To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

I wouldn't blame your aunts too much. People usually love their children more than anything and can be a bit blinkered when considering their wellbeing. People have different expectations in families too. I think you just have to firmly spell out what you can and can't do, repeatedly as necessary.

Ugh, pregnancy sickness is bloody awful! Poor you.

I puked all the way through with mine (twins) - I was almost glad to give birth prematurely just so I could stop being sick haha! And it's not just the being sick, it's the never-ending nausea.....

I don't envy you OP. Hope the sickness passes soon!!! I think the wrist bands are supposed to help some women - didn't do much for me tbh but might be worth a try.

Failing that, just vomit over any annoying relatives. That'll put them off for a while.

I do realize this, which was actually part of my point. What are the odds that TWO separate families would have no one but YOU to rely on. But wait, according to you there are many other relatives of yours that had kids in their 40s. I dont know if its one side or people on both sides, but where are all these family members? If they are YOUR family, they are family to at least one of these cousins. You still have not explained why its YOU and ONLY YOU that can fulfill this role of Christmas host. Where is the rest of your family? Mom's side and Dad's side? At least I was right about the father in the couple...a sad, only child orphan (were his parents in their 40s when they had him? if not how selfish of them not to have another right?) Who were HIS pseudo siblings? If he expects his child to have one I would assume he must of had one.

That is a bit like “I don’t mean to be rude but …”.

Your title is most telling and no it isn’t just a title, it reveals what you really think or you wouldn’t have written it.

You have gone on to over and over criticise having children later in life, refuse to acknowledge that maybe people don’t have a choice (but don’t tell all and sundry) and all the while trying to insist you mean something else in the “I don’t mean to be rude but…” way.

I read through all OP's posts, not full thread.

YANBU even with the title taken at the face value. Older parents need to think about additional aspects before having a baby, similarly how you had to evaluate your condition. It doesn't mean they can't have them, but they just need to consider, plan and ask before assuming. It is a truth of life and all those posters being unhappy about it won't change it.

For your real question- YANBU for not liking the situation and demands placed on you. I don't think it really is about age of the parents, it looks like family issues with lack of respect for you as a separate person with needs and wishes, which manifested over questions of parents age and single child position.

I suppose you can just reiterate for now that with your small children, you aren't in a position to travel to them often, but if they want to come, they are welcome. And repeat and repeat. They won't come and you won't have to tell them to f... off. Not that you couldn't tell them so, but it seems you prefer not to do it.

And yes, the thread is awful, just... no matter how many times you post for people to read your answers, it will make no difference, because people don't read your answers, they just read the title and came to express their offence.

@zoeFromCity - you could take the words "older parents" out from your post and replace with "everyone considering having a baby" and it would then be more true.

For life is uncertain for everyone.

Ageism is not good, and the thread might have gone better from the OP is she had not been ageist in the title

Gosh that’s a lot of capitals.

Its complicated but the long and short of it is that my family is very very tiny on one side, and there are a lot of NC relationships on the other.

It doesn’t matter how much you try to ‘Sherlock’ my story. It is what it is, and believe it or not a lot of families are far more complex for simple logic like yours to be applied.

Well no because that’s not the reason for my aunt’s concerns.

I think a lot of people posted knee jerk responses to the title. And now I’ve explained a bit more they’re all flustered ‘Yes well, regardless of all that, there’s clearly an undertone of ageism’.

there’s a lot to be said for reading the thread before replying, most of these responses have been totally irrelevant.

OP YANBU nor are you ‘fucking offensive’ 🥱

Unfortunate wording yes, but anybody with any lateral thinking skills would realise you were talking about these people specifically- the ones who have asked you to step in should there be a problem and are laying on the guilt.

It isn’t your problem and you don’t have to make it so either.

People need to stop being so professionally offended over absolutely nothing all the time.

Jesus Christ!

Life is uncertain yes, but to suggest that an older couple having a baby is somehow the same as one in their twenties, from a health perspective, is ludicrous.

I had my last baby in my early thirties. My husband is older than me. His health is deteriorating as you expect it to in an older man, the difference between he and I is remarkable and it really shows.

If we were both like him health wise, and he’s not in terrible health - he’s just getting old - things would be a lot different here.

Lifestyle diseases starts to develop from your mid forties - biologically, for many reasons IT IS old to be having children.

