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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH angry about WhatsApp joke.

193 replies

Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 06:36

I'm in a group chat with a group of friends that DH and I know. It's me, DH, 2 women and 2 men (they aren't couples if it matters). We use it to chat throughout the week sometimes and also to arrange getting together.

Someone posted in it last night a picture which said something like 'they should arrange an app where you and friends enter all your shifts and it tells you which weekends you're all free'.

Everyone in the group also has children. But me and DH are the only ones who have DC with someone they are still with however DH also has a child with his ex. So childcare/arranging things when the others DC are with their other parent is also a factor so it's a bit difficult sometimes.

I need to give a bit of background here. Basically DHs ex is a bit of a pain. She's alright until she doesn't get her way and then she can be pretty horrid. We have DSC 50:50 but she has a habit of getting a better offer on her weekend and then telling us at the last minute she needs us to have DSC and getting very stroppy when / if we say no. She does it with everything, if she books a holiday with friends which falls over her time for example she won't say anything until a couple of days before and then act shocked/hard done to if we say we might not be able to accommodate it straight away due to work or whatever we have planned.

DH always used to let this happen before he met me as he just enjoyed the extra time with his child. Since we've been together though it's been a real bone of contention because I feel like our plans don't matter. We've cancelled them before so she can go off and do what she wants because DH feels too guilty to say no a lot of the time (she's a master at guilt tripping him). So we've argued about it in the past. However he is much better now at standing his ground if we have something planned and it's not really been as big of a deal between us for a while even though she still tries it a lot.

Anyway, I posted in the chat replying to the picture saying 'well we won't know when we have DSC until she (ex) is on her way to drop her off haha'.

The two women replied saying things like oh yeah forgot about that and laughing and one said what a PITA it must be.

Admittedly I have spoken to these women before about it separately from this group because it used to really, really annoy me when it was really bad.

Anyway DH has gone mad saying I've obviously been bitching about it with the others and how wrong it is I've been discussing the mother of HIS child with other people blah blah.

I can't believe how annoyed he was about it. HE used to bitch and moan about it (still does when she tries it now), he proclaims that he doesn't like her 99% of the time and can't wait until he never has to deal with her again so I've no idea why he's all of a sudden acting like it's a big crime to have a joke about how irritating she can be with close friends. She can be irritating! He knows that! And it's not just him it used to affect a lot so why shouldn't I have spoken to my friends about something that affected me as well?

I feel like he's just picking a fight over nothing. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
Viney1 · 03/09/2022 08:43

It sounds as if they have a friendly, amicable co-parenting arrangement that works well for everyone.

Yeah saying you dislike someone and can't wait to never have to deal with them again and making jokes with your wife about how annoying you find it when they try to manipulate you into giving them what they want sounds exactly like a friendly, healthy co parenting arrangements. What thread are you reading?

MRex · 03/09/2022 08:43

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 08:32

Oh don't be so obtuse. There are obviously occasions where you can't just take a child along. Maybe they are planning to go to the pub or a concert or any other manner of adult outings that aren't appropriate to just tag a child onto. Parents are actually allowed to do things without their children sometimes.

As I say, when we go out, my parents tend to watch our child and we arrange it specifically for DSC time with their mum so we are around when they are with us and not leaving them with babysitters or whatever. So I'd be expected to just tell my parents they were having DSC now as well so my husband's exW could go out?

That would be up to your parents. You could also ask DH's family, or even (shock horror) pay for a babysitter for the few hours that evening, then enjoy the rest of the weekend as a family.

It's fairly unusual for parents to go to the theatre every weekend leaving kids with unpaid grandparents. I don't know anyone who does that. An occasional night perhaps, which babysitters are great for covering.

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 08:45

That would be up to your parents. You could also ask DH's family, or even (shock horror) pay for a babysitter for the few hours that evening, then enjoy the rest of the weekend as a family.

