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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH angry about WhatsApp joke.

193 replies

Whatsappo · 03/09/2022 06:36

I'm in a group chat with a group of friends that DH and I know. It's me, DH, 2 women and 2 men (they aren't couples if it matters). We use it to chat throughout the week sometimes and also to arrange getting together.

Someone posted in it last night a picture which said something like 'they should arrange an app where you and friends enter all your shifts and it tells you which weekends you're all free'.

Everyone in the group also has children. But me and DH are the only ones who have DC with someone they are still with however DH also has a child with his ex. So childcare/arranging things when the others DC are with their other parent is also a factor so it's a bit difficult sometimes.

I need to give a bit of background here. Basically DHs ex is a bit of a pain. She's alright until she doesn't get her way and then she can be pretty horrid. We have DSC 50:50 but she has a habit of getting a better offer on her weekend and then telling us at the last minute she needs us to have DSC and getting very stroppy when / if we say no. She does it with everything, if she books a holiday with friends which falls over her time for example she won't say anything until a couple of days before and then act shocked/hard done to if we say we might not be able to accommodate it straight away due to work or whatever we have planned.

DH always used to let this happen before he met me as he just enjoyed the extra time with his child. Since we've been together though it's been a real bone of contention because I feel like our plans don't matter. We've cancelled them before so she can go off and do what she wants because DH feels too guilty to say no a lot of the time (she's a master at guilt tripping him). So we've argued about it in the past. However he is much better now at standing his ground if we have something planned and it's not really been as big of a deal between us for a while even though she still tries it a lot.

Anyway, I posted in the chat replying to the picture saying 'well we won't know when we have DSC until she (ex) is on her way to drop her off haha'.

The two women replied saying things like oh yeah forgot about that and laughing and one said what a PITA it must be.

Admittedly I have spoken to these women before about it separately from this group because it used to really, really annoy me when it was really bad.

Anyway DH has gone mad saying I've obviously been bitching about it with the others and how wrong it is I've been discussing the mother of HIS child with other people blah blah.

I can't believe how annoyed he was about it. HE used to bitch and moan about it (still does when she tries it now), he proclaims that he doesn't like her 99% of the time and can't wait until he never has to deal with her again so I've no idea why he's all of a sudden acting like it's a big crime to have a joke about how irritating she can be with close friends. She can be irritating! He knows that! And it's not just him it used to affect a lot so why shouldn't I have spoken to my friends about something that affected me as well?

I feel like he's just picking a fight over nothing. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 11:28

I wish people would read the OP's posts before replying. Her DH had already said the same thing with these friends, himself.

This is what you are not seeming to understand.

It’s HIS ex so HE gets to bitch and moan about her to other people.

Its like moaning about your partner or DCs to someone and then them moaning about your partner or you children to someone else.
It’s not their place to do so.

I’m glad he’s apologised because there was obviously no malicious intent but it’s just something you don’t do.

djdkdkddkek · 03/09/2022 11:32

I’d take the “joke” to mean that his ex drops his daughter off too much for your liking and you’ve bitched about it behind his back

mountainsunsets · 03/09/2022 11:38

I don't think it was appropriate and I think you should apologise.

It's a bit like how (for example) it's fine for you to tell your friends your mum has upset you, but it wouldn't be okay for your DH to talk to mutual friends about how horrible your mum has been to you.

Also, having a moan in private is one thing, but moaning about your DH's ex in front of him AND in front of mutual friends just isn't very nice. He's clearly embarrassed and understandably so.

At the end of the day, she's not your ex to slag off in public.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 11:40

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 11:28

I wish people would read the OP's posts before replying. Her DH had already said the same thing with these friends, himself.

This is what you are not seeming to understand.

It’s HIS ex so HE gets to bitch and moan about her to other people.

Its like moaning about your partner or DCs to someone and then them moaning about your partner or you children to someone else.
It’s not their place to do so.

I’m glad he’s apologised because there was obviously no malicious intent but it’s just something you don’t do.

I don't agree. OP is his wife, it's her step-daughter, and it affects her as much as him. Which is why they both have mentioned it to the group.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 11:42

mountainsunsets · 03/09/2022 11:38

I don't think it was appropriate and I think you should apologise.

It's a bit like how (for example) it's fine for you to tell your friends your mum has upset you, but it wouldn't be okay for your DH to talk to mutual friends about how horrible your mum has been to you.

Also, having a moan in private is one thing, but moaning about your DH's ex in front of him AND in front of mutual friends just isn't very nice. He's clearly embarrassed and understandably so.

At the end of the day, she's not your ex to slag off in public.

Her husband has already apologised because he over-reacted, and OP did nothing wrong, Read The Full Thread, or at least OP's posts. Also as his wife, and the step-mother, it affects her equally, and it's her family too, so she has every right to speak. He was a hypocrite because he himself talked about it to the group. In the end, OP's husband was the one in the wrong and he's already apologised, as he should do.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 11:44

All these people that are too bloody lazy to read the OP's replies before they post, on something that's already been settled. I hope the OP has indeed hidden this thread, as someone else suggested. There should be a Mumsnet rule in the Guidelines that you can't reply unless you've read all the OP's replies on the thread, not just the first one.

