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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH angry about WhatsApp joke.

193 replies

Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 06:36

I'm in a group chat with a group of friends that DH and I know. It's me, DH, 2 women and 2 men (they aren't couples if it matters). We use it to chat throughout the week sometimes and also to arrange getting together.

Someone posted in it last night a picture which said something like 'they should arrange an app where you and friends enter all your shifts and it tells you which weekends you're all free'.

Everyone in the group also has children. But me and DH are the only ones who have DC with someone they are still with however DH also has a child with his ex. So childcare/arranging things when the others DC are with their other parent is also a factor so it's a bit difficult sometimes.

I need to give a bit of background here. Basically DHs ex is a bit of a pain. She's alright until she doesn't get her way and then she can be pretty horrid. We have DSC 50:50 but she has a habit of getting a better offer on her weekend and then telling us at the last minute she needs us to have DSC and getting very stroppy when / if we say no. She does it with everything, if she books a holiday with friends which falls over her time for example she won't say anything until a couple of days before and then act shocked/hard done to if we say we might not be able to accommodate it straight away due to work or whatever we have planned.

DH always used to let this happen before he met me as he just enjoyed the extra time with his child. Since we've been together though it's been a real bone of contention because I feel like our plans don't matter. We've cancelled them before so she can go off and do what she wants because DH feels too guilty to say no a lot of the time (she's a master at guilt tripping him). So we've argued about it in the past. However he is much better now at standing his ground if we have something planned and it's not really been as big of a deal between us for a while even though she still tries it a lot.

Anyway, I posted in the chat replying to the picture saying 'well we won't know when we have DSC until she (ex) is on her way to drop her off haha'.

The two women replied saying things like oh yeah forgot about that and laughing and one said what a PITA it must be.

Admittedly I have spoken to these women before about it separately from this group because it used to really, really annoy me when it was really bad.

Anyway DH has gone mad saying I've obviously been bitching about it with the others and how wrong it is I've been discussing the mother of HIS child with other people blah blah.

I can't believe how annoyed he was about it. HE used to bitch and moan about it (still does when she tries it now), he proclaims that he doesn't like her 99% of the time and can't wait until he never has to deal with her again so I've no idea why he's all of a sudden acting like it's a big crime to have a joke about how irritating she can be with close friends. She can be irritating! He knows that! And it's not just him it used to affect a lot so why shouldn't I have spoken to my friends about something that affected me as well?

I feel like he's just picking a fight over nothing. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 10:12

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 09:38

Why do you even need to arrange it for when SDC isn’t there?

Can’t you just go alone with your friends?

Because they are BOTH OP and his friends. So BOTH of them will be there.
I wish people would read all the OPs posts in a thread before replying.

Sillysillysillysilly · 03/09/2022 10:13

Angelinflipflops · 03/09/2022 10:10

I'm not really sure how it's any of his business what other people say about a woman he once impregnated. You can't police others conversations.

Exactly. The ex doesn't belong to him. OP is as free as anyone to express annoyance at someone's behaviour when it directly impacts her

Summergirl5 · 03/09/2022 10:23

Oh dear
no he’s not just picking a fight
you were very insensitive.
and it made him look stupid ,like he can’t manage a relationship with his ex dp
your definitely in the wrong

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 10:24

Because they are BOTH OP and his friends. So BOTH of them will be there.
I wish people would read all the OPs posts in a thread before replying.

So OP can’t ever make plans to go out in case DHs ex needs him to have his child?

Why can’t OP make plans on the day they’re both meant to be free and then if DH is asked to have his child he can decide whether to say yes or no.

That way OP still gets to definitely go and get DH may be able to go.
If he chooses to see his child instead then that’s his choice and they gets to spend some quality time together.

Thereisnolight · 03/09/2022 10:25

AnyFucker · 03/09/2022 06:57

DH and I make a point of not airing our disagreements in “public”. It works well.

Yes, and bringing up his child in a public WhatsApp forum - not good. You probably didn’t mean it to come across badly but keep the kids out of your whatsapp jokes and bitching eh.

Bubbleguppette · 03/09/2022 10:26

I think writing it in public like this was a bad idea.
Firstly, that's DH's child's mum and he probably doesn't want her bad-mouthed for DC's sake.
Also, it makes it sound that he sometimes doesn't want his DC coming over...that knowledge would probably hurt his DC and shouldn't be made public.

quickbathroombreak · 03/09/2022 10:31

Not the point of this thread but there is an app where people can put in their free time to meet...it's called Doodle

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 10:32

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 10:24

Because they are BOTH OP and his friends. So BOTH of them will be there.
I wish people would read all the OPs posts in a thread before replying.

So OP can’t ever make plans to go out in case DHs ex needs him to have his child?

Why can’t OP make plans on the day they’re both meant to be free and then if DH is asked to have his child he can decide whether to say yes or no.

That way OP still gets to definitely go and get DH may be able to go.
If he chooses to see his child instead then that’s his choice and they gets to spend some quality time together.

You're not getting it. The friends are AS MUCH HIS FRIENDS, as they are hers! He doesn't want to miss out on seeing them either! It's not her friends, it's THEIR friends. They BOTH....want....to....go.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 10:34

Thereisnolight · 03/09/2022 10:25

Yes, and bringing up his child in a public WhatsApp forum - not good. You probably didn’t mean it to come across badly but keep the kids out of your whatsapp jokes and bitching eh.

It was a PRIVATE WhatsApp group and all the people in the small private group were already told the same thing by her husband!

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 10:35

Bubbleguppette · 03/09/2022 10:26

I think writing it in public like this was a bad idea.
Firstly, that's DH's child's mum and he probably doesn't want her bad-mouthed for DC's sake.
Also, it makes it sound that he sometimes doesn't want his DC coming over...that knowledge would probably hurt his DC and shouldn't be made public.

