To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

I think your title should be more specific to your situation rather than talking about people in general and as a woman who had her children in her 20s, i actually found it pretty offensive.

Surely this is about these people you know not about everyone who has children older.

You are being fucking offensive and hypocritical to boot. You have a chronic health issue you say and yet are pregnant with DC2.
Maybe you should think about glass houses and stones before opening your trap.

Surely being an older parent is not more or less selfish than choosing to be a parent when you have a chronic health condition.

Absolutely and I tried to make that clear in my post.

I asked my sister to be a legal guardian for my DC when I made a will. She’s in her 50s. Was happy I asked.
YABU

They could be 25 and die tomorrow.
They could be your age and develop a chronic health condition.

Ah well done OP for being the first person to think about the future when making major life decisions that rely heavily on aspects of pure chance. Great advice!

To wish people would my specific friends had look to the future before having late in life babies?

There you go

Surely nobody arranges the ongoing care of their hypothetically orphaned children via text messages.

Your thread title makes you sound pretty awful tbh.

Especially as you have a chronic health condition and are pregnant. Hopefully people won't think you selfish should your condition deteriorate and you need extra help.

Yanbu to wish these people wouldn't rely in you so much, yabu to generalise that all people who have dc in their 40s are selfish.

I see what you’re saying, my health condition shouldn’t be life limiting and I deliberately brought my TTC plans forward and had DD in my mid 20s just in case. Should be 31 when this one turns up, all being well.

Well I had my kids "later in life" but I'm fit and healthy with no chronic health conditions - am I more or less selfish and short-sighted than you OP? Genuinely interested.

I didn’t say people who have kids in their 40s are selfish, nor do I think it. I think I should’ve worded the title ‘AIBU to not want to be legal guardians to my relatives’ maybe. Sorry for any offence caused by the title.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

@Wouldloveanother if you don't want to provide a home/family to these children then you need to be upfront about it.

if you (you and their father if he's with you) we killed in a car accident tomorrow, who would bring up your children??

This has nothing to do with them being older parents? They could have easily asked you to act as a guardian if they were in their 30s? Having a chronic health issue and having two children, I’m surprised you can’t see the irony in your post. Who are you expecting to look after your children if the worst happened? Surely that person feels similarly to you.

Maybe it's time to have a clear conversation about what they are asking and what, if anything, you're prepared to do. I think clarity will kill this not very nice resentment you are expressing.

So for example, you might be prepared to be a trustee alongside a solicitor of a trust fund for the child(ren) and to make sure that they are housed appropriately (Foster care? Friends' parents? Boarding school?) and in general be an important adult for them. But they need to know that you are not prepared to have the children to live with you, and they need to think how their child would be financially supported in those circumstances.

I don't think there is an IABU in these circumstances. You could be in the prime of life with no dependents and still not wish to have distantly related children to live with you, and that would be fine. In fact, my guess would be if you didn't have any dependants or health needs, they would be less likely to ask you.

This. You sound very unkind. I hope my children view their necessary and nephews with more love and compassion. They're teenagers, they won't be a burden to you.

So you have a cronic health condition yet are pregnant with your second child but judging others for their choices in case they cant support their children later on. Thats ironic.
its not fair to expect you to take on a burden but id question why if you're family you don't want to make sure they are okay from time to time. Of course your children being younger they could be stuck helping you out in future years, its always about give and take. Lets hope if they do that they are more gratious.

Wait so you also have chronic health problems but it's acceptable for you to have kids, not them?

Why is it not acceptable to have your first baby in your mid 40s but it is acceptable to have your second while you have a chronic illness?

Please note, I'm not judging either but since you are, I'd like to know your reasoning.

Yabu. My mum had me in her twenties and died in her early forties. Considering life expectancy in the UK is over 80, having kids when you're in your forties is not particularly foolhardy.

But they didn’t have ‘kids’ that’s my point. They had one child. Hence no siblings in later life, and a presumption I will step into this role.

Should say nieces and nephews

So it's also wrong to have one child?