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AIBU?

Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?

323 replies

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 15:55

Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.

The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.

So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.

I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.

DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.

I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".

Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.

My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!

I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.

It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!

AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?

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upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 15:58

Wow that's so long, sorry 🙈

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Chamomileteaplease · 02/09/2022 16:00

IMO he is being selfish.

Do you think he is punishing you for the kiss? Great revenge - being very negative about this new opportunity for you. Sad if that's true though.

And you were on a break!!

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Ilikewinter · 02/09/2022 16:00

Ooh thats a tricky one, the job and everything sounds like a perfect fit. Can you - on the quiet - ask the manager if your ex still works there?

If he does then I guess it depends if you think your DP wilould get over you working in the same place or will it just add fuel to the fire?

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gamerchick · 02/09/2022 16:02

The universe has opened a door for you. From what you've said you would be mad not to take it up. It's ok for him to twist his face, he's not the one doing all the shit work.

I'd let him wallow in it me. Your mental well being is more important than his insecurities of a random ex. Your ex might not even be there

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Soontobe60 · 02/09/2022 16:03

I’m afraid if I were your DH I’d be equally pissed off. The only way I would be happy at this would be if I knew the ex didn't still work there. Maybe you need to phone your friend and ask!

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MolliciousIntent · 02/09/2022 16:03

...I'd be pretty upset if my husband was super excited about getting to work at a place where an ex, who they'd been with while we were having relationship struggles, worked, tbh. It would make me feel very uncomfortable and on edge and I'd find it hard to get on board with that.

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Sunnyqueen · 02/09/2022 16:04

Hmm I can see both sides. I'd be tempted to go ahead with the application and hope he comes round. But your probably going to have to massage his ego a bit in the mean time. I mean having a break and kissing someone else is one thing. That someone being your ex is another and pretty shady. I think you are quite lucky he took you back so bare that in mind. Also which part was the 'huge row'?

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Oldtiredfedup · 02/09/2022 16:05

I was always on Ross’ side:

You were on a break.

He's selfish

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ilovemyspace · 02/09/2022 16:05

It's probably just reminded him of what happened and brought up a load of insecurity. And if you've been going through a rough patch recently he'll be expecting the worst and imagining all sorts. But sit down with him and explain just like you've explained in your post, to make him understand where you're coming from.
Stay calm and he'll eventually believe that you're not changing jobs to try and get back with your ex !!

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DragonflyNights · 02/09/2022 16:07

I think he’s wrong, you had a break in your relationship and you had an ill-advised kiss which you immediately confessed to. Despite the fact if you were in a break you can kiss whoever you like.

Ot was years ago so I think he’s being a jealous drama queen personally and can’t believe people would get weird about this sort of scenario. Especially since you don’t even know if this man still works there.

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Hugasauras · 02/09/2022 16:07

I think he is being unreasonable. I went back recently to work where an ex does and DH has never even mentioned it! I wouldn't care if he worked with an ex either 🤷‍♀️ It literally wouldn't even be on my radar. But I imagine I'm in the minority on this! I certainly wouldn't lose a great opportunity over it, but DH wouldn't want me to either, especially if it benefited our family.

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Itwasntright · 02/09/2022 16:08

Have you posted two threads about him recently? The nursery situation sounds familiar.

If it is you, it's clear from your other threads that he is incredibly emotionally abusive and you need to make plans to leave.

If it's not who I'm thinking of, then i apologise and no you don't need to be made to feel bad for trying to get a new job.

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upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:08

There's no point asking my ex manager if he's still there - she won't know. It's a MASSIVE organisation (without naming it), with multiple departments, all of which do slightly different roles and are managed differently etc. The department that I would be working in is not the same as that my ex used to work in (and may or may not still do so). Managerially and in terms of department and job role, we'd be entirely separate.

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WaveyHair · 02/09/2022 16:09

Is your ex on LinkedIn? Can you check and see if he is still there?

Your partner needs to look at the bigger picture here and try to get past it.

