DH angry about WhatsApp joke.

[Whatsappo]

I'm in a group chat with a group of friends that DH and I know. It's me, DH, 2 women and 2 men (they aren't couples if it matters). We use it to chat throughout the week sometimes and also to arrange getting together.

Someone posted in it last night a picture which said something like 'they should arrange an app where you and friends enter all your shifts and it tells you which weekends you're all free'.

Everyone in the group also has children. But me and DH are the only ones who have DC with someone they are still with however DH also has a child with his ex. So childcare/arranging things when the others DC are with their other parent is also a factor so it's a bit difficult sometimes.

I need to give a bit of background here. Basically DHs ex is a bit of a pain. She's alright until she doesn't get her way and then she can be pretty horrid. We have DSC 50:50 but she has a habit of getting a better offer on her weekend and then telling us at the last minute she needs us to have DSC and getting very stroppy when / if we say no. She does it with everything, if she books a holiday with friends which falls over her time for example she won't say anything until a couple of days before and then act shocked/hard done to if we say we might not be able to accommodate it straight away due to work or whatever we have planned.

DH always used to let this happen before he met me as he just enjoyed the extra time with his child. Since we've been together though it's been a real bone of contention because I feel like our plans don't matter. We've cancelled them before so she can go off and do what she wants because DH feels too guilty to say no a lot of the time (she's a master at guilt tripping him). So we've argued about it in the past. However he is much better now at standing his ground if we have something planned and it's not really been as big of a deal between us for a while even though she still tries it a lot.

Anyway, I posted in the chat replying to the picture saying 'well we won't know when we have DSC until she (ex) is on her way to drop her off haha'.

The two women replied saying things like oh yeah forgot about that and laughing and one said what a PITA it must be.

Admittedly I have spoken to these women before about it separately from this group because it used to really, really annoy me when it was really bad.

Anyway DH has gone mad saying I've obviously been bitching about it with the others and how wrong it is I've been discussing the mother of HIS child with other people blah blah.

I can't believe how annoyed he was about it. HE used to bitch and moan about it (still does when she tries it now), he proclaims that he doesn't like her 99% of the time and can't wait until he never has to deal with her again so I've no idea why he's all of a sudden acting like it's a big crime to have a joke about how irritating she can be with close friends. She can be irritating! He knows that! And it's not just him it used to affect a lot so why shouldn't I have spoken to my friends about something that affected me as well?

I feel like he's just picking a fight over nothing. Sorry for the rant.

But you must see that the two are connected? Or are you just being willfully ignorant?

If you had made a joke about something he wasn't bothered about then he probably wouldn't have an issue with it would he?

Hi OP
just apologise and move on
dont repeat it
and just move on
life Is too short

It's a bit of a storm in a teacup, OP.

Your DH is right - you shouldn't have posted the comment on the WhatsApp.

He's not right that you shouldn't have shared frustrations with your friends in real life. Of course you would, it's what's going on in your world and its hardly sensitive, private information.

Best way to get over it: sorry DH, I didn't realised it was overstepping and I won't do it again. Let's get on with the weekend.

Don't let him drag it out - it's hardly massive and you sound like you support him in every other way.

This

It's not that hard is it? I'm in a similar situation, I share DC with DH and he has older children from his ex. When we arrange things with friends, we do so on the times DSC aren't due to be here and then my family tends to have our DC. I wouldn't expect them to also take DSC because my husband's ex wants to go out as well when it's her time with her children.

People are very dramatic on here. Maybe with the benefit of hindsight it wasn't the best place to say it although personally I can't imagine caring if I were your husband as everyone in the group knows about it anyway you've said, not like you posted a Facebook status for all and sundry to see but the comments from PPs acting like you've slapped his child and her mother around the face are ridiculous.

Id say a brief apology to DH that he took it in a way it wasn't intended but I certainly wouldn't be grovelling.

*My kids know that they’re always welcome here. When my ex lets them down they come to me. If I’m not there I organise something.