Marvellousmadness · 03/09/2022 11:45

I wouldnt apologise tbh.
You said it. You have a right to say it

Its like people who are fat. They call them selves fat and then it is ok but as soon as someone else does it: it causes offence ..

If HE can bitch and moan, you can too

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 11:46

I don't agree. OP is his wife, it's her step-daughter, and it affects her as much as him. Which is why they both have mentioned it to the group.

You don’t get it.

There are just certain things that is ok for one person to say but not someone else.

It’s his ex and his child.

Herejustforthisone · 03/09/2022 11:53

I think that's a good point. I sometimes think we don't give men enough credit for their attitude to bitching. They do pick up on it, even if most of the time they don't call us out on it. Most men don't seem to like women bitching about other women, which is a good thing I think

Men don’t get enough credit for their attitude towards ‘bitching’?

Well, that’s it. I’ve heard everything.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 11:54

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 11:46

I don't agree. OP is his wife, it's her step-daughter, and it affects her as much as him. Which is why they both have mentioned it to the group.

You don’t get it.

There are just certain things that is ok for one person to say but not someone else.

It’s his ex and his child.

I do get it. I simply disagree. This isn't about a boyfriend moaning about his girlfriend's mum. This is OP's FAMILY, TOO. It is her DSC. And it affects the OP, as much as it affects her husband. She has every right to speak up. Every right. As it's her family.

If he was merely her boyfriend and she wasn't legally married and had no relationship to his daughter as a SM, or if it were a friend, or a friend's mother, I would agree. But I do not agree here, because it is legally her family too.

Oysterbabe · 03/09/2022 11:57

I think it was really inappropriate and I'd be angry too.

mountainsunsets · 03/09/2022 12:04

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 11:42

Her husband has already apologised because he over-reacted, and OP did nothing wrong, Read The Full Thread, or at least OP's posts. Also as his wife, and the step-mother, it affects her equally, and it's her family too, so she has every right to speak. He was a hypocrite because he himself talked about it to the group. In the end, OP's husband was the one in the wrong and he's already apologised, as he should do.

I've read the thread, but I still don't agree he was wrong - nor do I think he was a hypocrite. She's his ex - he can sway whatever he wants about her to whoever he chooses.

But, whether it affects her quality of life or not, she's not OP's ex to slag off to their mutual friends. There's a huge difference between slagging off your own ex/family members and slagging off your partners' ex and family.

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2022 12:04

Hhhhmmm she wasn't "speaking up" in the sense she was trying to argue for a change in her DHs behaviour. If it was she'd have directed it to the one person who could change what was bothering her - her husband.

It was an additional comment which opened up the topic for others to make similar commentary on their family circumstances.

Anyway the Op & her husband have cleared the air and it is resolved.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 12:12

mountainsunsets · 03/09/2022 12:04

I've read the thread, but I still don't agree he was wrong - nor do I think he was a hypocrite. She's his ex - he can sway whatever he wants about her to whoever he chooses.

But, whether it affects her quality of life or not, she's not OP's ex to slag off to their mutual friends. There's a huge difference between slagging off your own ex/family members and slagging off your partners' ex and family.

It's her legal family, too. It's not like it's just your boyfriend's mum. It's her legal family and she has a legal responsibility over DSC. She had to say why it was difficult for them. The reason being they don't know when they'll get DSD until she's there. Pretty straightforward answer. Not sniping, not slagging anyone off. Just the truth.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 12:14

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2022 12:04

Hhhhmmm she wasn't "speaking up" in the sense she was trying to argue for a change in her DHs behaviour. If it was she'd have directed it to the one person who could change what was bothering her - her husband.

It was an additional comment which opened up the topic for others to make similar commentary on their family circumstances.

Anyway the Op & her husband have cleared the air and it is resolved.

It had nothing to do with her husband, or his behaviour. She had to say why it was difficult for them to set dates. The reason being they don't know when they'll get DSD until she's there. Just a normal explanation.

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2022 12:15

We will have to agree to disagree.

mountainsunsets · 03/09/2022 12:36

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 12:12

It's her legal family, too. It's not like it's just your boyfriend's mum. It's her legal family and she has a legal responsibility over DSC. She had to say why it was difficult for them. The reason being they don't know when they'll get DSD until she's there. Pretty straightforward answer. Not sniping, not slagging anyone off. Just the truth.

The ex is nothing do with her, legally or otherwise. Yes - she might have a moral responsibility to the DSC but that's really where that relationship ends. If her and her DH split up tomorrow, she'd have no obligations towards the DSC whatsoever.

She also didn't have to go into any detail about why making plans is difficult - she could have left that for her DH to answer, or just said "we often have DSD here last minute so we can't always plan too far in advance". No need to bring the ex into it whatsoever.

Bubbleguppette · 03/09/2022 12:49

She also didn't have to go into any detail about why making plans is difficult - she could have left that for her DH to answer, or just said "we often have DSD here last minute so we can't always plan too far in advance". No need to bring the ex into it whatsoever.

I* agree with this. Saying *
'well we won't know when we have DSC until she (ex) is on her way to drop her off haha'
is just a bitchier type of comment and I can see why her DH was embarrassed by it.

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