To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

So you also have a problem with only children, what would you have done if you had been unable to have a second child?

Agree with this completely.

So they were sensible enough to just have one? Why would a child sibling look after another child sibling?

Ok everyone keeps asking this, so I’ll address is once and not again.

1. My health condition is not life limiting. Just painful and inconvenient.
2. But because of this, I deliberately had DD in my mid 20s and will be 31 when this one hopefully turns up.
3. This is also why I wanted to have 2 children. So hopefully (not guaranteed, but hopefully) they will have each other whenever it is that me and DH are no longer around.

YABU to think people in their 40s shouldn’t have kids. Logically that only works if you say nobody should have kids who’s in a less than perfect parenting set up. Which is 95% of the population, including you.

YANBU however to think you shouldn’t be guilt tripped into taking responsibility for these children. Of course, nobody should be guilt tripped into helping you with your DC either.

And I'm an only child and don't need anyone who is clearly unwilling to 'step into' any kind of role.

I think in general people need to stop thinking about having children, and think about having adults. Because they'll be adults for a lot longer than they're children.

So who will you ask to be your DC’s legal guardians should you get knocked down by a bus @Wouldloveanother surely you have thought of that?? I know most ppl do?? Young people die too!! 🙄

So you object to only children as well?
Well, aren't you a charmer.
Please go no contact with your relatives. They deserve better.

Don’t you have a will, OP?
When I was young, I had guardians in place for my children. Every parent at any age must prepare for even the unlikeliest of events. You should always have support in place for children in case you pop your clogs. And don’t assume your husband will be there!

Do you actually like these people and their child?

DH, obviously.

I’m not particularly concerned about ending up their guardian, as statistically it’s unlikely.

It’s more that there’s an expectation that if they end up lone adults, I will invite them to every Christmas, regularly keep in touch, birthdays etc.as well as ‘being there for them’ as their main family member.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

Just say no to this, so they can make other plans. If you really don’t want to, now is the time to make it clear.

I was 38 when I had my only child, I'm probably the epitome of selfishness. 🤣

But they didn’t have ‘kids’ that’s my point. They had one child. Hence no siblings in later life, and a presumption I will step into this role.

That makes no sense when you are saying you don't have the resources to support one teenager. How would 2 or more teenagers be easier?

DH, obviously.

and if you both die?

I am in absolute awe of anyone who was financially, socially and emotionally ready to have children before the age of 30. I expect a large amount of it comes down to luck…

Maybe they wanted another and couldn't. Maybe they did have fertility issues, and you being a teenager at the time meant they didn't feel obliged or comfortable in discussing that with you.

They've had a health scare and panicked. Have some compassion. Then you can have a chat and find out what they're really hoping for, and you can be clear about your limitations.

You don't sound any better in your update OP. I hope these relatives aren't your nieces or nephews, I'd be devastated if my siblings expressed a similar reluctance to check in on my child for birthdays and other significant life events.

Don't worry OP i can't imagine they'd have any desire to spend their christmases with you as adults. You don't seem like a nice person to be around.

You just keep getting worse.
parents over 40 ✔️
parents with just one child ✔️
single parents ✔️

It’s one couple, both 61, their child is 17.

And a solitary parent (lone mum by choice, donor conception) who is 58 and her son 15.

I have a good relationship with the lady in the couple, not so much with the others. No fallings out, just not close.

One child is on one side of my family, the other on the other.

So who will bear the burden when your pain is affecting you?

And ok, you had kids earlier because of your condition. So why can't people in good health have kids later? You already have a condition that impacts upon you and, therefore, your family. There's no certainty that someone in their 70s will have comparable health issues.

Do you not trust that your kids could make friends? What would you have done if you had been unable to conceive your second?

It's fine not to want to be called upon to assist family (although if they assist you...). But why turn it into an ignorant judge-fest upon everyone who lives differently to you rather than keeping it to your personal circumstances?

Just because this is specific to your individual circumstances doesn’t mean the rest of the world should follow suit. The fact is many people who have kids in their late 30s or beyond are fit and healthy well into old age. In theory could have all of your kids by age 25 and develop a health condition or disability unexpectedly. That’s just the lottery of life.

And the reality is a lot of people can’t always choose to have kids when they’re younger, variables such as financial security or stage of life can really play a role in your readiness/ability to parent.

you sound judgmental, in my view.

Goodness, if anyone in my family ended up being orphaned, I wouldn’t even need to be asked to check in on them and include them in events. Are you hearing yourself? You sound like a selfish nightmare!