Or... Shock horror. The child's mother could get a babysitter or ask her family or spend the weekend as a family with her child like every man on this forum is told to do when it's 'his' time with his child.

It's fairly unusual for parents to go to the theatre every weekend leaving kids with unpaid grandparents. I don't know anyone who does that. An occasional night perhaps, which babysitters are great for covering.

Sorry where did OP say it was every weekend? She said they say yes most of the time because they don't have plans and it's only when they have plans that they say no. What part of that is unreasonable?

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 08:49

Take a look at the step parents board whenever anyone suggests a mum should have her children on a time that's supposed to be the father's 😂 I don't agree with it but 99% of replies prefer you to ask someone on the street to watch your child than expect the mother to have her child when it's not her time.

If it were me, I'd say yes on the times I was free and no on the times I wasn't free. On those occasions I'd expect my ex to do as you'd suggested and ask his family or get a babysitter. Exactly like OP.

Smineusername · 03/09/2022 08:49

Not cool to be publicly bitching about your stepchild's mother (how do you think sc would feel?) and it's a pretty bad sign that you don't recognise that

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 08:50

I think it is very different for him to joke about his situation with you or friends than it is for you and others to joke about it. It’s like when people joke about their childrens bad habits or behaviour it would hit different for someone else to joke about it

I completely agree.

It’s HIS ex and HIS child.

It’s ok for you two to bitch together about it but it’s not ok for you to bitch to your friends about it without him.

I get why he is upset and you were in the wrong but I don’t think you did anything terrible and it is quite normal to vent to our friends about things we shouldn’t really.

This shouldn’t be made into a big deal.
Just apologise and say you won’t mention her again to them and then he needs to drop it.

You weren’t doing anything intentionally malicious so there’s no need for him to make a big deal out of it or drag it on once you’ve apologised.

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 08:50

Smineusername · 03/09/2022 08:49

Not cool to be publicly bitching about your stepchild's mother (how do you think sc would feel?) and it's a pretty bad sign that you don't recognise that

It's a private WhatsApp group between friends, not a post on the local towns Facebook page. Dramatics again.

How exactly would the step daughter even know?

Ketanne · 03/09/2022 08:51

YANBU, it's true. I can't say I'd be upset if someone was negative about my ex, I think DP would be (quite rightly) surprised if I leapt to ex's defence!
Could you "apologise" without actually doing so, as in "I'm sorry you feel that was inappropriate" or similar?

raindon · 03/09/2022 08:51

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 08:50

It's a private WhatsApp group between friends, not a post on the local towns Facebook page. Dramatics again.

How exactly would the step daughter even know?

Exactly, its not "public" and presumably the DSC isn't in the WhatsApp group.

Leadingtostories · 03/09/2022 08:52

You were bitching, even if slightly.

He might be annoyed at that.

Keep private things private.

raindon · 03/09/2022 08:53

Or... Shock horror. The child's mother could get a babysitter or ask her family or spend the weekend as a family with her child like every man on this forum is told to do when it's 'his' time with his child. don't be ridiculous, mum's need to a night out means dad must drop everything and look after child for free. (Joke)

It's really sad that mum is so willing to drop her contact time with her child. I hope the DSC doesn't feel too unwanted.

Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 08:54

It's fairly unusual for parents to go to the theatre every weekend

I never said it was every weekend! Far from it!

I've apologised anyway and said it wasn't meant maliciously and didn't realise he'd react like that. He's said it was fine and he was overreacting because he'd had a bad day. All is well.

OP posts:
CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 08:57

I don't think you did anything wrong OP, especially since you both talk about it with them in person, so there's no difference from in person to WhatsApp. I think he is just trying to cause an argument over nothing and he is being unfair and immature.

Honeyroar · 03/09/2022 08:58

Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 07:34

Okay I see people's POV guess I didn't think it was that big of a deal because he talks about it in jest as well. He made a comment in front of my sister the other week about it so it's not something he never says in front of people.