I don’t care if it is unfair to me or it costs me more, they’re my kids and their well-being is what’s important. Plus I am already missing out by having to split parent.*

this is my approach too. And I wouldn't stay with a partner who didn't respect that. My home is their home. I don't want them to feel like their parents are arguing because neither parent wants to have them that weekend

If you have a babysitter booked, you have to tell them last minute there'll be more children?

Or if the dc are going to their grandparents or friends house for the night?

It wasn't a joke though , it was a veiled criticism,you made a mistake so apologize

This. Disloyal.

Disloyal 😂 Jesus.

Not quite the point of the thread, but how many weekend plans can you really have where adding on a child becomes a drama? Why can't you just get an extra ticket / babysitter / take her with you / include her? What do you do every weekend?

I can't imagine being separated part of the week from DS, having him more would always be my choice personally.

On the main point, best thing is to never take family problems out in public, tell your DH you're sorry and won't do it again.

I think people are being unfair by saying you're the reason he doesn't see the child/children as much now. Until you have been in the position of an Ex like her, which I unfortunately have, you cannot understand the situation. Simply because they decided to make plans at last minute without thinking of the impact on everyone, including the child/children.
Regards to the comment, I get why you thought it was ok and that it was a joke but equally I get why he was was annoyed about it being put on a group chat. Just apologize and explain why you thought it was ok to put that comment and move on. Just be more mindful in the future!!

Oh don't be so obtuse. There are obviously occasions where you can't just take a child along. Maybe they are planning to go to the pub or a concert or any other manner of adult outings that aren't appropriate to just tag a child onto. Parents are actually allowed to do things without their children sometimes.

As I say, when we go out, my parents tend to watch our child and we arrange it specifically for DSC time with their mum so we are around when they are with us and not leaving them with babysitters or whatever. So I'd be expected to just tell my parents they were having DSC now as well so my husband's exW could go out?

I can understand why you thought it was ok to joke about this and no harm was meant, but your DH is obviously hurt by it.
You really should apologise to him and hopefully that will be the end of the matter.

Exactly it unfair to expect a grandparent to suddenly look after their SDGC or whatever the acronym is

I think at this point you realise YABU and it was a positive aggressive dig, not a joke.

i have difficulties co-ordinating free weekend with a group of friends who are now quite far flung (for entirely different reasons most don't have children). We use doodle, it's an app that does exactly what your friend was asking about.

If you're going to do this then I'd also add that you expect to never hear him moaning himself if the ex is so sacred

Yanbu neither is DH. He is being a bit stroppy though. I'm not a very proud person, or smug, so I don't really care what my close friends know. Its not like I'm trying to portray some perfect life or anything to my nearest and dearest.

@Whatsappo
Possibly because it seems ok for him with you, but for some reason when it's other people, he gets the huff ?

OP I don't think you did anything wrong. It's a bit sociopathic of him to expect you never to talk or joke about a situation that directly impacts you.

Especially when he has joked about it before and you didn't aim the dog at the kid.

I'm with you on this.

It's really wearing being in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand privacy. You were wrong.
And although you say you love DSD, your comment could read that you resent her interfering with your plans with your friends. And since you have reduced your DH's last minute contact with his DD - maybe he doesn't find that topic funny.

It sounds as if they have a friendly, amicable co-parenting arrangement that works well for everyone. He loves you now but he used to love her. Not everyone hates their ex. It is possible he cares about her welfare and wants to treat her with respect, that it rankles to see you talking negatively about her (unnecessarily really since you say it doesn't really happen now).

Perhaps he worries about it getting back to her or the dc, that you think she is demanding.

Perhaps some of what he has told you - last minute plans - was an exaggeration or untrue, so he is even more fearful of word getting back to her. For example, when my dc's stepmum challenged me about a last-minute arrangement I was confused because it had been arranged for months but he had forgotten to tell her and didn't want to admit it. I just apologised because it is more important that I get on with him than her.

PPs are being incredibly unfair I think suggesting OP is stopping this man from seeing his child or reducing his time with his daughter. He's a grown man and it doesn't seem like his disagrees that his ex is unreasonable.

I think he had a reason to be annoyed. I'd be a little annoyed, he probably thinks you are all looking at him as a walkover when really he just likes to be with his child as much as possible.