And somehow making someone responsible for this to assuage your own insecurity at having had kids later in life and realising your health is now deteriorating, is not om.

Nowhere does OP say she wouldn’t check in on them, not the same as completely having to step up though is it.

But OP has said she has chronic health conditions! Don’t you think it a bit hypocritical to preach about what age others should be because of potential issues down the line, whilst simultaneously bringing children into the world whilst having chronic health conditions?

@Aprilx it would on be hypocritical if I as bombarding my niece with messages pressuring her to bond with my DD ‘as you might be all she has one day’. Which is my complaint. And I’m not doing that am I?

Another poster totally missing the point.

Exactly @Quincythequince thank you for reading my posts!

She’s also said it’s not life limiting.

There are many health conditions that exist that you can’t get rid of , that won’t kill you prematurely.

Eczema is one example of that. Most health conditions don’t kill you and aren’t life limiting of and in themselves.

So depending on the condition, no, it’s not hypocritical at all.

I mean, are health insurance (critical illness and life assurance) also ageist, or are they offering you a policy based on statistics which means that the cost of cover goes up dramatically from your mid thirties.

Why do you think that is??

I wonder 🙄

I am an older parent (had my eldest in my late thirties and my youngest in my early forties). I must admit that I did not think too much about the 'consequences' of having children a little later than the average age. However, I have realised that older grandparents cannot be expected to step in. My parents were in their seventies when my sons were born, and by the time the boys were at their most boisterous, the grandparents were becoming frail.

My sister had here children in her twenties and early thirties, so my sons' cousins are eleven to fifteen years older than them. This meant they did not play together as children, and are at a different stage in their lives to my sons.

However, these are just facts of life to us. My sons always had a great deal of love from their relatives, but there was a limit to how much the relatives could be or wanted to be actively involved with them.

The biggest problem came from my sons' poor mental health. This was something no-one could have anticipated. They are now both in their early twenties, but they each have severe mental illness. So, at a time when my sons 'should' be becoming more independent; they are more dependent than ever. My mother and mother in law are in their nineties, and my own health is not as good as it should be.

Being older parents has nothing to do with my sons' health issues, but it means the caring issues that come when parents get older, and the health issues that may arise as we get older, are compounded by the responsibilities of caring for two very unstable young people.

Then, there are changes in working practices. I am in my early sixties, and, if my personal and the national economic situation was more stable, I could perhaps take early retirement to focus on caring. However, I am one of what i expect is a growing number of older people who can not envisage retiring.

So, yes, being an older parent can have certain difficulties, but the most challenging of the difficulties come from factors that no-one could have foreseen.

So, yes, being an older parent can have certain difficulties, but the most challenging of the difficulties come from factors that no-one could have foreseen

I’m so sorry for your situation, it must be tough. But with respect, this is really not what the OP was posting about.

But people aren’t disagreeing with me, they’re arguing with themselves. my AIBU wasn’t ‘AIBU to think people shouldn’t have kids after 30’

Your AIBU title: 'to wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies'

I mean…different words, same meaning 😂

And yes, I KNOW you say 'but my situation is really specific to ME' but your title wasn't.

And I explained my crappy title in the post. I just thought it gave an overall view of the issue in limited words. But hey ho, red rag to a bull and all that.

OP: ‘Happy to be told IABU’

Also OP: 161 posts insisting that she most definitely is not BU.

No, 161 posts foaming at the title without responding to the AIBU.

Only a small handful of posters have said whether my aunt is BU or not. They said she was. What do you think?

The 161 posts were just from you. 162 now.

Honestly? I think your family sound very strange. Who on earth approaches these kind of conversations via text? I think it’s unreasonable for anyone to assume that someone else will automatically care for their dependents after their death. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to open the conversation or to ask, however.

Equally you seem to have a Schrodinger’s chronic health condition which simultaneously makes it impossible for you to take on additional caring responsibilities but also has no impact on your own ability to parent. It is OK not to want to take on guardianship. It’s not generally something that people actively want to do.

My family are strange 🤷🏼‍♀️ the obsession with my health is just a straw man designed to avoid answering my actual question, but thanks for saying IANBU.

Then why did you mention it in your OP as a specific reason why you can't take on the children?

Because I manage it carefully and that can be quite time consuming. Honestly Yippee, all you posters obsessing over my health aren’t making the point you think you’re making - you look every bit as nasty and judgemental as you falsely accuse me of being.