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Twizbe · 02/09/2022 16:10

First, you weren't together when the kiss happened so he can fuck right off with making you feel guilty for that.

Second, look up the ex on linked in and see if he works there

Third, apply for the role anyway. It's too good not to.

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upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:11

Hugasauras · 02/09/2022 16:07

I think he is being unreasonable. I went back recently to work where an ex does and DH has never even mentioned it! I wouldn't care if he worked with an ex either 🤷‍♀️ It literally wouldn't even be on my radar. But I imagine I'm in the minority on this! I certainly wouldn't lose a great opportunity over it, but DH wouldn't want me to either, especially if it benefited our family.

Exactly. My ex didn't even come into my head at any point this morning when I was making calls etc! It was only when DP sent that text that it clicked. My only focus is and was bettering my own well-being and the family situation. That's why I'm annoyed he's made this all about him and his insecurities, and an issue that we moved on from FOUR years ago that hasn't been mentioned in this house since 🤷‍♀️

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GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 16:12

You were having relationship problems and you kissed your ex.

Now you’re having relationship problems and you’re applying for a job at the same place as your ex.

It may not be rational but it is very understandable.

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beastlyslumber · 02/09/2022 16:12

He's being unreasonable. I can understand it being a concern, but he should have listened to you first. He could have asked if you think the ex colleague will still be working there and let you know that he feels a bit insecure about that.

I suspect that the truth is he isn't happy with the idea of you improving your lot in life, because it makes you less easy to control.

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Tiswa · 02/09/2022 16:13

Itwasntright · 02/09/2022 16:08

Have you posted two threads about him recently? The nursery situation sounds familiar.

If it is you, it's clear from your other threads that he is incredibly emotionally abusive and you need to make plans to leave.

If it's not who I'm thinking of, then i apologise and no you don't need to be made to feel bad for trying to get a new job.

This - if you are the same person then him leaving is the best

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upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:13

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 16:12

You were having relationship problems and you kissed your ex.

Now you’re having relationship problems and you’re applying for a job at the same place as your ex.

It may not be rational but it is very understandable.

Fair enough I can see this point but it's not as if I've chosen where the job adverts are.

I work in a very niche area, a search for suitable jobs within a 20 mile radius of my home returned only 3 searches. I'm not in control of where they might be.

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Hugasauras · 02/09/2022 16:14

If it's a different department in a massive organisation then he's being even more unreasonable!

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AdriannaP · 02/09/2022 16:14

What worries me about your post is the rollercoaster of emotions. You go from being depressed for months to crying with joy about a job that you have not even applied yet!
you really forgot your ex works there?

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upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:16

Hugasauras · 02/09/2022 16:14

If it's a different department in a massive organisation then he's being even more unreasonable!

Yep. IF he did still work there, the chances of our paths crossing is slim given the different job roles and deptartments

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theemmadilemma · 02/09/2022 16:16

Just check LinkedIn and at least figure out if its a moot point or not.

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TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 02/09/2022 16:17

@upsetandstressed Firstly congratulations on taking the initiative to do what you did to try to get out if the situation you're in!! 🌷

However, I am NOT, buying that the name of the company didn't immediately make you think of your EX. & I suggest not trying that one in your partner.

yes it's 4 years ago & you were 'on a break'. But given you felt the need to tell your current partner about kissing your ex immediately, it was either not a clear break or you wanted to make him see what he was missing. Your partner chose to get back with you, despite this, that's not the same as not being hurt by it or being wary of your ex & you doing it again. Things are not great with you two & you decide (in his mind) to apply for a job where (as far as he knows) your Ex works... of all the gin joints in town you pick this one...?!?!

can you ask a friend to do a bit of snooping for you to see if he still works there? Best not to do that yourself.

you should definitely apply for it, it sounds great for you.

talk to your partner over the weekend about the current state of your relationship and if you do still want to be with him & do still live him then reassure him. Try to sort your current problems out & LISTEN to each other. I'd put the toddler in the buggy & go for a long walk, it's easier to talk when you're walking I think.

goid luck with the application & with sorting things out with your partner.

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