I don't think I said anything THAT awful. I didn't call her name's or anything, but I'll take people's opinions thanks.

I think it’s different when it’s spoken to when it’s written somewhere to be re read somehow- it can be re read and stays in the mind more. So I think it’s more out of order. Plus you jesting about it probably makes him feel bad for not sorting it out properly. He’s jesting about himself, that’s different.

(ps, I fully understand your frustration, I was in exactly the same situation with my husband and stepson years ago. It does get easier when the child grows up. The mother can’t get away with these games forever).

Katsufatsu · 03/09/2022 08:59

When you say that you have the child 50/50, how does that work?

If you mean every other weekend and maybe 50% of the holidays, and she's doing the bulk of the work, school runs, homework and the life admin etc I can see why she might feel she's entitled to a little more time to herself

Or if you genuinely have her 50% of the time then it's unreasonable that she chops and changes plans.

In terms of the joke, in this particular instance, you're in the wrong

Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 09:00

3 nights one week, 4 the next.

OP posts:
RealBecca · 03/09/2022 09:04

Skimmed the replies so sorry 9f o missed something. But I think its telling that the men didnt laugh so clearly they are picking up a different vibe.

It didn't need to be said. It was a dig whether you meant ot or not.

And it sounds like he is putting you and the plans you have as a couple first bit if he was happy with extra time with his child before I suspect he may actually begrudge losing that extra time. So I'd tread carefully before making his situation the butt of jokes in the future. Especially in public now you know it's a sore point.

Sanpellogrino99 · 03/09/2022 09:05

U have found out my past relationship choices have been the butt of ‘jokes’ amongst supposed friends and I was so angry I never spoke to any of them again. Sorry but he has the right to be annoyed - its disrespectful

Gwenhwyfar · 03/09/2022 09:08

AnyFucker · 03/09/2022 06:57

DH and I make a point of not airing our disagreements in “public”. It works well.

It wasn't in public; it was with friends.

Leadingtostories · 03/09/2022 09:10

RealBecca · 03/09/2022 09:04

Skimmed the replies so sorry 9f o missed something. But I think its telling that the men didnt laugh so clearly they are picking up a different vibe.

It didn't need to be said. It was a dig whether you meant ot or not.

And it sounds like he is putting you and the plans you have as a couple first bit if he was happy with extra time with his child before I suspect he may actually begrudge losing that extra time. So I'd tread carefully before making his situation the butt of jokes in the future. Especially in public now you know it's a sore point.

I think that's a good point. I sometimes think we don't give men enough credit for their attitude to bitching. They do pick up on it, even if most of the time they don't call us out on it. Most men don't seem to like women bitching about other women, which is a good thing I think.

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 09:17

Gwenhwyfar · 03/09/2022 09:08

It wasn't in public; it was with friends.

Friends who already knew because of the DHs own bitching to the guys.

Most men don't seem to like women bitching about other women, which is a good thing I think.

Oh goodie. The old women are bitches and men never gossip or bitch. Because men are renowned for their respectfulness toward women especially their exes.

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 09:17

I've met just as many men who like to 'bitch'. Especially about women.

LizzieSiddal · 03/09/2022 09:26

I've apologised anyway and said it wasn't meant maliciously and didn't realise he'd react like that. He's said it was fine and he was overreacting because he'd had a bad day. All is well.

Flowers

So pleased all is well. I hope you have a lovely weekend.
I’d hide this thread as many people won’t read all your posts and you’ll end up spending all day putting people (who can’t be bothered to read the thread) right.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/09/2022 09:26

He's been talking to the group about it. I doubt it was in favourable terms.

No. He spoke to individuals about the situation. Not made snide comments in a wider what's app group. Not at all comparable - as you know.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/09/2022 09:28

But I don't think this is fair in private to my friends.

I agree, you're completely entitled to chat to your friends about it, privately & away from DH