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Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?

323 replies

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 15:55

Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.

The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.

So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.

I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.

DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.

I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".

Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.

My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!

I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.

It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!

AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 17:05

With how poorly he treats you, I’m close to saying that you owe him nothing now. Yes, having such a long commute and such exhaustion is bad for your mental health but… maybe another large part of why your mental health is down the loo is because he’s constantly shitting on you???

This, in spades.


NugsNotDrugs · 02/09/2022 17:06

I would go for the new job.
it looks like you are likely to be going it alone soon and it will make life easier for you and Dc.
Take back some control. Your Dp will kick up a big fuss but you need to look at the bigger picture here. It looks like your sanity depends on it.


ProudThrilledHappy · 02/09/2022 17:12

Herja · 02/09/2022 16:40

If this IS the bloke who gives the baby ins, while having a go at you and regularly leaving you in the shit with work, then he's a proper dickhead anyway and I'd ignore him and go for a better work life balance.

You'll end up a single parent anyway, so better to be one with good working conditions.

Seconding this


MatildaTheCat · 02/09/2022 17:13

You don’t need his permission. Would he seek yours? Or even your opinion or approval? Seems doubtful.

Find that inner self and apply for the job. It’s obvious you need to leave him and this could be your springboard.

Good luck.


NanaNelly · 02/09/2022 17:15

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:40


Op, I think there’s a lot to be said for this post from @MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

Try for the job and look at it as a chance to improve your situation in life.


DarkDarkNight · 02/09/2022 17:19

I hate this kind of petty jealousy and don’t know why people put up with it. He needs to snap out of it. 4 years is a long time.

It seems like a great move for you, a shorter commute and hopefully a less stressful job. It sounds like you’re getting the fuzzy end of the lollypop doing all the nursery drop offs and pick ups as well, he should be doing his share.


misskatamari · 02/09/2022 17:20

I’m guessing you’re the same poster from a few other threads recently, and if so, please read the advice you have received multiple times already about how shitty your partner is.

if not, apologies but your name is similar and a lot of details match up.

you’re not being unreasonable, this job sounds like a great opportunity and I hope you go for it. It would make your life a lot easier, and will be a bonus to be nearer home if you do decide the relationship isn’t working any longer


Damnautocorrect · 02/09/2022 17:22

My ex used to pull shit like this. It’s a form of putting you back in your box, not letting you progress in life and keeping you in your place.

the job sounds brilliant. Apply for it. Go for it and put you and your children first.


FlissyPaps · 02/09/2022 17:24

I may have got my wires crossed OP, but if you are the same poster of the thread recently where your DP treats you like shit (and works in the police) then you need to leave him.

Sincere apologies if that thread is not you💐The situations and commutes just sound so so similar.

Regarding this thread - I would 100% apply for the job. Seriously what have you got to lose? Your DP being angry that your ex works there? Tough shit. Like you said, you’d be in different departments - if it’s a huge organisation with 100’s of employees there a very slim chance you’d see him.

It’s obvious your current job and commute are bringing you down. There’s more to life than being in a job that makes you miserable. What’s the point? A shorter commute and a better company would bring so much more positives. Please apply!

Then, you need to have a sit down chat with DP about it. Be honest with him how you feel. How your current job makes you feel. Explain how you would not see the ex. If DP still has an issue I’d be re-thinking the relationship.


Herejustforthisone · 02/09/2022 17:25

thedancingbear · 02/09/2022 16:50

"You actually sound like my "D"P. Trying to silence me all the time if my opinion is not fully in agreement with his."

Your post of 16.45, upthread.

In what world is that an attack @thedancingbear ?


Quartz2208 · 02/09/2022 17:26

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:46

I have made other threads recently yes but I'm not prepared to confirm which ones they are. I don't want people piecing together my whole life story. It's embarrassing and it's a total mess. 😔

I think the problem is though OP is that advice cannot be properly given in this instance without the full story.

It is easier to be sympathetic to your partners perspective if it is just this one thing that was going on - all the other things though add up to a partner so is so unsupportive that he is the reason you are having to move


CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears · 02/09/2022 17:29

upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 16:46

I have made other threads recently yes but I'm not prepared to confirm which ones they are. I don't want people piecing together my whole life story. It's embarrassing and it's a total mess. 😔

Oh, OP. You’ve been mentally worn down by your partner. That’s why you feel embarrassed of this “total mess.” But why are YOU embarrassed when HE’S the one doing it?!? You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Take this new job. Do whatever is necessary to make your life the best it can possibly be. And when you feel strong enough, you’ll see the situation for what it is, and hopefully you’ll be able to leave him. I know today, the idea of doing it all on your own, even though he’s only providing 1% of the help, seems impossible. When you’re at breaking point, the idea of giving up that 1% is terrifying. But maybe with this new job, and a shorter commute, it’ll be a bit easier. But even if you don’t get the new job… you still don’t have to stay with him. Maybe it’s time to call women’s aid or consider counseling. Hell, maybe it’s even worth considering if you left him, you could live right next to your work and your DD’s nursery (who gives a fuck about his commute). You only get one life, OP. But don’t be embarrassed because you’ve been emotionally worn down and gaslit. That is NOT something to be embarrassed about. We have all been hurt at one point or another in our lives. We have all been the victim of someone else’s mess. We all know. You’re going to be okay eventually.


