To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

Maybe the kids you’re talking about will become highly successful multi millionaires and wouldn’t be seen dead at your house on Christmas Day in future OP.

This would cause a bit of WW3 in my family. Up until fairly recently I would also get texts from my grandparents to have a go at me for ‘not keeping in touch with your cousins enough’ and imploring me to visit them more, again because ‘you might be their only family one day’. It all just feels like emotional blackmail. They also criticised me for ‘not going to see them enough’ (they live a 2 hour drive away, ffs). Even though I made it clear they’re welcome here, they didn’t want to do the same journey for some reason…

There is that, yes!

You must see how hypocritical your post is?! Condemning somebody for having children in case they die and leave you feeling burdened yet you have a chronic health issue and have 1, soon to be 2 children!

Why should she phrase her question along those lines when it's not what she's asking?

She doesn't care about the kids, she's thinking about the possible (unlikely) imposition on her and her disapproval of people who don't live like she does, including single parents and parents of only children. Naturally, there's an excellent reason why it's ok for her to have kids while chronically ill.

I get it OP. It is the expectation that you will do it because they've realised that they are getting older.

Yes parents can die whilst young but it's less likely.

I would be upset to be put in this position based on the parents choices.

You went through the same thing did you?

You’re being pretty silly OP. Most people don’t become sick and feeble in their 50s so they can’t look after their kids. You could also have a child at 21 and learn you have cancer at 22. Ill health can hit anyone at anytime. But people in their 50s and 60s are hardly ‘elderly’. Most would be perfectly able to support a teenager. Illness and health scares in parents are a separate issue that can’t really be planned for, and is not age specific. And no one is asking you to look after a literal child.

Addressed this, look at my posts.

Congrafuckinglations that you met someone in your early 20s that you knew well enough to procreate with and congrats again for having no fertility issues

I was going to say this. Oh that life were so simple.

Your problem is that you have overbearing family. Good news is that they seem about as unbothered in practise by these sacred family ties as you do. A weird combination of feeling family must exist because that's crucial, but in practise not giving much of a crap and finding it an imposition.

The problem is not how other people happen to live in their family setups.

Addressed this; see my previous post.

Honestly Op, I hope you look back on this in 10 years and cringe. I could tell you were quite young when you posted it. You will discover that life rarely pans out how people expect it to, and hopefully age will bring you some empathy and some shades of grey in your black and white thinking. If you dont want to do it- just tell them they made their bed. Lets hope however at some point you wont need your family for anything.

Do you have life insurance OP?

Why on earth are you having another child if you have a chronic health issue?

Yes

Addressed this, see my previous posts

But it wasn’t clear in the title, which said “people” and “babies”, not your friends and their one child.
I had my kids late in life and thought very deeply about the implications of me and DH aging, thanks very much. And my plans never involved asking an already overburdened friend to pick up the pieces if I cark it.

Guilty as charged I guess. This could be about me. I had DD at 47, her dad is useless. If anything were to happen to me and DH it would be down to my stepkids.

Congratulations for being in a position to have kids earlier in life OP. You have no idea how unreasonable and completely offensive you are being.

You have no obligation to take on another person's children. And as an older mum I also find the title of your post offensive.

Find this incredibly offensive. Had my child at 44.

I think your post is very specific and has caused offence, but agree with the basic principal.

On MN we often see threads asserting that of course early 40s is OK to have a baby and then we see threads about menopausal women finding life and work hard, but if you have your babies late, you're likely going to have to work later.

Also 50s is a really risky decade for cancer deaths and whilst it will be a minority, you do significantly increase the risk that your child will lose a parent whilst still in childhood.

As the child of older parents I agree with you OP. Every thread on this topic always goes the same way though. The desire to have children is rarely mitigated by the risks to the child (because ultimately that's the person who will suffer the consequences).

You said in another posting that you had two children in the hope (though you did have the grace to say 'not guaranteed') that they'd be there for each other. So your hope is that, if one of your children ends up on there own, the other will invite them for Christmas, keep an eye on each other when you're gone, share the responsibility of caring for you if your chronic condition causes you problems and your DH has gone?

Do you think that only children sit around alone all the time? They've probably had as many friends as your children have had, if not more. I have two siblings and found it very hard to make friends when I was younger as I could rely on always having a play mate to hand in my sisters. My DS, on the other hand, is constantly hanging around with a group or individual friends - he's an only child. Also, at 17 and 15 years old they'll be getting the first boyfriend/girlfriend very soon (if they haven't already). Just like your two. Within a few years they'll be off to university or out to work and make friends there. Just like your two. They'll eventually get a place to rent or buy with a partner or alone. Just like your two.

One of your two could go off to live abroad, could fall out with their sibling, could have a partner who doesn't like the sibling, may find their sibling extremely irritating but would keep in touch as they are siblings. Being part of a sibling group doesn't guarantee you won't be lonely, nor that you'll be kept an eye on. One of my sister's and I didn't speak for two years mainly because, when our mum became ill, she found every excuse not to help with the care! And there's not much, as parents, that you can do about that if it happens.

These two are almost adults and will be finding their own way in the world soon. They don't need guardianship and, to be honest, I doubt very much they'd want to be heavily involved with you - they'd have friends they've chosen, not relatives that 'have' to be there (like a sibling).

I think, though, that there is one thing you do need to think about. You said your sibling has guardianship if something happens to you and DH and that DH has the kids if you die. What happens if he dies whilst they're young? Because you've already said you can get pain and it's inconvenient. Who helps if he goes? One of the kids? That's something you do need to look at if you haven't already.

But, in answer to your question, you don't have to accept caring for another person's child and neither of these two will need your care within the next three years. They'll be adults.

@Wouldloveanother

I haven’t been through exactly the same thing but I do have very close friends who have had children in their late 30s and 40s. If something happened to my friends or cousins then I would absolutely want their adult children to be a part of my life as they are family and couldn’t imagine begrudging a birthday card.

You said

I think my annoyance stems from the fact they left parenthood late simply to enjoy themselves, and now expect me to pick up any potential consequences of that.

My post was saying that I would never think that about older parents and be resentful that they enjoyed themselves while they were younger. That’s because I don’t regret having my children in my 20s but also respect that not everybody is the same as me and lots of people wouldn’t want to have children at that age (and obviously some are unable to for various reasons).