Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH angry about WhatsApp joke.

193 replies

Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 06:36

I'm in a group chat with a group of friends that DH and I know. It's me, DH, 2 women and 2 men (they aren't couples if it matters). We use it to chat throughout the week sometimes and also to arrange getting together.

Someone posted in it last night a picture which said something like 'they should arrange an app where you and friends enter all your shifts and it tells you which weekends you're all free'.

Everyone in the group also has children. But me and DH are the only ones who have DC with someone they are still with however DH also has a child with his ex. So childcare/arranging things when the others DC are with their other parent is also a factor so it's a bit difficult sometimes.

I need to give a bit of background here. Basically DHs ex is a bit of a pain. She's alright until she doesn't get her way and then she can be pretty horrid. We have DSC 50:50 but she has a habit of getting a better offer on her weekend and then telling us at the last minute she needs us to have DSC and getting very stroppy when / if we say no. She does it with everything, if she books a holiday with friends which falls over her time for example she won't say anything until a couple of days before and then act shocked/hard done to if we say we might not be able to accommodate it straight away due to work or whatever we have planned.

DH always used to let this happen before he met me as he just enjoyed the extra time with his child. Since we've been together though it's been a real bone of contention because I feel like our plans don't matter. We've cancelled them before so she can go off and do what she wants because DH feels too guilty to say no a lot of the time (she's a master at guilt tripping him). So we've argued about it in the past. However he is much better now at standing his ground if we have something planned and it's not really been as big of a deal between us for a while even though she still tries it a lot.

Anyway, I posted in the chat replying to the picture saying 'well we won't know when we have DSC until she (ex) is on her way to drop her off haha'.

The two women replied saying things like oh yeah forgot about that and laughing and one said what a PITA it must be.

Admittedly I have spoken to these women before about it separately from this group because it used to really, really annoy me when it was really bad.

Anyway DH has gone mad saying I've obviously been bitching about it with the others and how wrong it is I've been discussing the mother of HIS child with other people blah blah.

I can't believe how annoyed he was about it. HE used to bitch and moan about it (still does when she tries it now), he proclaims that he doesn't like her 99% of the time and can't wait until he never has to deal with her again so I've no idea why he's all of a sudden acting like it's a big crime to have a joke about how irritating she can be with close friends. She can be irritating! He knows that! And it's not just him it used to affect a lot so why shouldn't I have spoken to my friends about something that affected me as well?

I feel like he's just picking a fight over nothing. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
Thatswhyimacat · 03/09/2022 07:28

raindon · 03/09/2022 07:24

If its that touchy a subject why is he allowed to bitch about it to the group

Just one of those unwritten social rules. Like how you can say to your DH that your mum is driving you mad and you're arguing, but it'd be off for him to then start telling people your mum is being a bitch to you. It's his ex and kids and OP can privately vent frustration at her part in the situation but she doesn't get to publicly bitch about someone else's family.

Maymaymay · 03/09/2022 07:28

This would really annoy me if I were your husband - to me there are things that you move on from and joke about as a couple but you wouldn't want spoken about behind your back or with other people. He might be happy joking with you about this person that caused a huge bone of contention between you but not with a wider group, which I do get.

Herejustforthisone · 03/09/2022 07:29

If you can’t moan about a pain in the arse with your friends, who can you moan with?

BeautifulDragon · 03/09/2022 07:31

You mocked him and implied that he is a walkover, shared private family business and had a dig about his relationship with his child...on a group chat that he and his friends are also on.

Of course he's annoyed.

Sux2buthen · 03/09/2022 07:33

If my partner had any jokes to make relating to my kids or their arrangements he'd be making them to an empty room really quickly.

Original poster
Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 07:34

Okay I see people's POV guess I didn't think it was that big of a deal because he talks about it in jest as well. He made a comment in front of my sister the other week about it so it's not something he never says in front of people.

I don't think I said anything THAT awful. I didn't call her name's or anything, but I'll take people's opinions thanks.

OP posts:
raindon · 03/09/2022 07:34

Thatswhyimacat · 03/09/2022 07:28

Just one of those unwritten social rules. Like how you can say to your DH that your mum is driving you mad and you're arguing, but it'd be off for him to then start telling people your mum is being a bitch to you. It's his ex and kids and OP can privately vent frustration at her part in the situation but she doesn't get to publicly bitch about someone else's family.

Show quote history

Shes not family, she's an ex. Everyone moans about exes all the time. As long as the kid isn't in ear shot it's fine

MrsLargeEmbodied · 03/09/2022 07:34

i think you were a bit tactless

itsgettingweird · 03/09/2022 07:34

Personally I think it was pretty horrid to write that.

He's their dad. I bet the ex is a PITA but he was happy to have his DC as much as needed and enjoyed spending more than 50% of the week with them and you stopped that.

I appreciate it made your plans difficult but that's his children. Why didn't you both let them move in FT and visit their mum for shorter periods as she preferred to go out do this poor child didn't feel like mum wanted them to go for mum to have a social life and then neither dad or SM want them either as they are too busy?

I'm surprised your DH out up with your attitude towards his child - I'm not surprised he's also fuming about your comment.

Original poster
Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 07:35

Sux2buthen · 03/09/2022 07:33

If my partner had any jokes to make relating to my kids or their arrangements he'd be making them to an empty room really quickly.

I wasn't joking about DSD. I care immensely for her and he knows that. I'm a very good and loving step mother and he'd be the first to tell you that. The joke was aimed at her mother not her.