BitossiBlues · 02/09/2022 17:35

You need to leave your "D"P. He'd have found some other excuse to piss on this new job prospect if your ex had not been a factor. He's abusive. He's a copper - sorry, but abusive coppers are bad news, even more so that your regular abusive male. Get out while you can and before he gets the professional power/standing to make you too terrified to ever leave. Why do you want your child to grow up in the home and horrible atmosphere you have between you? Do it for your DC if not for yourself.


Sisisimone · 02/09/2022 17:35

You would be absolutely crazy not to take this job. Can't believe anyone would suggest otherwise


iwantmyownicecreamvan · 02/09/2022 17:35

Yeah, the ex is just a red herring - he doesn't want to do his share of nursery drop offs and pickups and wants to put you off applying so he can continue to let his daughter (and himself) have a nice lie in in the mornings.

Apply for the job you want. If he doesn't like it, he can leave and even if he finds excuses and doesn't do his share, you will still be better off. At this stage you need to do the best thing for you - whether he likes it or not - because his reasons are selfish.


WisherWood · 02/09/2022 17:36

I think he is being unreasonable. I went back recently to work where an ex does and DH has never even mentioned it! I wouldn't care if he worked with an ex either 🤷‍♀️ It literally wouldn't even be on my radar.

I'm fine with my DP hanging out with his ex's - however, to the best of my knowledge, he hasn't kissed them whilst he and I have been having relationship difficulties.

On the basis of this thread alone, I can see why this is causing the OP's DP some problems. I would hope that once he's calmed down and digested the information he would have a calm chat about it but I can see why, when confronted with this information during the working day, he shut down about it. That said, the wider picture of him not helping with the toddler looks much worse.


upsetandstressed · 02/09/2022 17:37


Just thank you, so much. For your understanding and for reassuring me I'm not insane here. It means SO much. Flowers

OP posts:

Wheresthebeach · 02/09/2022 17:38

Go for the new job. Your current one is making you unhappy and you’ve the opportunity to work for someone you know and like.
then you can assess your relationship and future. The new job has great potential re salary so grab it with both hands.


Asurvivor · 02/09/2022 17:39

I can’t believe the criticism you are getting OP - you have done absolutely nothing wrong! You have been completely transparent, telling your dh about the kiss (again nothing wrong, you were on a break after all) and then about the job search. You haven’t even got the job yet!
I can see why your dh could be insecure but this seems really controlling not to hear you out and hear why the job - yes the job, nothing to do with your ex - is beneficial to your wellbeing. I don’t think your dh has your best interests at heart and I really think you should go forward with this job application - for you and your dc.


Christmasiscominghohoho · 02/09/2022 17:39

I wouldn’t be overly happy if my partner picked a place that his ex worked at that he went off and kissed when we had relationship problems before.


niugboo · 02/09/2022 17:46

Put the shoe on the other foot.

Would you be ok with it?


TabithaTittlemouse · 02/09/2022 17:49

I wouldn’t like it and would react the same as your partner has.

You did do something wrong. You kissed an ex.

As you don’t wish to link your other posts to this one (understandable) I can only go on the information given here.


Redburnett · 02/09/2022 17:49

If your ex still works there it is probably unwise to seek a job there, given your DH's opinion and your behaviour in the past. TBH saying you had forgotten he worked there is not credible.


theThiRdgirl · 02/09/2022 17:50

I don’t think the problems in your relationship will vanish with this new job. You are unhappy, irritable etc because perhaps that’s how anyone would feel in your situation? I think you’ve posted before, if you haven’t then my apologies. If you are the same poster I think you have every reason to feel as you do. Your feelings are valid. Please consider tackling the real heart of what’s wrong. Change can be scary but in the long run it will all be worth it, for you and DC.


Ragruggers · 02/09/2022 17:54

You deserve this job please apply you say the job s perfect for you and your toddler’s nursery I suggest don’t mention it again . Hope you are successful .Your partner is not caring at all about you that it is obvious he is jealous and sounds very unpleasant as well.I doubt you will be together much longer you are so unhappy.Plan your future this job will give you this choice in the future.I wish you lots of luck.

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