Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?

[upsetandstressed]

Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.

The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.

So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.

I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.

DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.

I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".

Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.

My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!

I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.

It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!

AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?

[KettrickenSmiled]

@TabithaTittlemouse
You did do something wrong. You kissed an ex.
She did nothing wrong. They were not together at the time & OP was a free agent.

If your ex still works there it is probably unwise to seek a job there, given your DH's opinion
This is amazing advice that all women should look to follow @Redburnett. None of us should take any employment without the express permission of Our Man.
and your behaviour in the past.
What "behaviour"? OP was single, & had one kiss with an ex. So what?

TBH saying you had forgotten he worked there is not credible.
How so?
Do you keep tabs on where anyone you ever kissed or went out with are working, years down the line? Especially as they were in a huge organisation & very different departments.

[AchatAVendre]

Who initiated the break previously in your relationship?

This sounds like a massive workplace, and I don't think it makes very good career sense to avoid good employers just because your ex boyfriend might be working there and your current partner is upset.

Why on earth would you allow this man to dictate that you remain stressed, overworked and underpaid just because it suits him? I bet he wouldn't show you the same loyalty if he got a similar opportunity.

He is being very controlling here. What is everyone meant to do under his silly "rules"? Resign and find a new job every time an ex joins their company?

[Minimalme]

I'm not convinced it's your current job making you unhappy op, given the state of your relationship.


Start the new job and work towards more security for yourself and dc. You are in a relationship which is volatile without the security of marriage.

At some point, it is likely to blow up in your face.

[CantFindTheBeat]

@GhostFromTheOtherSide

You were having relationship problems and you kissed your ex.

Now you’re having relationship problems and you’re applying for a job at the same place as your ex.

It may not be rational but it is very understandable.

This.

Can't believe you can't see that, OP.

Imagine situations were reversed.

[Sheffieldissunny]

@ilovemyspace

It's probably just reminded him of what happened and brought up a load of insecurity. And if you've been going through a rough patch recently he'll be expecting the worst and imagining all sorts. But sit down with him and explain just like you've explained in your post, to make him understand where you're coming from.
Stay calm and he'll eventually believe that you're not changing jobs to try and get back with your ex !!

This.

[upsetandstressed]

Who initiated the break previously in your relationship?

He did

[Macmoominmamma]

Could it be knee jerk reaction by him? He doesn’t like that your ex might be nearby even if he has seemingly gotten over it but can still move past it once has had some time to think it through??

[KettrickenSmiled]

@upsetandstressed

Who initiated the break previously in your relationship?

He did

& I bet he presented himself as blameless.

While noting your innocent kiss, as a single woman, so he can weaponise it against you like he weaponises refusing the nursery run, & sabotaging your commute.

[upsetandstressed]

He actually chose the anniversary of my mother's death as the day to walk out, too. I remember it clear as day. My heart was in pieces, I was devastated. Hence seeking comfort from an ex. Yes, this was wrong. But he was so cold towards me at the time and I was distraught. It was wrong and it was a mistake. I just don't see why it should be held over me forevermore? He's either happy to move on after we discussed it (which he was and it hasn't been mentioned since), or he's not. He can't keep it over me like this, it's not fair

[HaroldDemure]

I have not read your other threads and comment based only on this thread.

It is obvious that the job is right for you and, in normal circumstances, right for your family. However, the fact that your husband immediately recognised this is where your ex worked clearly shows that he is still not over the hurt of your liaison with this man and his fear that, should you work in the same organisation, you may reignite your relationship. I know you currently say that would not happen but forums are full of cases where old flames were reignited. He will also fear that, although you may not work directly with him, there is nothing to stop him searching you out whilst at work. Not going into to the wrongs or rights of this, just stating that this is how I think it is. So, where does it go from here? What happens if you take this job and are late leaving for some reason, want to go out for after work drinks, socialise with colleagues etc without him? How do you think he will cope with this? How long before he demands to see your phone , e mails etc and how long before this leads to divorce? I don't think it is right but that it is not going to work with you just telling him everything is going to be okay, there will be no contact etc.

If you want this job, I think you need to focus on your desired outcome and look at what is it that you can do to help address and alleviate his fears? I know that this is not fair but such is life and, if you want to achieve what you want, then it is surely worth the effort.

A starting point may be looking at how you approached finding this job in the first place. I fully understand your excitement but, from my reading of your post, the first your husband seems to have heard of this is when you, in effect, present him with a fait a complis. A more measured approach might have been to have sounded him out at an early stage and I think you would be feeling resentful if he did the same to you.

His reaction is totally wrong but, from my reading of this, is understandable. I think he will also be feeling bad for reacting like this but his fear will not let him acknowledge that to you. You may find that, by acknowledging your handling of this was not ideal (because actually, I don't think it was and I would say the same to your husband if he did the same) will get him to open up about his feelings and improve your communication.

I really think you need to take this job as it is ideal for you all and not taking it will only lead, at best, to real, destructive resentment on your part within your marriage. However, you both need to calm down, lose the anger on both sides and talk to each other about how you make this work. As I said above, I am afraid I think you are going to have to do all the heavy lifting but, if it gets what you both want, what the hell?

Good luck to you both but, please stay away from the haters and the inflamers. They are not your friends.

[economicervix]

You (plural) can’t make your kid keep living in such a dreadful environment, either dump the boyfriend or stop the arguments. The latest fight is a red herring, just another in the long list of fights you have both had.

