To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

I actually agree that too many people bury their heads in the sand around having children older. Yes, it is down to chance and sometimes it cannot be helped.

But it also should not be ignored that the risk of certain conditions (such as autism) and complications (pre-eclampsia) all increase as the mother gets older. I am 42 and had my children in my mid 30s. I had complications in my 30s that I probably wouldn't have if I had my children in my 20s. Just because people are having babies later in life does not mean that it comes without a price.

So you don't like single parents either.

How about gay couples as parents? Are they acceptable?

For someone who's so prescriptive about which families are acceptable, it's funny that you are so keen not to be supportive of your own.

You’re not obligated to do anything for these people. You can say no.

I’d do it for my close friends and their kids and a couple of members of our family. Life can change so quickly, even if you have done everything at ‘the right time’ as you see it. It may be your children that need people one day if the worst happened. If these people are otherwise good, other than you not approving of their timing of having children, then try to be a bit less judgemental.

I don’t know where to start with your post- you sound awful! I’m in my early 40’s with an only DD & stage 4 cancer. Thank goodness she doesn’t have relatives like you! You sound very selfish & uncharitable. Offensive & misguided post.

Congrafuckinglations that you met someone in your early 20s that you knew well enough to procreate with and congrats again for having no fertility issues.

I think you’re overcomplicating it OP. It’s fine to say you don’t want to be guardian/quasi God parent/involved “aunty” to your teenage relatives. It’s not fair for people to assume you’ll step into that role, even if I personally think it’s not that big an ask, given they’re already teenagers and it sounds like none of the parents are actually dying so hopefully it’ll be many many years away/they’ll just be young adults you keep in touch with. I think if you don’t want to though you should clearly say it so they can make other plans.

But I think you’ve worded your post and title abysmally.

I think you have a good point. People generally don’t think years into the future when they have babies, but by being an older parent you’re significantly increasing the chances of there being issues when the children are older.

There are some older parents in my family, and their now adult children do struggle with it. They have been at the young children stage in their lives at the same time as their parents have needed elderly care or died, and that was inevitable. It’s sad that their children don’t get to have grandparents that can provide help and support.

But I think you’ve worded your post and title abysmally.

I think she's worded it exactly as she meant it.

Let's hope the kids are worldly enough to know better.

Absolutely I think that’s a very fair comment.

I think my annoyance stems from the fact they left parenthood late simply to enjoy themselves, and now expect me to pick up any potential consequences of that.

If they’d had fertility problems etc I don’t think I would be as annoyed at all. But it seems preventable - they’re also quite stressed by this, hence their messages to me.

And don’t get me wrong, if my sis and BIL (god forbid) got knocked down by a bus I would happily take DNiece and DNephew. We’ve got reciprocal arrangements to care for each other’s kids should this happen. So I don’t think that it’s selfish and uncaring.

I think everyone is misunderstanding the issue, it's not having children in mid-forties, it is this

it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

As long as they can look after their kids until they're 18, the kids don't need family after that.

It seems very unlikely OP will be called on to do anything for kids before they leave school, and it's unnecessary for her to do anything after that. They'll be adults who can make their own lives.

Well I don’t think you are being unreasonable. The older you are, the less time you will have to support your children. That’s undeniable.

Having said that, if I had fertility issues and it took me to my 40’s to have a baby I would have done. Generally, I think having babies is for the young. Modern science has enabled us to chose.

Being honest, I don’t think they’ll want to spend much time with you anyway so I wouldn’t worry too much.

Now you've explained that the thought of texting these kids every now and then, and possibly having to invite them for Christmas, is your actual problem you sound even worse.

They will have their own friends and families you know.

But none of the adults I’m talking about had these problems. The couple had been together 15 years before ttc, the other family member is a lesbian so always knew she would go down the donor route - meeting a man etc wasn’t an issue.

TBH you dont know what might happen in the future, they might be all YOU have. Who knows.

I would love someone to say this to me. Have faith in me as a human to be someone there for their child in the future if I am around also. I would also want there to be someone for my DC- how would you feel if this was your child?

YABVU

We had our one child later in life. It means we've provided for her better as we are more comfortably off than when we were younger and made sure stuff is in place (wills, death in service benefit, planning for Godparents to care for her should neither of us survive). If we'd had her younger we would have been a lot more financially precarious.

Meanwhile I've seen teenage friends lose parents in accidents whilst parents only in 40s or early 50s and parents of toddlers die from cancer - there are no guarantees.

I wouldn't produce a sibling with the idea the kids would be there for each other and share the responsibility of caring for elderly parents. My parents did this and my brother and I rarely see each other or talk!

This has really riled me up! I hate the smugness of telling people to have children earlier.

Should I have had a child with the man I dated briefly in my 20s who turned out hadn't dumped his girlfriend?

Or maybe the right time was when I was in a slightly rocky relationship and living with a friend? I'm sure that friend would have loved to share the house with a newborn, because I couldn't have afforded to live alone.

In my mid-30s I'm financially comfortable, in a brilliant relationship, with my own house, flexible working and great mat leave. Who knows, by the time I get pregnant I could be a lot closer to 40.

So you'll adopt the closer kids but you won't have the odd family meet up with the others? That's an imposition?

Will these kids even want much from you by the time they're grown? Who relies heavily on aunts, uncles and more distant relatives for emotional support when they're adults? Forget what the parents say, do you really think you'll be "all they have"?

Thank goodness that you are so responsible OP!

But what if both you and your DH were to die? What if your health issues become worse and your DH has to become your carer? There are many what ifs, none of us can fully predict what is in our futures.

I prepared the only way I could by getting life insurance when my DC were younger. That way I knew that if anything happened to me and DH that my DB would have enough money to raise them and also had the option for them to go to boarding school.

Don't do it if you don't want to but do tell them. In their position I would want to stop investing in my relationship with you.

I'm 27, I've recently become single again and I'm childless? Should I just not bother then in your eyes? What if I don't meet someone now until mid thirties to have children with? Your post is fucking cruel as if it's a choice for everyone to pop one out at 25.

What an awful post. My cousin and his wife had children in their 20s. He died from heartfailure at 45 and his wife died 3 years later from cancer at 48. Tjeir children were early to
mid 20s with no parents. From the day my cousin doed and their mum became ill my home, my time, my heart has been open for them. Christmas, Birthdays, Easter they are included like they were my own. I have set them up for university, driving lessons, cv's and speak to them both daily. I have children myself (10,4) and it wouldn't ever occur to me that looking out for the older two is a chore. They are family.

Wow, this thread has really hit a nerve with some people. I do see what you're saying OP. People are more likely to die as they get older and children are taking longer to be independent. I happily left home at 18 and have lived independently ever since but I still have my parents and know that if my world comes crashing down, I have somewhere safe to run back to.

That being said, my sister had her two children in her mid-twenties and we've still had the conversation about what would happen to her children (now 8 and 13) if she and her DH were to die. I think it's a fairly normal consideration when you're a parent. My DH and I don't have children and are both financially comfortable. Her DSIL is a single parent with three children of her own. So it makes sense that they'd come to us and we've agreed to be nominated as guardians should the worst happen.

A 17 year old and a 15 year old - they are nearly adults so won't need legal guardians.

What exactly are you objecting to?

I think this may stem from you feeling envious that you spent your 20s raising young DC and they were "enjoying themselves" and "now expect you to pick up the pieces" - you seem to believe they've selfishly chosen this path hoping someone else will raise their kids for them?

Are you very resentful about how you spent your 20s? Be honest.