AIBU?
Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 15:55
Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.
The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.
So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.
I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.
DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.
I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".
Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.
My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!
I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.
It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!
AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:18
AdriannaP · 02/09/2022 16:14
What worries me about your post is the rollercoaster of emotions. You go from being depressed for months to crying with joy about a job that you have not even applied yet!
you really forgot your ex works there?
I cried with joy because it was the first positive thing to happen to me in months. I suffer with anxiety and depression and my negative thoughts trick me into believing that I'm shit at everything and don't deserve good things.
When I saw advert and heard a familiar friendly voice telling me I'd be ideal and I should go for it, yes I cried afterwards. Because it made a lovely change from telling myself I'm a shit mother/ partner / person and I don't deserve to live.
ClocksGoingBackwards · 02/09/2022 16:20
YABU.
If woman posted on here that her DH was trying to get a job in the same place as his ex who he’d also been with while they were ‘on a break’, she would be told to LTB.
He has valid reason not to like the idea of you working with this person, and it’s not fair for you to criticise him for being concerned. You might have got over it FOUR years ago, but clearly some hurt still remains for him.
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:22
@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination
You can not believe me all you like. I did not think of my ex when saw the advert and made those calls - I thought of my lovely ex manager and how I'd loved working with her. I thought of the lovely nearby nursery where my friend takes her little one, it has an excellent reputation. I thought of halving my commute and not sobbing every morning and evening with sheer exhaustion. I thought of sharing drop offs and pick ups with my partner and not feeling burdened with that every single day.
And like I say, there are 3 suitable jobs in my profession within a 20 mile radius of where I live. This is one of them. I didn't cherry pick the place where my ex who I kissed 4 years ago used to work. It's an insult to suggest I did.
gingerscot · 02/09/2022 16:23
This is the man who keeps letting your baby “have a lie in” knowing it’ll make you late and refuses to be inconvenienced, yes?
If so, apply for the new job. Nothing you do will make him happy, so make yourself happy first. Your baby needs you to be. Look after yourself.
neverbeenskiing · 02/09/2022 16:24
I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!
I can see this from your DP's point of view. A few years ago you went through a rough patch in your relationship, so you had a "break" and you kissed your ex. Now you say you're going through another rough patch, and you're excited to go and work at the same place as the ex you kissed last time. I think many of the posters dismissing your DP's feelings about this would probably feel pretty insecure and worried if they were in his shoes and their DH's/DP's did the same. To you it may be something you "moved past" four years ago, but I imagine this has brought up a lot of past insecurities for him. Instead of being angry with him for being unsupportive perhaps try acknowledging how he feels, and that we all have moments of feeling insecure and then explain why you feel this job would be such a good move for you and for the family as a whole.
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:24
But given you felt the need to tell your current partner about kissing your ex immediately, it was either not a clear break or you wanted to make him see what he was missing.
Or - option 3?
I was wracked with guilt and I love him, so I wanted him to know straight away and to apologise straight away?
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:25
Instead of being angry with him for being unsupportive perhaps try acknowledging how he feels, and that we all have moments of feeling insecure and then explain why you feel this job would be such a good move for you and for the family as a whole.
Yeah I'd have loved to have that conversation but he refused to engage past the name of the place then ended the conversation, so 🤷♀️
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:27
WaveyHair · 02/09/2022 16:25
He won't be on there
Have you checked? Because if he had changed jobs he could well be. It is a 30 sec check which would resolve this easily.
Just checked - as suspected he's not on there. I knew he wouldn't have been.
Bestcatmum · 02/09/2022 16:30
He is prioritising his jealousy over your mental and physical wellbeing.
I'd be asking him if he wants to re-evaluate your relationship with him because right now it isn't working.
A kiss isn't a shag and that's long past.
Apply for the new job and if he doesn't like it, well tough.
neverbeenskiing · 02/09/2022 16:32
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:25
Instead of being angry with him for being unsupportive perhaps try acknowledging how he feels, and that we all have moments of feeling insecure and then explain why you feel this job would be such a good move for you and for the family as a whole.
