To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

Just concentrate on yourself OP and stop wasting energy trying to judge others or control their choices

I think there’s a big difference between rare and unforeseeable events that could affect any one of us, and the likelihood of issues arising from having a solitary child as an only parent at 43. If we all worried about the former then nobody would have children, whether they were 20 or 50.

The children are teenagers already anyway - this is a moot point.

Your comments about them spending their 20s enjoying themselves are very revealing.

Yep @Wouldloveanother YABU.

These teenagers may never need you. They may just need someone to be in their corner from time to time. Or to feel they are part of a family.

I didn’t have my kids until I was nearly forty. My sister had hers much earlier, said she had named me as the guardian for her kids if anything happened. I would absolutely have stepped up but happily never needed to. I named her as my kids guardian when my kids were small. Again, happily never required.

The children are nearly adults and if their parents die they will make their own decisions about relationships with the wider family and family friends. I’d be surprised if they gravitate towards you for every Christmas.

I hope this couple live til they're 100 so their child is spared having to be brought up by you

Being critical of the gay woman's choices? Can you imagine how much more of a challenge it was for her? She couldn't just "get pregnant" in her 20s.
What about the straight couple, how do you know what their circumstances were?

This thread is not a good look for you OP.

Please be honest with these people about your feelings. Hopefully they will cut you off and be happier without your nasty judgemental presence and will make much more appropriate arrangements with someone who actually is close to them.

A friend text me to ask me to consider being legal guardian for her kids. She didn’t want to put me on the spot and wanted to give me time to think about it.

All of this assumes these young people would want to come to you at Christmas etc. I think you’re panicking a bit unnecessarily and that’s because your own DCs are so young and you can’t imagine how it’d all work.

I do think your post is a bit tone deaf and hypocritical as your chronic condition must effect how you are going to be able to parent your own children and must limit your activities. I say this as you say it is painful and inconvenient.

if these young ppl are family, why wouldn’t you want to support them? Why would you punish them because you disapprove of their parents’ decisions?

I just can’t imagine resenting the children of these family members. As you have said yourself you are unlikely to be asked to be a guardian (& I can see why!) so how much of an imposition is it for you really? I can’t imagine they will be leaning on you much in the future if at all. I agree with PP that you probably resent these family members for having their child free time in their 20’s.

And if we all worried about what you think then nobody would have children then either.

You're being ridiculous given the ages of these 'children'. They're practically adults who'll be off doing their own things, it's not like they're going to be reliant on miserable aunt Wouldloveanother to change their nappies and wean them on to solids 🙄

@MrsNobodyMM very good point. Irritability about others dressed up about concern

Its not my fault l didn’t meet my fiancé until my mid 30’s. Then it took us over 4 years to conceive and 3 rounds of IVF. I wish things were different but there you go. To be fair we are both in excellent health. If l wasn’t pregnant then we would probably be doing the Great North Run this year

Crikey, you've managed to be offensive towards both older parents and parents of only children in your post. Despite your protests that you are referring to these specific people, you are making very general assumptions based on in-built prejudices. Also you're being mean-spirited towards relatives (eg why should I have to invite them over for Christmas dinner).

Who are you to judge when and why people have children? It's a biological imperative for us as a species, and for many people it is one of their main objectives in life. Congratulations for being in a position to have children in your 20s/early 30s and for being fortunate enough to have two. Get off your high horse and try toning down the cold attitude towards other people whose lives haven't followed what you consider to be the appropriate timeline.

You sound so unbearably smug op that I doubt these teens will want to hang around with you op

It’s more that there’s an expectation that if they end up lone adults, I will invite them to every Christmas, regularly keep in touch, birthdays etc.as well as ‘being there for them’ as their main family member.

This is the post that sums it up for me.

To start with it sounded like you were worried about ending up with custody of their teenagers but actually it’s more that you’ll potentially be ‘burdened’ with having them in your life at all.

Chances are they will have their own families as adults but if they are alone it’s really sad that you’d begrudge having them in your life.

Oh, and when these teenagers are adults, I hope you don't call on them for help with your kids because of your chronic health conditions.

Surely everyone regardless of their age when they have kids should have a plan of what happens should they be no longer around when the kids are young enough to need looking after?

Just reply that you don’t feel you are currently in a position to make that assurance. You’ll do what you can but for peace of mind it would be best for the children if they could find someone else.

You are right, they should have considered the implications of having children later in life - it’s not down to you to resolve their issues.

If they are teenagers already and you aren't currently involved in their life to the extent you wouldn't want to invite them for Christnas chances are they already have their own friends in their life who would invite them.

Let's hope that if you and DH were killed in a hypothetical car crash that your kids would not be perceived as a burden for life by whoever is named as guardian in your wills.

@Wouldloveanother do your friends have no other family around them?

Tbf they should have thought about what would happen to their child in the event they were left alone. I know my children will always have somewhere to go.

Maybe you should have phrased your question more along those lines. Unfortunately your aren't going to get many people reading between the lines as most seem to be going straight on the defence!!

I was asked and would have my N and N if their parents died - but they are BVU to tell you that you should or that you must. If they're worried then they need to put proper things in place not just try and guilt/force you into it. I think a lot of people on this thread are missing the point tbh.

Also, I think the comments about them enjoying their 20s are quite telling.

I had my dc in my mid/ late 20s (I was a teacher and so had a career established and good maternity leave at a young age) and I’ve never regretted it or resented or been envious of people who had their children later.
I honestly think this is part of why you sound so bitter about this situation.