AIBU?
Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?
upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 15:55
Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.
The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.
So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.
I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.
DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.
I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".
Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.
My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!
I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.
It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!
AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?
CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 10:30
The more you post about him the more selfish he sounds. LTB. He certainly doesn't seem to put your or your DCs feelings first, so why should you put him first? He wants to come and go as he wants, with no consideration for his family responsibility and live like a bachelor with no commitment, then let him, LTB.
upsetandstressed · 03/09/2022 10:35
It's funny too, isn't it, how I'm expected according to some posters to ask permission before I pick up the phone and chat to a previous colleague about a job opportunity that can potentially improve the entire family's prospects significantly.
Yet he doesn't have to ask permission to book and pay £300 out of our joint finances for a day out today, leaving me as default childcare (again). He can crack right on with that, can't he. I should know my place and just get on with being the mummy at home, god forbid I question his Big Important Expensive Plans.
Oldtiredfedup · 03/09/2022 10:39
KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 10:22
ODFOD
The only past poor behaviour is from Mr Plod, who dumped OP 4 years ago on the anniversary of her mother's death. Then weaponsied a solitary kiss she had, with an ex, while single, so he could use it to beat her up with. Who sabotages her current job by refusing to do any child care in the morning, & deliberately makes her late.
He is already undermining her current job - he doesn't want her getting a better one, or being less stressed. He enjoys seeing her stressed & overwhelmed. He actively disrupts her morning routine to leave her feeling helpless, late & on the back foot - then swans off at 7:10am on the dot for his own job - because HE must not be late, or affected by child care.
Try RTFT before demonstrating your lack of comprehension & hoiking your judgey pants, @YellowTreeHouse. If you need a man's permission before talking to your old boss about a job opportunity, that's your own cross to bear. Don't impose it on anyone else, you absolute melt.
YellowTreeHouse · 03/09/2022 10:09
Yes YABU and selfish. You should have spoken to him before you rang them, to test the waters considering your poor past behaviour, but you didn’t.
Instead you decided to bombard him with this while he’s at work (lunch break irrelevant - he’s still at work in work mode, it’s not the time to talk about big life changing events).
However judging by your rudely defensive replies here you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and are going to use your depression as a get out of jail free card.
This with bells on
OP - I tried to search your previous threads to get a better picture but couldn’t find
I still stand by ‘you were on a break’ but after reading this ‘break’ happening with him LEAVING you distraught on a significant and upsetting anniversary and him utterly cold shouldering you….well, the break should have been permanent.
please leavd this utter bastard of a man
YellowTreeHouse · 03/09/2022 10:49
Oh honey. Rather than tie yourself in knots over strangers on the internet, sort out your own life.
You're clearly miserable with him. So stop whinging and moaning - do something about it! Leave him.
If you’re not going to leave them then you’re just going to spend every day stressed and resentful and blaming him for your issues while refusing to do anything about it (leaving him, if he’s the cause of them).
upsetandstressed · 03/09/2022 10:50
@AhNowTed
Yep, he's gone out for the day blowing £300 of our money. Meanwhile I'm at home having just found out that our energy bill next month is going to be close to £500 pm. We are going to struggle. I messaged him saying I'm worried, he replies yeah me too. Whilst simultaneously blowing a shit load of money we could have saved towards it. I've found some anger today, I really have.
Oldtiredfedup · 03/09/2022 10:55
Take that anger and do something positive for you and your children with it.
Anger is useful - Chanel it. And not into reacting in a way that will give him more ammo to manipulate you with - because that’s’ defat he’s doing: pushing you to react.
he needs to become nothing more than a chess piece that needs to be eliminated from the board. He’s slowly eroded you to nothing. Look at how he doesn't help and leaves you with everything to do and then you are blaming yourself for your low mood and exhaustion
Bearthepooh · 03/09/2022 11:11
I can't see how anyone can say being selfish. I I'm in a similar position with work/childcare/being the default parent and it's draining.
At the end the day if you stay how you are, you will your relationship will break down so you might as well better yourself and risk it breaking down anyway. Iv
SirChenjins · 03/09/2022 11:13
Good - hold onto that anger and use it to move forward positively. You only have one life, don’t waste it on him - you earn enough of your own money, you are resourceful and you are strong enough to live your own life. Can you imagine how peaceful and liberating it will be not having to worry about his reaction to things and not having that permanent knot in your stomach? Setting your own timetable, spending your own money, doing your own budget, not having him let you down time and time again? Your MH will improve now end - you will be able to breathe again.
FlissyPaps · 03/09/2022 12:53
CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 11:13
It definitely sounds like when you kissed your ex, you should have stayed with your ex.
What an utter brain dead comment.
OP can’t time travel! She’s currently in an abusive and controlling relationship with a young DD and her mental health is in tatters.
What do you think your comment is going to achieve here?
CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 12:55
FlissyPaps · 03/09/2022 12:53
What an utter brain dead comment.
OP can’t time travel! She’s currently in an abusive and controlling relationship with a young DD and her mental health is in tatters.
What do you think your comment is going to achieve here?
CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 11:13
It definitely sounds like when you kissed your ex, you should have stayed with your ex.
I know she can't time travel! It was just a comment, in light of how abusive and useless her partner is. That's all. You sound highly strung and taking my comment far too seriously. Calm down.
FlissyPaps · 03/09/2022 13:01
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CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 13:11
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Felixfriend · 03/09/2022 13:22
I’ve not read all the thread, just all your posts OP, and from everything you’ve said you really don’t seem to like him at all.
The ‘big important man job’ stuff sounds very resentful and bitter. I’ve no idea how justified it is, but it makes no difference really, if you dislike him so much maybe it’s time to split up? If he can tell you feel this way towards him probably that’s why he’s paranoid about your ex. So maybe the problem isn’t the job or the ex, it’s your relationship?
Blowthemandown · 03/09/2022 13:24
@upsetandstressed please apply for the job. And if you get it, take it. Regardless of what he thinks. Your ex probably isn’t even there and besides, you were on a break instigated by DP. Sort yourself out as then it may help you sort the rest out! Good luck!
KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 13:26
CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 11:13
It definitely sounds like when you kissed your ex, you should have stayed with your ex.
Oh for crying out loud.
Women are not obliged to enter permanent relationships with men they happen to kiss once, while they are single.
OP isn't obliged to stay with her current partner either.
But leaving an abusive relationship isn't as easy as PP make out.
he needs to become nothing more than a chess piece that needs to be eliminated from the board.
And OP getting this job, or one of the other 2 jobs within her radius, will be a tremendous help with her chess game.
Oldtiredfedup · 03/09/2022 13:29
KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 13:26
Oh for crying out loud.
Women are not obliged to enter permanent relationships with men they happen to kiss once, while they are single.
OP isn't obliged to stay with her current partner either.
But leaving an abusive relationship isn't as easy as PP make out.
he needs to become nothing more than a chess piece that needs to be eliminated from the board.
And OP getting this job, or one of the other 2 jobs within her radius, will be a tremendous help with her chess game.
CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 11:13
It definitely sounds like when you kissed your ex, you should have stayed with your ex.
Having endured 2 emotionally abusive and controlling relationships, and it having an affect that will affect me and my children for a very long time, I’m well aware exactly how difficult it is to leave.
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