Yeah I'd have loved to have that conversation but he refused to engage past the name of the place then ended the conversation, so 🤷♀️
I meant once you've both had a chance to calm down a bit. Nothing productive is going to come out of a discussion while you're both feeling emotional.
Frazzledmum123 · 02/09/2022 16:34
Yeah I can see his point too and I'm honestly the least jealous person I know. My dh regularly spends time with female friends and I'm completely fine with it but this would make me feel uncomfortable. It's not the fact he's your ex, or even that you kissed him 4 years ago, its as others have said, the fact your relationship is rocky at the moment. I get this is great for you but you are being very dismissive of his feelings on top. If you want this job you have to make him listen and if he won't, decide what is more important to you - the relationship or the job however unfair that might seem to you
Crunchymum · 02/09/2022 16:34
Oldtiredfedup · 02/09/2022 16:05
I was always on Ross’ side:
You were on a break.
He's selfish
They were on a break for about 12 hours as I recall.
Pretty shitty to go out and shag someone else immediately.
Team Rachel for me.
As for the OP, I do kind of get where her DP is coming from. If the male and female roles in all this were reversed, I bet the advice would be totally different.
saraclara · 02/09/2022 16:35
neverbeenskiing · 02/09/2022 16:24
I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!
I can see this from your DP's point of view. A few years ago you went through a rough patch in your relationship, so you had a "break" and you kissed your ex. Now you say you're going through another rough patch, and you're excited to go and work at the same place as the ex you kissed last time. I think many of the posters dismissing your DP's feelings about this would probably feel pretty insecure and worried if they were in his shoes and their DH's/DP's did the same. To you it may be something you "moved past" four years ago, but I imagine this has brought up a lot of past insecurities for him. Instead of being angry with him for being unsupportive perhaps try acknowledging how he feels, and that we all have moments of feeling insecure and then explain why you feel this job would be such a good move for you and for the family as a whole.
Yep. I can see how he'd be feeling too. I haven't read your other threads, but based just in this one, I'd say that you at least need to empathise with his emotions here. And I'm sure that there's some way that you could find out if your ex still works for the company. Presumably you had mutual colleagues or friends who could tell you.
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:35
It's also the fact that this is such a good opportunity for us all as a family, that's he's just completely failed to even hear me out on.
The company has a FAR better reputation for progression etc than the one I'm at currently. I could be earning more than 65k in a couple years time.
It's so short sighted of him to not see how that would be hugely beneficial to our family.
GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 16:36
ClocksGoingBackwards · 02/09/2022 16:20
YABU.
If woman posted on here that her DH was trying to get a job in the same place as his ex who he’d also been with while they were ‘on a break’, she would be told to LTB.
He has valid reason not to like the idea of you working with this person, and it’s not fair for you to criticise him for being concerned. You might have got over it FOUR years ago, but clearly some hurt still remains for him.
This.
The responses would be that every time you’re having issues he seeks out his ex.
That may not be what you’re doing here, but it looks suss from the outside.
And if you work in a very niche area so much so that opportunities nearby are very limited, then there’s no way you didn’t know there was at least a possibility your ex worked at the company.
WibbleBibble · 02/09/2022 16:36
I wouldnt let him stop you. If things are rocky, and you overlook a job that ticks all your boxes and then you and he split up, you'll be devastated. He'll just have to trust you. You were on a break when you kissed your ex so, even if he wasnt best pleased about it, it wasnt actually any of his business! It sounds like he might be a bit controlling?
WillPowerLite · 02/09/2022 16:36
You clearly have a poor relationship with your dp. You two speak openly and rationally, or air emotions in a healthy way.
I don't know the backstory here, but in isolation your dp is NBU to feel the way he does. YANBU to feel the way you do.
You would need to have a calm conversation about it and see each other's point of view.
You should go for the job, but not without adressing the reason he feels uncomfortable.
thedancingbear · 02/09/2022 16:37
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:35
It's also the fact that this is such a good opportunity for us all as a family, that's he's just completely failed to even hear me out on.
The company has a FAR better reputation for progression etc than the one I'm at currently. I could be earning more than 65k in a couple years time.
It's so short sighted of him to not see how that would be hugely beneficial to our family.
You've clearly already made your mind up, OP, so I'm not sure why you've started the thread?
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