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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH angry about WhatsApp joke.

193 replies

Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 06:36

I'm in a group chat with a group of friends that DH and I know. It's me, DH, 2 women and 2 men (they aren't couples if it matters). We use it to chat throughout the week sometimes and also to arrange getting together.

Someone posted in it last night a picture which said something like 'they should arrange an app where you and friends enter all your shifts and it tells you which weekends you're all free'.

Everyone in the group also has children. But me and DH are the only ones who have DC with someone they are still with however DH also has a child with his ex. So childcare/arranging things when the others DC are with their other parent is also a factor so it's a bit difficult sometimes.

I need to give a bit of background here. Basically DHs ex is a bit of a pain. She's alright until she doesn't get her way and then she can be pretty horrid. We have DSC 50:50 but she has a habit of getting a better offer on her weekend and then telling us at the last minute she needs us to have DSC and getting very stroppy when / if we say no. She does it with everything, if she books a holiday with friends which falls over her time for example she won't say anything until a couple of days before and then act shocked/hard done to if we say we might not be able to accommodate it straight away due to work or whatever we have planned.

DH always used to let this happen before he met me as he just enjoyed the extra time with his child. Since we've been together though it's been a real bone of contention because I feel like our plans don't matter. We've cancelled them before so she can go off and do what she wants because DH feels too guilty to say no a lot of the time (she's a master at guilt tripping him). So we've argued about it in the past. However he is much better now at standing his ground if we have something planned and it's not really been as big of a deal between us for a while even though she still tries it a lot.

Anyway, I posted in the chat replying to the picture saying 'well we won't know when we have DSC until she (ex) is on her way to drop her off haha'.

The two women replied saying things like oh yeah forgot about that and laughing and one said what a PITA it must be.

Admittedly I have spoken to these women before about it separately from this group because it used to really, really annoy me when it was really bad.

Anyway DH has gone mad saying I've obviously been bitching about it with the others and how wrong it is I've been discussing the mother of HIS child with other people blah blah.

I can't believe how annoyed he was about it. HE used to bitch and moan about it (still does when she tries it now), he proclaims that he doesn't like her 99% of the time and can't wait until he never has to deal with her again so I've no idea why he's all of a sudden acting like it's a big crime to have a joke about how irritating she can be with close friends. She can be irritating! He knows that! And it's not just him it used to affect a lot so why shouldn't I have spoken to my friends about something that affected me as well?

I feel like he's just picking a fight over nothing. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 09:28

EarringsandLipstick · 03/09/2022 09:26

He's been talking to the group about it. I doubt it was in favourable terms.

No. He spoke to individuals about the situation. Not made snide comments in a wider what's app group. Not at all comparable - as you know.

The individuals he spoke to ARE the wider group. I don't see the difference in person, by text, email, or WhatsApp.

Glad he apologised, OP.

And yes, men can be just as bitchy, if not far more so, than women.

HikingforScenery · 03/09/2022 09:28

Glad all is sorted, OP.
I agree you should hide it because you’ll get a load of replies on points you’ve already addressed

MrsLargeEmbodied · 03/09/2022 09:33

glad all is resolved

SophieIsHereToday · 03/09/2022 09:33

Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 07:37

He's their dad. I bet the ex is a PITA but he was happy to have his DC as much as needed and enjoyed spending more than 50% of the week with them and you stopped that.

No I didn't stop that. We had her a lot of the time. It was when we had planned to do something and DH wanted to say no but was guilt tripped by his ex into saying yes and us cancelling what we were doing so she could go out. That is very different and is not on. Which he knows.

Even to the extent of having to mess around his work so she could swan off on last minute holidays and things. I didn't stop that to be horrible, I tried to stop that because it wasn't right and he was being manipulated.

Sounds like you might be guilt tripping him, perhaps without realising it. He might be susceptable to trying to make his partner happy and not be thinking about what is right for him

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 09:37

SophieIsHereToday · 03/09/2022 09:33

Sounds like you might be guilt tripping him, perhaps without realising it. He might be susceptable to trying to make his partner happy and not be thinking about what is right for him

So what should she have done? Never expressed annoyance or dislike of her husbands ex manipulating him and making them cancel their plans? Why should she have done that? That isn't guilt tripping that's just saying something doesn't work for you in a relationship which is allowed. Yes, even when there are step children involved.

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 09:38

Why do you even need to arrange it for when SDC isn’t there?

Can’t you just go alone with your friends?

BloodAndFire · 03/09/2022 09:38

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 08:41

PPs are being incredibly unfair I think suggesting OP is stopping this man from seeing his child or reducing his time with his daughter. He's a grown man and it doesn't seem like his disagrees that his ex is unreasonable.

It's literally in her first post

DH always used to let this happen before he met me as he just enjoyed the extra time with his child. Since we've been together though it's been a real bone of contention because I feel like our plans don't matter

SophieIsHereToday · 03/09/2022 09:40

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 09:37

So what should she have done? Never expressed annoyance or dislike of her husbands ex manipulating him and making them cancel their plans? Why should she have done that? That isn't guilt tripping that's just saying something doesn't work for you in a relationship which is allowed. Yes, even when there are step children involved.

