex in a what's app group.

raindon · 03/09/2022 07:24

If its that touchy a subject why is he allowed to bitch about it to the group

raindon · 03/09/2022 07:26

EarringsandLipstick · 03/09/2022 07:24

He's moaned about her to the group before too?

OP didn't say this?

She said she's heard him talking to some of the people in the group about it - not posting snide comments about his ex in a what's app group.

He's been talking to the group about it. I doubt it was in favourable terms.

Thatswhyimacat · 03/09/2022 07:26

It's his ex and his children and I'm not surprised he'd be upset at the suggestion that everyone discusses and bitches about the situation. I understand your need to vent to your friends but it's wrong to make a public joke about something to do with his family.

Loopyloooooo · 03/09/2022 07:27

That's your step child's Mum. I think the aim should be on loving and supporting your step child.

Your step child's Mum is a huge part of your step-DC. If you slag her off to anyone but DH and step child picks up on that (which they will) they may intrinsically start to think something is wrong with themselves too. Step-DC is your wee ones sibling, personally I don't think its ok to talk about her Mum to other people like that even as a joke.

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