AIBU?
Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 15:55
Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.
The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.
So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.
I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.
DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.
I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".
Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.
My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!
I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.
It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!
AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:38
thedancingbear · 02/09/2022 16:35
I can see your DP's point of view too tbh.
I think you need to put yourself in his shoes, and imagine how you would feel.
I'm struggling with the suggestions to put myself in his shoes when he has not even had the decency to allow me talk about it, to share the details with him, to explain why it's such a good opportunity.
How has he put himself in mine?
Does he care enough to listen about how this might save my mental health? Nope.
Yet I need to empathise with his feelings? 🤔
saraclara · 02/09/2022 16:38
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:24
But given you felt the need to tell your current partner about kissing your ex immediately, it was either not a clear break or you wanted to make him see what he was missing.
Or - option 3?
I was wracked with guilt and I love him, so I wanted him to know straight away and to apologise straight away?
Seriously, why do people do this? This kind of confession out of guilt is so selfish. You hurt him to make you feel better. It makes no sense.
thedancingbear · 02/09/2022 16:40
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:38
I'm struggling with the suggestions to put myself in his shoes when he has not even had the decency to allow me talk about it, to share the details with him, to explain why it's such a good opportunity.
How has he put himself in mine?
Does he care enough to listen about how this might save my mental health? Nope.
Yet I need to empathise with his feelings? 🤔
thedancingbear · 02/09/2022 16:35
I can see your DP's point of view too tbh.
I think you need to put yourself in his shoes, and imagine how you would feel.
Again, if you're just going to argue against anyone who puts an alternative view to yours, there's no point in the thread, is there?
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:40
MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 02/09/2022 16:30
Oh God you lot are missing the point trying to find out if the ex is still there.
OP I remember your other posts. He's an arsehole and you'll be better off when you finally accept that and chuck him. This is just another example.
😓
Herja · 02/09/2022 16:40
If this IS the bloke who gives the baby ins, while having a go at you and regularly leaving you in the shit with work, then he's a proper dickhead anyway and I'd ignore him and go for a better work life balance.
You'll end up a single parent anyway, so better to be one with good working conditions.
SirChenjins · 02/09/2022 16:41
gingerscot · 02/09/2022 16:23
This is the man who keeps letting your baby “have a lie in” knowing it’ll make you late and refuses to be inconvenienced, yes?
If so, apply for the new job. Nothing you do will make him happy, so make yourself happy first. Your baby needs you to be. Look after yourself.
I remember that thread 
OP, was this you? If so, you are not married to a very nice man, and perhaps moving to an organisation where your ex works will bring the relationship to an end and you can move on and be happy.
KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 16:42
AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?
Fuck, no!
He'd rather you continued being stressed, exhausted & overworked than choose a much more convenient job with better prospects. Just in case someone who you kissed WHEN YOU & DP WERE NOT AN ITEM still works there.
Maybe he's also selfish enough to also want to put the kaibosh on it due to the risk of him being asked to step up to 50% of the pick up/collections.
You need to tell him to grow the fuck up, & that you will be making your career choices without reference to him as you need neother his permission or his performative grief.
BadNomad · 02/09/2022 16:42
Yeah, you can't tell anyone else how to feel or when they should get over something you have done to them. Clearly, he hasn't truly gotten past the kiss with the ex. It being 4 years ago doesn't matter. For most people, a "break" means a break from the current relationship, it doesn't mean freedom to go starting something with someone else. That's what you do when the relationship ends.
But it does sound like maybe this relationship needs to end. It was so bad 4 years ago that you needed to take a break, then you had a baby and things have been strained ever since. It doesn't sound good.
Runwalkskijump · 02/09/2022 16:43
GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 16:12
You were having relationship problems and you kissed your ex.
Now you’re having relationship problems and you’re applying for a job at the same place as your ex.
It may not be rational but it is very understandable.
Completely this.
Nanny0gg · 02/09/2022 16:45
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:39
@saraclara
What are you on about?! So I should have just kept it a secret forevermore?? How is that better??! Ffs literally can't win.
I actually think, if the confession is going to cause hurt and it was a genuine one-off, people should keep quiet. Confessing might make them feel better at the expense of the other person.
However, what's done is done. All you can do is apply for the job and if you get it do your best to reassure your current partner that your ex is long gone from your life and to give this a chance to be a new start for your family
KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 16:46
gingerscot · 02/09/2022 16:23
This is the man who keeps letting your baby “have a lie in” knowing it’ll make you late and refuses to be inconvenienced, yes?
If so, apply for the new job. Nothing you do will make him happy, so make yourself happy first. Your baby needs you to be. Look after yourself.
Oh jeeze I remember that thread.
OP - take the job, & LTB.
He is undermining you as usual, with his usual shit.
thedancingbear · 02/09/2022 16:47
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:45
@thedancingbear
I'm not "arguing" I'm putting across my own valid feelings! You actually sound like my "D"P. Trying to silence me all the time if my opinion is not fully in agreement with his.
I'm not trying to silence you, just disagreeing with you.
But you seem only to be interested in listening to views that chime with your own. And attacking people who post in good faith saying they can see your partner's side of things.
I'll leave you to it.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/09/2022 16:50
He's made this all about him and his insecurities, and an issue that we moved on from FOUR years ago that hasn't been mentioned in this house since
As usual I can see this from both sides - though you've come on the right site if you wanted to be told he's the one in the wrong - but clearly this is still bugging him and I'd say some proper talking's needed, including what "being on a break" meant to him as opposed to you
Always remember it's not so much about one of you winning or losing, but you both being heard properly; because if that doesn't happen you may both lose
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