AIBU?
Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 15:55
Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.
The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.
So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.
I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.
DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.
I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".
Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.
My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!
I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.
It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!
AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?
KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 13:34
I know she can't time travel! It was just a comment, in light of how abusive and useless her partner is. That's all. You sound highly strung and taking my comment far too seriously. Calm down.
PP are taking it seriously because OP's situation is serious.
Daft & borderline victim-blaming remarks don't get negated by backpedalling that it was "just a comment". Why bother making it, if it's "just" a throwaway remark?
Wow, you truly are very highly strung and unreasonable, twisting a harmless comment like that. I would suggest you calm down and get help, your replies to me are way out of line. Way out of line.
PP aren't highly strung for having a different opinion from you, & expressing that yours was unhelpful. Pass-agg replies like "get help" are what's out of line here.
Anyway - back to where the focus should be, on OP - it's good that you are finding your anger. His double standards are horrible, & he is actively & deliberately creating regular stress for you. If he raises your ex again, tell him to grow the fuck up - if he didn't want you kissing anyone else, maybe he could have thought about that before so cruelly dumping you.
Apart from hat - he is no more than a chess piece to be removed from your board now, remember?
www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/
KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 13:36
I’ve not read all the thread, just all your posts OP, and from everything you’ve said you really don’t seem to like him at all.
& if you did RTFT @Felixfriend - particularly PP posts referencing his behaviour from previous threads - you'd realise that OP doesn't like him because he is a very unlikable man.
Felixfriend · 03/09/2022 13:42
KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 13:36
I’ve not read all the thread, just all your posts OP, and from everything you’ve said you really don’t seem to like him at all.
& if you did RTFT @Felixfriend - particularly PP posts referencing his behaviour from previous threads - you'd realise that OP doesn't like him because he is a very unlikable man.
@KettrickenSmiled Okay, well in that case I think my advice to reconsider the relationship is all the more appropriate?
fUNNYfACE36 · 03/09/2022 14:09
Bestcatmum · 02/09/2022 16:30
He is prioritising his jealousy over your mental and physical wellbeing.
I'd be asking him if he wants to re-evaluate your relationship with him because right now it isn't working.
A kiss isn't a shag and that's long past.
Apply for the new job and if he doesn't like it, well tough.
It's swapping her unhappiness. Worry and stress and putting it on her husband instead
SirChenjins · 03/09/2022 14:12
fUNNYfACE36 · 03/09/2022 14:09
It's swapping her unhappiness. Worry and stress and putting it on her husband instead
Bestcatmum · 02/09/2022 16:30
He is prioritising his jealousy over your mental and physical wellbeing.
I'd be asking him if he wants to re-evaluate your relationship with him because right now it isn't working.
A kiss isn't a shag and that's long past.
Apply for the new job and if he doesn't like it, well tough.
He’ll survive - time he grew up anyway. Hopefully the OP will get the job and tell him to get lost though. He deserves it.
FlissyPaps · 03/09/2022 14:31
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CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 15:27
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Yes, it was a completely harmless comment. Your posts are what is actually gaslighting and abusive.
upsetandstressed · 03/09/2022 17:24
I’ve not read all the thread, just all your posts OP, and from everything you’ve said you really don’t seem to like him at all.
The ‘big important man job’ stuff sounds very resentful and bitter.
I am resentful and bitter, rightly so.
He leaves for work on time every day, regardless of the situation with our shared child. He actually states "right I need to leave now, or I'll be late". He gives zero fucks that I will also be late, and I'm left sorting our child alone, then driving 4 times his commute distance, including dropping her off at nursery. And I'm also responsible for picking her up. It doesn't matter to him that I could also be late. So yeah, he does think he has a Big Important Man Job whilst I'm just a woman with a job that I can be late to because I'm the default childcare, and default nursery drop off person, every single day. So it's apparently my job alone to deal with that, no matter how late it makes me.
He's even fucked off today, having organised and paid a considerable amount of money for this day out, without even discussing with me in advance. Because I'm a woman, right? My job to pick up the slack at home. Must know my place and all that.
He's fucking selfish. So yeah, I'm resentful and bitter. Too right I am.
StressedOutMumBex · 03/09/2022 18:06
upsetandstressed · 03/09/2022 17:24
I’ve not read all the thread, just all your posts OP, and from everything you’ve said you really don’t seem to like him at all.
The ‘big important man job’ stuff sounds very resentful and bitter.
I am resentful and bitter, rightly so.
He leaves for work on time every day, regardless of the situation with our shared child. He actually states "right I need to leave now, or I'll be late". He gives zero fucks that I will also be late, and I'm left sorting our child alone, then driving 4 times his commute distance, including dropping her off at nursery. And I'm also responsible for picking her up. It doesn't matter to him that I could also be late. So yeah, he does think he has a Big Important Man Job whilst I'm just a woman with a job that I can be late to because I'm the default childcare, and default nursery drop off person, every single day. So it's apparently my job alone to deal with that, no matter how late it makes me.
He's even fucked off today, having organised and paid a considerable amount of money for this day out, without even discussing with me in advance. Because I'm a woman, right? My job to pick up the slack at home. Must know my place and all that.
He's fucking selfish. So yeah, I'm resentful and bitter. Too right I am.
