To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

"I’m so sorry for your situation, it must be tough. But with respect, this is really not what the OP was posting about."

I certainly agree. However, I think there is space for a healthy wider debate and sharing of experiences.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable.

I've made a grand total of two posts and I've accused you of nothing so back off on that, thank you.

Look, you don't want to take on care of these relatives and the reasons you cite in your OP apparently aren't relevant. That's fine. It really is. Your family may not feel the same. That is their prerogative.

It is always going to be easier to argue this with strangers on the internet than actually discuss it with your family. I hope this thread has at least been useful in showing you some of the things not to say when you actually broach the topic.

My Dad was mid 40s when I was born and I went though a stage in my early 20s of being quite angry that he had waited so long to have me.... like all my friends had years and years ahead with their fathers but mine was on a clock. Of course, that's not how it really works and I know lots of my contemporaries who've lost parents prematurely due to illness while (touch wood) my Dad is still going strong.

That said my Mum is younger so I have that on my side, whereas a friend of mine was born to both parents a similar age to my Dad. He lost his mother by 40 and his father by 45 and is quite angry he's been left (an only child too with no cousins). He's had alit of therapy to cope with his anger at being born into a situation where he was more likely to end up alone younger.

All this said, my father was born to a 14 and 15yr old which was a much worse situation and he's had to have a truck load of therapy about his highly dysfunctional parents, so it's swings and roundabouts. I suppose in an ideal world everyone would have kids at 25 but life gets in the way.

You've got a chronic health condition, yet are pregnant with a DC? Pot? Kettle?

Am I harassing my niece to be a surrogate sibling? If not; then no pots and no kettles here.

OP not everyone 'with an only' chooses to a/have a child so late in life and b/have one child. I didn't meet my partner until I was older and have secondary infertility so couldn't have more than one despite trying ten years to have a second. I hate your post and whilst I get why you feel the way you do your post is really anger inducing. I bet you got pg with your 2nd really easily. Totally fucking clueless.

YANBU

A relative of mine had her kids when she and her husband were 19 and 27. The kids had lost both parents by the time the oldest was 18 and the youngest 10.

Their kids are just a few years away from being adults. Your own kids are probably far more statistically likely to need a guardian than theirs. They only have a few years until adulthood and yours have over well over a decade left.

There but for the grace of God and all that.

This story has more holes than a colander. The OP's condition won't shorten her life at all yet it's the sole reason she had a child in her 20s rather than later. She's made arrangements for others to take on her children if she and her husband both die, but her 40+ year old friends are DEMONS for doing the same.

And, most bizarrely, both her monsterly-old friends decided to have this huge conversation over... text.

Ok hun

YABU, HTH

YABU

Some people do not meet their partners until they are 35/40+
Some people have infertility and after trying for years finally conceive
Some people have miscarriages (like myself)
Some people want them later on

I’m only 27 myself but I have no idea when I will finally have my healthy baby

All of these are 100% valid reasons on why some people have children later

It is probably easy for someone who has met their partner in their teens or 20’s, not had infertility and losses to say “people should have kids earlier” (not saying that’s you OP - I have no idea if you’ve had losses or infertility before) but it really annoys me none the less

YABU for using an inflammatory title & posting this in AIBU if (as you say) it only applies to one specific situation & isn’t a judgement about the age/ health of the parent.

I find your thread offensive. I am 40 and hope to have a family with my DH. We just didn't meet each other until later in life. I would have loved to have 'settled down' and started a family earlier because as it is I'm extremely worried about whether we'll be able to or whether it's too late, but I hadn't met someone to do that with until later. I don't need people like you / society in general shaking their head at me and telling me I should have done it sooner. Should I have just tried to get pregnant by some random when I was younger? Get tae fuck with your title and make your post about your extremely specific set of circumstances instead of tarring everyone with the same brush.

I can't believe what you've posted OP.
I had children when I was 34; chose not to have them earlier even though I'd been with my husband for 10yrs.
We chose to travel and have fun. We chose to have a career and are now financially very secure.
So according to you- im selfish. Even though my children will also be financially secure, have had a good education and are on the road to also being successful but more importantly happy?
If your health condition deteriorated and worse case you pass- can you say you're children will be better off than mine?- just because you had them earlier than me.
So many factors to consider and your post is as other posters have said very hypocritical.
Get your head out of your arse.

I think the irony is lost on the OP.@

Yet more posters arguing with themselves! And supporting the op with their comments about cousins bring older so not close! You couldn't make it up. Op they are just blinded by the rage as they think you said people shouldn't have kids over 40 despite your clear explanations that it's about then pressuring older cousins to be a significant parental figure in their ADULTHOOD. No idea why so many think you would be their guardian when they are almost adults now, again I think blinded by their own situation? 🤣🤣