Be aware of his vunerability and try to not be as manipulative as his ex. Humiliating him in public is an example of manipulation. Lots we don't know about how she stopped DH extra visits. But worth shining a light on the possibility so that she can reflect. Only OP will know if this is something after needs to work on (same with many things in MN)

SophieIsHereToday · 03/09/2022 09:41

BloodAndFire · 03/09/2022 09:38

It's literally in her first post

DH always used to let this happen before he met me as he just enjoyed the extra time with his child. Since we've been together though it's been a real bone of contention because I feel like our plans don't matter

This

Askingadviceagain · 03/09/2022 09:41

He is probably feeling humiliated as its his boundary to enforce and also probaby doesnt like his child being spoken about as an inconvenience. I totally get the annoyance from you however but to put it on a WhatsApp group now gives the other members to green light to wade in on a clearly sensitive subject

hewouldwouldnthe · 03/09/2022 09:42

theres a huge difference between bitching in private and bitching on social media. YABU. Dirty linen, washing and all that

Mumspair1 · 03/09/2022 09:44

AnyFucker · 03/09/2022 06:57

DH and I make a point of not airing our disagreements in “public”. It works well.

I agree and you were way out of line. This is a private matter. I wouldn't have appreciated you talking about the dsc as well. I don't blame him at all for being pissed.

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 09:48

BloodAndFire · 03/09/2022 09:38

It's literally in her first post

DH always used to let this happen before he met me as he just enjoyed the extra time with his child. Since we've been together though it's been a real bone of contention because I feel like our plans don't matter

Because he feels too guilty to say no because his ex manipulates him. What part of that is good or admirable or going to be conducive of a successful relationship? Allowing yourself to be guilted into accepting whatever your ex demands is not okay or good. Not for you or for any partner you then subject to that.

She also clarified throughout and as early as her second post that her DH agrees with her and only used to say yes more because he didn't have plans and that they still say yes when they don't have plans.

I understand why it was probably easier when he wasn't with OP because he didn't have plans much or if he did he was only letting himself down but he shouldn't have allowed it then either.

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 09:52

Everyone in a co parenting relationship deserves to be able to make plans for themselves outside of the time their children are due to be there. Of course there will be occasions when that isn't possible or things come up and situations change but not every time, not to the point where you're continuously cancelling your own arrangements because your ex thinks she's more important and will try to emotionally blackmail you if you say no. In any other situation, people would call that abusive not be applauding him for accepting it and going along without complaint or calling it an amicable co parenting relationship as a PP laughably said.

RedRec · 03/09/2022 10:01

You were in the wrong.
And, as usual with these type of threads, the step child's privacy / dignity / feelings are not being taken into account.

ChicCroissant · 03/09/2022 10:01

Did you delete the message then, OP? Because even though you've sorted it out now I think that would be a gesture your DH would appreciate.

raindon · 03/09/2022 10:02

ChicCroissant · 03/09/2022 10:01

Did you delete the message then, OP? Because even though you've sorted it out now I think that would be a gesture your DH would appreciate.

Don't bother that will just draw attention to it and then their friends will know DH has given her a telling off for it.

IncompleteSenten · 03/09/2022 10:04

In what way was it a joke?

It was a factual, critical statement to a group of people.

That's not a joke. It's a snide comment.

Viney1 · 03/09/2022 10:04

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 09:38

Why do you even need to arrange it for when SDC isn’t there?

Can’t you just go alone with your friends?

Maybe she'd like to do some things with her husband? I know that must be such a shocking idea.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 10:07

SophieIsHereToday · 03/09/2022 09:40

Be aware of his vunerability and try to not be as manipulative as his ex. Humiliating him in public is an example of manipulation. Lots we don't know about how she stopped DH extra visits. But worth shining a light on the possibility so that she can reflect. Only OP will know if this is something after needs to work on (same with many things in MN)

Oh for goodness sake she didn't humiliate him! He said exactly the same to the people in the group, himself! She said nothing wrong. Her DH realised he was in the wrong, over-reacted and he apologised to OP. As he should have, topic closed.

Sillysillysillysilly · 03/09/2022 10:08

People always go crazy on threads like this.

I don't know how anyone can ask with a serious face why you might want to make plans with your own husband every now and then and not want a child to come along last minute or act like it's a cardinal sin to be annoyed at having to cancel your own plans to accommodate an unreasonable ex.

People are being purposefully ridiculous with their disbelief and questioning, they know full well they'd find the situation just as annoying and why you might not always be able to bring a child along or why you may not want to go alone with your friends every time.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 10:09

hewouldwouldnthe · 03/09/2022 09:42

theres a huge difference between bitching in private and bitching on social media. YABU. Dirty linen, washing and all that

She didn't bitch on 'social media'. She made the comment in a private whatsapp group, where she and he had already made the comment before. People aren't reading the OP's posts.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 10:10

RedRec · 03/09/2022 10:01

You were in the wrong.
And, as usual with these type of threads, the step child's privacy / dignity / feelings are not being taken into account.

No, the OP was not in the wrong. The DH was, and he admitted it and apologised to the OP, thankfully. So it's over.

Angelinflipflops · 03/09/2022 10:10

I'm not really sure how it's any of his business what other people say about a woman he once impregnated. You can't police others conversations.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 10:11

ChicCroissant · 03/09/2022 10:01

Did you delete the message then, OP? Because even though you've sorted it out now I think that would be a gesture your DH would appreciate.

Why should she have to? She did nothing wrong, her DH was in the wrong and has apologised. OP has no need to remove a factual statement that both of them have previously made to the whole group before..