Dear OP, he really doesn't seem to be contributing very much to your relationship overall and all this resentment and bitterness you feel will not go away. He isn't suddenly going to wake up and realise that he is a selfish dick, he clearly does not see it. have you told him how you feel about the current situation ? I really think that you need to make your feelings clear to this man so he understands exactly where you are coming from and how you feel about things. If he can't or won't see your perspective then you really should think about leaving him, OP you really dont want to spend the rest of your life in a one sided relationship feeling completely unsupported by your partner. This man either does not understand what a toll this situation is taking on you, or worse - he really doesn't care anyway. Have you stopped to ask yourself what it is he is actually bringing to the table in this relationship ? I hope that take the new job if offered, which seems easier on you given the childcare arrangements etc and maybe it will help to give you the courage to get out of this relationship altogether. I wish you luck OP whatever you decide to do.
Nanny0gg · 03/09/2022 18:40
YellowTreeHouse · 03/09/2022 10:09
Yes YABU and selfish. You should have spoken to him before you rang them, to test the waters considering your poor past behaviour, but you didn’t.
Instead you decided to bombard him with this while he’s at work (lunch break irrelevant - he’s still at work in work mode, it’s not the time to talk about big life changing events).
However judging by your rudely defensive replies here you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and are going to use your depression as a get out of jail free card.
I always find it fascinating when one poster goes in the polar opposite direction to most others.
Obviously they're entitled to their views, I just wonder how they arrived at them sometimes
NaturalBae · 04/09/2022 11:07
upsetandstressed · 03/09/2022 17:24
I’ve not read all the thread, just all your posts OP, and from everything you’ve said you really don’t seem to like him at all.
The ‘big important man job’ stuff sounds very resentful and bitter.
I am resentful and bitter, rightly so.
He leaves for work on time every day, regardless of the situation with our shared child. He actually states "right I need to leave now, or I'll be late". He gives zero fucks that I will also be late, and I'm left sorting our child alone, then driving 4 times his commute distance, including dropping her off at nursery. And I'm also responsible for picking her up. It doesn't matter to him that I could also be late. So yeah, he does think he has a Big Important Man Job whilst I'm just a woman with a job that I can be late to because I'm the default childcare, and default nursery drop off person, every single day. So it's apparently my job alone to deal with that, no matter how late it makes me.
He's even fucked off today, having organised and paid a considerable amount of money for this day out, without even discussing with me in advance. Because I'm a woman, right? My job to pick up the slack at home. Must know my place and all that.
He's fucking selfish. So yeah, I'm resentful and bitter. Too right I am.
OP - I’m glad to see that you’re using the term ‘shared child’.
Keep asking yourself this question - What’s the point of him?
That’ll help you to remain focused on binning him and moving on happily with your life.
I previously didn’t address you kissing your ex four years ago whilst you were on a relationship break (as you were single due to your current partner dumping you on the anniversary of your Mum’s death), as I momentarily forgot about it when penning my first response - I.e. In the scheme of things and everything else you are having to deal with, it is down the priority list as there are more important issues that you need to be focused on.
Well done for making some physical and emotional head space within your relationship by making the decision to stay with your family for a bit. Please talk to them about your situation.
Wishing you all the best with your job interview/s.
Ignore the small minority of PP who clearly do not know what they are talking about, including people who advise you not to change jobs prior to a recession forecast. IMO, the alternative to doing nothing and staying in a situation that is making you so unhappy is just as bad or even worse.
NaturalBae · 04/09/2022 11:25
Also, a kiss is not the same as having full blown sexual intercourse. And you were single at the time as per his request, so he should’ve sucked that up by now four years on.
I understand how just a kiss with someone outside a relationship can cause trust issues and lead to a break up. But, again - you were single because he had cruelly dumped you on the worst possible day that he could have chosen to do it.
Play that chess game! You’ve got enough tools in your amour to win and come out tops and happy.
And most important of all, as a woman, married or not married - never ever give up your financial independence. Ensure you always have options x
Oldtiredfedup · 04/09/2022 15:36
upsetandstressed · 03/09/2022 17:24
I’ve not read all the thread, just all your posts OP, and from everything you’ve said you really don’t seem to like him at all.
The ‘big important man job’ stuff sounds very resentful and bitter.
I am resentful and bitter, rightly so.
He leaves for work on time every day, regardless of the situation with our shared child. He actually states "right I need to leave now, or I'll be late". He gives zero fucks that I will also be late, and I'm left sorting our child alone, then driving 4 times his commute distance, including dropping her off at nursery. And I'm also responsible for picking her up. It doesn't matter to him that I could also be late. So yeah, he does think he has a Big Important Man Job whilst I'm just a woman with a job that I can be late to because I'm the default childcare, and default nursery drop off person, every single day. So it's apparently my job alone to deal with that, no matter how late it makes me.
He's even fucked off today, having organised and paid a considerable amount of money for this day out, without even discussing with me in advance. Because I'm a woman, right? My job to pick up the slack at home. Must know my place and all that.
He's fucking selfish. So yeah, I'm resentful and bitter. Too right I am.
Too damned right you’re bitter and resentful.
we’re told from snd early age to put of with this bollocks.
and it is bollocks.
HaroldDemure · 04/09/2022 16:19
Hi OP. Read a more about your situation and can see things far more from your perspective.
Firstly, sorry for all the crap you are getting in your marriage/life. He does need to do a lot of work on himself and I can understand all your frustrations.
Putting aside the job for the moment, what is it you want from your future, ideally how do you see your life in, say, 5 years time?
Coming back to the job, I really think you need to go for it. Ignore his actions and focus on all the advantages this change will give you.
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