To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

Maybe you should think about glass houses and stones before opening your trap.

harsh but fair. Everyone should think about the future when they have a child. EVERYONE. No matter how old or healthy. We weren't young when we had DCs but not as ancient as mid 40s () and we had plans for what would happen if one or both of was incapacitated or died.

I agree op, people have kids because they want them, there doesn't seem to be much thought given to how their choice affects their child. I think having a child late in life is pretty selfish obviously men are the older party but still who wants a 70 year old dad when you're 15?

You've a chronic health condition. By your sense you shouldn't of had children.

Also, the queen is 96 and her son is 72, alternatively, my friends just lost her mum and her mum was in her 40's and had her at 16. Life isn't how you're portraying it OP.

But what’s their decision actually costing you - the parents might imagine that their child needs you to do their birthday presents until they’re 40 or invite them to every Christmas but realistically unless you’re already close to these children and have a good relationship (sounds like not) then they may very well not want you to do this sort of stuff. If they get past uni age they’ll be capable of being completely independent, they’ll have friends or partners or other family - it’ll be a bit sad for them if they don’t have a long relationship with parents as adults or have grandparents for their hypothetical future children but I think it’s unlikely you’ll be seen by the children as some kind of substitute, no matter what the parents think. Just carry on living your life.

It’s a really weird thing to be so worked up about.

I'd have taken a 70 year old dad over the one I did have. Funnily enough, he liked to give himself airs over what a great parent he was.

YABU. My mum had me in her 40s and now at nearly 70 is fighting fit and healthier than me. Due to me developing a sudden disability she sometimes has to care for me and my son. I had my son at 24 and have had these thoughts and worries more than my mum having us at 40. So yabu with your generalisation. You can't predict what could happen to anyone at any age.

Exactly. I would have loved to have had children earlier but I hadn’t met someone I was prepared to make that commitment with and I didn’t want to do it on my own.

And the only time I've sorted out this kind of thing by text message was when the first lockdown was looming and a group of local friends without local family were agreeing who was going to take which child should the parents end up in hospital!

Otherwise, you sit down with your friend or relative, probably several times, and talk through what it means to be made a guardian in someone's will and what would actually happen.

I think using the Queen as a yardstick sort of invalidates your point to be honest..

What age cut-off would be acceptable to you?

Why only 2 children? What if something happens to one - illness, early death, turns out to be feckless or otherwise incapable, or decides to move to the other side of the world. Who will then support the other child?

Should people be allowed to procreate at all given there's no guarantee they'll be able to produce a sibling within your required timeframe.

If you want to say no to your 'friend', say no.

Also, what on earth makes you think that they didn't?

That's a very good point. Sounds plausible.

This is worst case scenario stuff.
They're not going to die to leave you saddled with their kids.
I know of a family where the kids lost both their parents within a year and every in the family got together and it was all discussed. They came up with solutions. Right house, right guardian.

Your relatives are most likely going to live long lives.

Who steps in to help when your chronic health issue flares up? If you say "husband" what if something happens to him?

Why did you get pregnant for a second time with a chronic health condition.

Yanbu assuming every older person has the same plan in the event of death.

This!!! ^

I think YABU!

@Wouldloveanother How? The point was that some people live to 96....so having a child at 45 isn't exactly an issue if you can.

Ooh you're going to hate me!! I'm an only child, pregnant with my first child at 39, and it will potentially be an only child of that's what circumstances dictate!!

There are various reasons I didn't have a child earlier, married at 25, wasn't maternal, then found out husband couldn't have children, he passed away at 40, I was 35, met my now partner at 37, and we've now decided to have a child(children)
Am I wrong for waiting until now to have, them?! Don't judge other people for how they live, if you don't want to be a guardian just tell them that, if they realise you feel like this they probably wouldn't want to leave their child in your selfish hypocritical care anyway!

No, not at all. It’s hard work, but in 3 years or so the hardest bits will be behind me, and I feel good about that. I’m also lucky enough to have an interesting career with lots of opportunity which I have big plans for later on.

It’s more that there’s an expectation that if they end up lone adults, I will invite them to every Christmas, regularly keep in touch, birthdays etc.as well as ‘being there for them’ as their main family member.

I'm in my mid-forties and forgot to have any children at all. My poor DNs, condemned to a future in which they might have to send me a Christmas card and inherit my house. Is it too late to have two or three emergency children now? Oh no, wait...

Who are the legal guardian's for your children ??
Everyone should have legal guardian's for their childr if we both die , my friend will take them in

What ever you think of the adults choice to have children later in life, they happened and it sounds like you want to blame the children for something they had no control over. Hopefully they have been born into a loving family which will allow them to develop the strategies to cope with the loss of their parents and go on to form loving friendships and partnerships. Hopefully this will allow them to spend Christmas with people who don't begrudge their existence and you'll be off the hook.

As an older mother i find your post extremely offensive.

From you post i suspect i am in better physical health than yourself.

Perhaps you should have looked at your own health issues before getting pregnant

Yanbu to not want to look after someone elses kids, if the parents are panicking about what is going to happen in the future, they need to make sure everyone is on board with their plans, not just decide that you are going to be their carer.