Mumsnet Logo
My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?

323 replies

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 15:55

Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.

The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.

So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.

I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.

DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.

I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".

Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.

My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!

I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.

It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!

AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?

OP posts:
Report

thedancingbear · 02/09/2022 16:50

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:47

Wtf, who have I "attacked"??! What gaslighting shit.

"You actually sound like my "D"P. Trying to silence me all the time if my opinion is not fully in agreement with his."

Your post of 16.45, upthread.

Report

rainbowmilk · 02/09/2022 16:51

I’m only commenting based on this thread, not seen any other.

I think you’re being hard on him for not hearing you out on all of the incredible logistics etc. - he’s had some surprising news on his lunch break and is dealing with some feelings about it. You can’t reasonably expect him to just put those on hold right at that moment so you could sell him on the rest. You need to give him some time to process. Unless he’s the type who never listens to you, I think he deserves a bit of time to adjust before he has to be subjected to a full selling pitch.

You’re very excited and happy, and no wonder, because for you your present is crap and this future looks amazing. He’s not there yet and hopefully he’ll get there with some patience.

Definitely apply for the job but don’t start hammering him with it the second he’s home. Give him some time.

Report

SirChenjins · 02/09/2022 16:52

@upsetandstressed don’t be embarrassed - if that is you then I can well understand why you want to move jobs. The situation that the person on the other thread was describing was heartbreaking - her DH/P came across as emotionally abusive and if she has potentially found a way to make her life easier then she should absolutely take it, because her DH/P isn’t going to help or support her. The other post was very hard to read, and I hope that poster finds happiness without that man-shaped millstone round her neck - either that or he pulls his socks up sharpish.

Report

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 16:52

The company has a FAR better reputation for progression etc than the one I'm at currently. I could be earning more than 65k in a couple years time.
So do it.
You'll be able to support yourself & DC no matter what happens with your partner then.

It's so short sighted of him to not see how that would be hugely beneficial to our family.
He doesn't care about what's beneficial to your family.
He likes to shirk his 5 minute job of looking after the baby in the morning, to deliberately make you late for work as he refuses to do the nursery run.
He will not ever countenance being late for his own job, because he thinks he's more important than you & his time & job more valuable.
So he makes you late - deliberately - then leaves on the dot of 7:30, (iirc) forcing you to suck it up & just deal with the nursery run, your longer (than his) commute, & the consequences of your lateness.

He is sabotaging you.
Can you aford to go it alone right now?

Report

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:52

@thedancingbear

Saying you remind me of someone is not attacking you.

OP posts:
Report

MissyB1 · 02/09/2022 16:54

Your thread title asks "have I done anyhting wrong?" Did you actually want an an answer? Look, finding another job isn't wrong no, but insisting that your partner's feelings cannot possibly be vaild or reasonable is wrong! No wonder you two are in trouble! Are you both as stubborn as each other? Learn to communicate without having a strop and getting all high and mighty. Listen to his concerns - not on the phone, face to face and calmly.

Report

CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears · 02/09/2022 16:54

Sigh. OP, ask yourself why you’re posting about the horrible things he pulls under a different screen name every week, and yet it’s so obvious it’s still you that everyone can tell. Are you afraid he’ll find your posts? That’s even worse. You shouldn’t have to be afraid.

But yes, of course I agree with everyone else - in context of your other post, if this is the bloke who sabotages you every morning when you’re already at your breaking point, and now he’s pulling this shite over the idea of you getting a new job. And you’ve explained ad nauseam that there were only three jobs in your field in a 20-mile radius so you don’t get your pick of employers; if I can understand it in two seconds flat, then I’m sure your partner could, too, if he wanted to, but instead he wants to strop about something that happened while YOU WERE ON A BREAK; I don’t even know WHY you told him OR apologized four years ago, tbh, since you were on a break, so you owed him nothing.

With how poorly he treats you, I’m close to saying that you owe him nothing now. Yes, having such a long commute and such exhaustion is bad for your mental health but… maybe another large part of why your mental health is down the loo is because he’s constantly shitting on you???

Report

twoandcooplease · 02/09/2022 16:54

I'd delete the LinkedIn search if your worried he finds your story suspicious or sketchy and snoops through your phone

Report

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 16:55

You've clearly already made your mind up, OP, so I'm not sure why you've started the thread?

Because she has been undermined, sabotaged & gaslit by this controlling man for a long time, & is doubting her own sanity by now.
You weren't to know that @thedancingbear as the background's in another thread.

Report

thedancingbear · 02/09/2022 16:55

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:52

@thedancingbear

Saying you remind me of someone is not attacking you.

Other people can read your posts, you know. You're just coming across as pointlessly argumentative.

In any case, you know what I think. If you want to be told your DP is an arsehole, you've come to the right place. But if the consensus even on Mumsnet is 50/50 then perhaps you should consider that his view may have some validity. But of course, you won't.