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 03/09/2022 07:36

raindon · 03/09/2022 07:19

how wrong it is I've been discussing the mother of HIS child with other people blah blah. rightio tell him that if the mother of HIS child is so sacred then he better not ever moan to you about her again and while he's at it he can't ever expect you to do any favours for HIS child, he can forget any hope of being a blended family where you work as a team. Go nuclear.

Surely there's a massive difference between something you discuss as a couple and something you put in a group chat?! I might moan about something to my husband, and he might sometimes offload to his friends but inviting others to join in the complaints on a group chat is quite different, especially is it could be interpreted as complaining about seeing his daughter.

Original poster
Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 07:37

He's their dad. I bet the ex is a PITA but he was happy to have his DC as much as needed and enjoyed spending more than 50% of the week with them and you stopped that.

No I didn't stop that. We had her a lot of the time. It was when we had planned to do something and DH wanted to say no but was guilt tripped by his ex into saying yes and us cancelling what we were doing so she could go out. That is very different and is not on. Which he knows.

Even to the extent of having to mess around his work so she could swan off on last minute holidays and things. I didn't stop that to be horrible, I tried to stop that because it wasn't right and he was being manipulated.

OP posts:
CatSpeakForDummies · 03/09/2022 07:38

There's a difference between talking about her being annoying and joking about his lame ass response to this annoyance.

He probably thought you'd worked through the issue and then you made this PA little dig, in public, it's not kind OP, I'd apologise and move on.

Original poster
Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 07:38

itsgettingweird · 03/09/2022 07:34

Personally I think it was pretty horrid to write that.

He's their dad. I bet the ex is a PITA but he was happy to have his DC as much as needed and enjoyed spending more than 50% of the week with them and you stopped that.

I appreciate it made your plans difficult but that's his children. Why didn't you both let them move in FT and visit their mum for shorter periods as she preferred to go out do this poor child didn't feel like mum wanted them to go for mum to have a social life and then neither dad or SM want them either as they are too busy?

I'm surprised your DH out up with your attitude towards his child - I'm not surprised he's also fuming about your comment.

He has asked this multiple times but their mother doesn't want him to officially have DSD more and he doesn't want to go to court. If that was something he wanted to do, I'd have supported him to do it.

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 03/09/2022 07:38

@Whatsappo yes but the 'joke' was about his child and related to his child.
Anything about your own kids can be sensitive.

KeepYaHeadUp · 03/09/2022 07:39

I'm generally pretty laid back about this stuff but I would be upset too if I were in his shoes. As irritating as she is he has to co-parent with her and it's one thing him moaning about her to you in the privacy of your own home but quite another for this moaning to go into the public domain.

It sounds like he's been a decent dad and just taken the kids when he can up until now (I have a real issue with this arguing over who doesn't have the kids - think it's does them real harm) so he obviously values his relationship with him DC and so it's important his relationship with her is maintained too.

goldfinchonthelawn · 03/09/2022 07:40

I'd be upset because you are singling out one child - his - as a nuisance, even though the ex is the reason behind not being able to plan. If I were your DH I too would be fine with my child being around whenever they needed to be, without question, because I'd want to prioritise the child feeling needed and welcomed by at least one parent, especially if the other one is so flakey. He might feel you're mocking him in public for that feeling.

raindon · 03/09/2022 07:40

As an aside just arrange to do things with the group when you are free, if DH can't make it at short notice that's his issue. Please make sure you're not missing out for him.

Kashmirsilver · 03/09/2022 07:41

Personally, we share very little about our relationship with others. That's really bad form, overstepping boundaries.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 03/09/2022 07:43

I don’t think the joke was awful or anything, but I can see why he has taken it badly.

I think it is very different for him to joke about his situation with you or friends than it is for you and others to joke about it. It’s like when people joke about their childrens bad habits or behaviour it would hit different for someone else to joke about it.

overall though it is a minor thing and obviously just a misunderstanding about where the line is about joking about your personal situation. If I were you I’d just apologise and be more aware on future that he’s sensitive to that topic.

Nobetterthansheoughttobe · 03/09/2022 07:43

Things are always worse in 'print'. Seeing the written word has more of an impact than just talk. People often remember a book better than the film, for example.
Words are emphatic. What you have done is reinforce sometging he clearly feels uncomfortable about, despite his jokes/moans about it.

Branleuse · 03/09/2022 07:45

I can see why he would be slightly irritates, but id hardly think it was a big deal.
Say yeah ok, sorry about that, and then move on.

Either that or say to him that you wonder if its time to have a chat about it as his reaction made you realise that you would like more routine on this issue so you can make plans easier. That clearly the whatsapp joke hit a nerve both ways, but you dont blame him or his kid, but his exes lack of communication around the child needs to improve

felicityfortunate · 03/09/2022 07:46

CatSpeakForDummies · 03/09/2022 07:38

There's a difference between talking about her being annoying and joking about his lame ass response to this annoyance.

He probably thought you'd worked through the issue and then you made this PA little dig, in public, it's not kind OP, I'd apologise and move on.

This

Original poster
Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 07:47

I think it is very different for him to joke about his situation with you or friends than it is for you and others to joke about it. It’s like when people joke about their childrens bad habits or behaviour it would hit different for someone else to joke about it

On a group chat maybe yes in hindsight. But I don't think this is fair in private to my friends. It may be his child and his ex but it did affect me a lot of the time as well. I think most people in my situation would have found it annoying and difficult to bite their tongues.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 03/09/2022 07:49

I think it's different if it's him talking about it because it's his ex and his child. For example, if you'd vented to your mum about your DH, would you not be annoyed if she then bitched about him to her friends and they all passed comment in front of you? It's a bit personal.