[FictionalCharacter]

Go for the brilliant new job
If you get it: Enjoy being happier
Build your confidence
Save money from your new higher salary
Leave nasty partner
Enjoy a new life with better mental health and nobody making you miserable.

[upsetandstressed]

& I bet he presented himself as blameless.

Yes he does this all the time. He's never to blame.

[EveningOverRooftops]

@upsetandstressed

He actually chose the anniversary of my mother's death as the day to walk out, too. I remember it clear as day. My heart was in pieces, I was devastated. Hence seeking comfort from an ex. Yes, this was wrong. But he was so cold towards me at the time and I was distraught. It was wrong and it was a mistake. I just don't see why it should be held over me forevermore? He's either happy to move on after we discussed it (which he was and it hasn't been mentioned since), or he's not. He can't keep it over me like this, it's not fair

With this update I’m starting to think your unhappiness and depression isn’t just about your exhausting commute and shitty workplace and you probably have a DH problem too maybe not obvious but the fact he still holds this over you now is worrisome.

apply for the job OP, you can turn it down later but you must apply to keep your options open.
tell your DH this is for the benefit of the entire family including him and if he doesn’t want you to do that job then he needs to step up and do nursery pick ups and drop offs so you can apply for a different job with a much shorter commute.

[JackieCollinshasnoauthority]

If we're doing friends - once a cheater always a cheater.

If we're talking about real life - he's either forgiven you or not. He can't block an opportunity for you just because your ex might still work there.

[Viviennemary]

Under the circumstances I can see why your partner is not pleased about this.

[upsetandstressed]

@HaroldDemure

It wasn't possible to tell him at an earlier stage as I only saw the job this morning as I was browsing whilst DD napped, and DP was at work. I wanted to seize the opportunity to have a conversation with my previous manager about it as it's Friday so too late by tomorrow etc to call them. I can't contact DP at work for a chat - his type of work doesn't allow that. I can only contact in an emergency on a specific number. Or wait for him to call me.

[saltinesandcoffeecups]

Did I miss the big row part ?

Anyway…. What do you gain by soliciting feedback here OP, surely only you can decide if you are happy and want to stay with your DH. It doesn’t matter if randos on the internet agree that you should pursue this job or not.

if you are the ‘have a lie in- leave the door at 7:10’ poster. You really need to stop looking at things in isolation. Either you decide to stay married and work through your issues or you decide to end your marriage and move on with your life.

Coming here to get justification on every argument does what exactly for you? You’re still in the same place with your husband.

• Just noticed you refer to him as partner… replace husband/DH with partner above. It really doesn’t change anything.

[TooHotToTangoToo]

What's more important, your mental health and your childrens welfare, or you dh ego? I say apply for the job

[Xpologog]

@upsetandstressed

It's also the fact that this is such a good opportunity for us all as a family, that's he's just completely failed to even hear me out on.

The company has a FAR better reputation for progression etc than the one I'm at currently. I could be earning more than 65k in a couple years time.

It's so short sighted of him to not see how that would be hugely beneficial to our family.

Go for the job.
If he chooses not to be happy for you then you’re better off without him and it’s a good salary to live on with your dc.
I think you husband is being ridiculous.

[FlissyPaps]

Him bringing up “the kiss” is a control tactic OP. He is trying to control you, guilt trip you and have a hold on you.

You did NOTHING wrong. Please do not listen to the posters saying “Imagine it was the other way around”. It was 4 years ago, he finished you AND you have had a child since then. If anyone can be annoyed and angry about a kiss back then is one insecure and manipulative person.

Go for the job! Apply! Keep in touch with your old manager, get all the support you can. Please. You have NOTHING to lose. Keep the ball rolling and moving. You need this. You need a change.

I’d urge for you to speak in confidence to someone you trust about your home situation. Your DP doesn’t respect you. He’s abusive. (I’m certain you’re other thread is the one I’m thinking of and honestly he is a nasty bully). If you feel you have no one to talk to please contact WomensAid. They will listen to you.

❤

[HaroldDemure]

Wanted to make a few more points but my post was getting very long.

Are there any alternatives to you getting out of your current employment hell? How would your husband react if you said you couldn't go on like this anymore and, if you couldn't take this new job, you would have to stop working for your own sanity and health.

A good relationship is not about gaining permission, it is about treating each other with respect and coming to a mutually agreeable decision. I understand that, without reading your other posts, this may require a shift in attitude from your husband and he will need to work on that.

Does it really matter if you were on a break or if it was, say, an ex before you met, the insecurities would still be the same.

How would you have reacted if you switched places with your husband and he presented you with this scenario where a woman he was with worked at the new company?

[upsetandstressed]

Anyway…. What do you gain by soliciting feedback here OP,

People to talk to when I feel completely isolated.

A reality check when I feel I'm losing my mind.

Those things mainly

[NGKfiver]

I have noticed your other threads over the past few days (I’m sure you’re the same poster). Apply for the job, get help and support to leave him and/or understand what this relationship is doing to you.

good luck.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Is it exhauation from work etc that is making you cry or is it the thought that after a full day, you have to start all over again appeasing a selfish bastard who doesnt give two shits about you but expects you to dance to his needs all the time?

My depression magically lifted when I got rid of my ex who was the same. And as for leaving you on the day your mother died, that is heinous but sadly doesnt surprise me. A certain type of person will happily stay around when their needs are being met but skip off as soon as you need them to step up and put you first.

This man is a maggot. You deserve so much better.

Go for the job and start looking for somewhere new to live.....without him.