Report

SirChenjins · 02/09/2022 16:55

We’ll said@CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears

Report

SirChenjins · 02/09/2022 16:56

Well

Report

Aria2015 · 02/09/2022 16:56

Very tough, I get where your dp is coming from. I'd feel insecure in his shoes. But I also work for a very large organisation and my ex also works for it too. Our paths have never crossed and likely never will, so I get your frustration at being very sure you won't cross paths if you were to work there. Perhaps more reassurance for your dp is needed? Reassurance from a relationship perspective and also reassurance of just how big this organisation is and how unlikely it is that your paths will cross.

Report

SirChenjins · 02/09/2022 16:57

thedancingbear · 02/09/2022 16:55

Other people can read your posts, you know. You're just coming across as pointlessly argumentative.

In any case, you know what I think. If you want to be told your DP is an arsehole, you've come to the right place. But if the consensus even on Mumsnet is 50/50 then perhaps you should consider that his view may have some validity. But of course, you won't.

If it’s the same bloke as on the other thread, his view has fuck all validity, believe me.

Report

thedancingbear · 02/09/2022 16:59

SirChenjins · 02/09/2022 16:57

If it’s the same bloke as on the other thread, his view has fuck all validity, believe me.

The OP has been asked whether it's the same bloke, but has declined to answer, so we can only really go by what she's posted here.

If it is the scumbag posters have been describing, then it is LTB territory. If.

Report

1FootInTheRave · 02/09/2022 17:00

I'd be upset if I were in the position of your dp.

Haven't read any other threads re your background so purely based on this one.

Report

Wearefoooked22 · 02/09/2022 17:00

He probably never forgot about the kiss,that’s why he’s being a twat to you!…go for the job!..be happy.

Report

RobertsRadio · 02/09/2022 17:00

You're the OP who has bee suffering with poor MH and whose DP is the selfish controlling copper. Now you are trying to do something positive to help your MH and your family unit and he is trying to shit all over it. Go for the job and hopefully your stress levels and MH will improve, then you can take another cold hard look at your partner and assess if he is really worth staying with.

Report

Freeme31 · 02/09/2022 17:01

I can see both sides, how would you feel if he went to work with his Ex and same circumstances. Its a difficult one

Report

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 17:02

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:46

I have made other threads recently yes but I'm not prepared to confirm which ones they are. I don't want people piecing together my whole life story. It's embarrassing and it's a total mess. 😔

& you don't have to do that OP, or get cross-examined by PP who aren't observing the nuance.

Now listen up.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about & your life is not a mess.
You are coping treemendously well in the teeth of the gaslighting arsehole that calls himself your DP.
You may feel at the end of your tether right now, but your strength & endurance are stonking.

That feeling you got from talking with Nice Old Boss?
Yeah - that's the feeling you get when you're dealing with reasonable people.
Your P is so unreasonable you feel you are losing your mind.
When you have got rid of him, your mental turmoil will end, & you can put all the energy & grit you have been ploughing into Just Keeping Going into your DC & your career.
You will feel immeasurably relieved & free.

Keep posting Flowers

Report

Frazzledmum123 · 02/09/2022 17:02

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:36

@Frazzledmum123

Equally, he has entirely dismissed my own feelings, has he not? He wouldn't even hear me out. Just ended the call. I feel completely dismissed myself.

Yes, I agree he is and I'm not saying he is completely right and you are completely wrong, but you cannot complain he is dismissing your feelings if you are doing the exact same to him.
I get your stressed but what I am saying is, he is too, only he is stressed his entire family may fall apart?

However, if the others are right and you've posted before and the guy isn't that great anyway then I'd say you have more to lose by not going for it. But only you can decide that

Report

kardomen · 02/09/2022 17:02

It wouldn't bother me one bit if I were your DP.

YOU WERE ON A BREAK!!

I think this is a great opportunity.

Report

iRun2eatCake · 02/09/2022 17:02

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:46

I have made other threads recently yes but I'm not prepared to confirm which ones they are. I don't want people piecing together my whole life story. It's embarrassing and it's a total mess. 😔

Then use this fabulous opportunity at a new happier job to get your life "unmessy".

Your DC needs a mum who is happy... and you deserve to be happy too.

Your DP sounds controlling, abusive and lazy. I suspect you'd feel so much better without his negativity grounding you down ..... but.... splitting isn't an easy decision to make. However you'll know when the time is right.

Make the changes that you can NOW. i.e apply for those 3 roles and look forward to seeing your DC more

Report

SirChenjins · 02/09/2022 17:03

thedancingbear · 02/09/2022 16:59

The OP has been asked whether it's the same bloke, but has declined to answer, so we can only really go by what she's posted here.

If it is the scumbag posters have been describing, then it is LTB territory. If.

I know - which is why I said if. I know we can only base our posts on this thread, but it does sound very much like the same one and therefore I can’t summon any sympathy for the man.

Report

RobertsRadio · 02/09/2022 17:04

Also I was another one who was always Team Ross, You Were On a Break, and you told mr plod, and it was one bloody kiss. So he can do one.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?