It was in a small private group and the DH had already said the exact same thing to them all before!

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 10:38

You're not getting it. The friends are AS MUCH HIS FRIENDS, as they are hers! He doesn't want to miss out on seeing them either! It's not her friends, it's THEIR friends.
They BOTH....want....to....go.

So then he can tell his ex he already has plans then.

You can’t not plan something just incase you can’t go.

thoroughlypipinghotbeforeserving · 03/09/2022 10:40

cancelling what we were doing so she could go out

I dont get this bit.

If you have DC together why would you need to 'cancel what you were doing' to accomdate DSC as presumably what you were doing would be something child friendly due to having your own DC ?

Hurrrrah · 03/09/2022 10:42

Sounds like this last minute having his children only became an issue when you appeared and you didn't like him putting his kids first, so he started to say no to keep you happy. This just looks bad on you to be honest, you don't openly bitch about your step children's mother in a group chat that your husband is in. Even if he has privately moaned to you in the past, that doesn't give you the green light to share this with other people. You are unreasonable on every front here.

BadNomad · 03/09/2022 10:44

thoroughlypipinghotbeforeserving · 03/09/2022 10:40

cancelling what we were doing so she could go out

I dont get this bit.

If you have DC together why would you need to 'cancel what you were doing' to accomdate DSC as presumably what you were doing would be something child friendly due to having your own DC ?

Why would you presume they would be doing something child friendly? Couples do do things without their children, you know.

Shimy · 03/09/2022 10:49

@OP, You're airing your dirty linen in public. Just because your dh has moaned about his ex to you in the past doesn't mean he wants it aired on Whatsapp! somethings need to remain private and you've overshared.

Sillysillysillysilly · 03/09/2022 10:56

thoroughlypipinghotbeforeserving · 03/09/2022 10:40

cancelling what we were doing so she could go out

I dont get this bit.

If you have DC together why would you need to 'cancel what you were doing' to accomdate DSC as presumably what you were doing would be something child friendly due to having your own DC ?

And this is what I meant when I said people are being purposefully ridiculous with their questioning. It's not difficult.

Even parents who are still together with their child's other parent go out without them sometimes. It's not against the law.

Sillysillysillysilly · 03/09/2022 10:59

thoroughlypipinghotbeforeserving · 03/09/2022 10:40

cancelling what we were doing so she could go out

I dont get this bit.

If you have DC together why would you need to 'cancel what you were doing' to accomdate DSC as presumably what you were doing would be something child friendly due to having your own DC ?

And this is what I meant when I said people are being purposefully ridiculous with their questioning and faux confusion. It's not difficult.

Even parents who are still together with their child's other parent go out without them sometimes. It's not against the law.

TheCutter · 03/09/2022 11:03

Yabu. It's one thing your DH moaning to you, and another you discussing it with a group of friends then making a joke about it in a chat.

gamerchick · 03/09/2022 11:05

Sorry OP I winced when I read that. I wouldn't like that

However if he chooses to pander then he should be the only one missing out. I'd simply let him come to the lightbulb in his own time and go myself anyway.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 11:06

TheCutter · 03/09/2022 11:03

Yabu. It's one thing your DH moaning to you, and another you discussing it with a group of friends then making a joke about it in a chat.

I wish people would read the OP's posts before replying. Her DH had already said the same thing with these friends, himself. OP is NBU, in fact her husband has already apologised for him overreacting. Her husband was in the wrong and apologised.

It's over.

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2022 11:14

I think it's different when it's the written word rather than a conversation. It's difficult to strike the right tone, lacks the nuance of your facial expressions and rhythm of speaking. It's less intimate . It's just black & white!

It's obviously more complicated for him emotionally than it is for you. You may well see the situation with clear eyes but that doesn't necessarily mean you are right to have brought it up in the WhatsApp.

Nobody needs to win every argument. Sometimes it's just good to understand where you both draw a line.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/09/2022 11:16

Your remark was tactless and very unclassy. It may be an open secret that she does this but there's absolutely no need for this to be discussed publicly in this way.

You've made him look judged and ganged up on and roped your friends into a private discussion. It looks like a passive aggressive dig at him for his previous life choices.

I would be upset if my partner made a remark like this about my ex in this kind of forum.

You should apologise and in future keep digs at the ex to the two of you.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 11:23

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/09/2022 11:16

Your remark was tactless and very unclassy. It may be an open secret that she does this but there's absolutely no need for this to be discussed publicly in this way.

You've made him look judged and ganged up on and roped your friends into a private discussion. It looks like a passive aggressive dig at him for his previous life choices.

I would be upset if my partner made a remark like this about my ex in this kind of forum.

You should apologise and in future keep digs at the ex to the two of you.

Please RTFT or at least OP's posts, @Thepeopleversuswork . The OP said nothing wrong, her own husband publicly with the group himself, so he was a hypocrite. He was the one in the wrong, he has admitted he over-reacted and he has already apologised to the OP.

It's over.

Bubbleguppette · 03/09/2022 11:25

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 10:35

It was in a small private group and the DH had already said the exact same thing to them all before!

Yes indeed, but I agree with this poster...

I think it's different when it's the written word rather than a conversation. It's difficult to strike the right tone, lacks the nuance of your facial expressions and rhythm of speaking. It's less intimate . It's just black & white!

It's obviously more complicated for him emotionally than it is for you. You may well see the situation with clear eyes but that doesn't necessarily mean you are right to have brought it up in the WhatsApp.

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2022 11:27

They've both apologised and cleared the air.