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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents cutting me out of will

345 replies

JoshuaTree36 · 02/09/2022 08:40

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

OP posts:
PatsyJStone · 02/09/2022 08:42

You aren't being unreasonable and you have also handled it really well with your conversation with your mum. Well done you.

KangarooKenny · 02/09/2022 08:43

I’d be really pissed off, you should both be treated equally.
And as he’s/been an addict he could easily go through the price of a house in no time, and their money would be wasted.
‘I’m afraid I’d have to say something.

Dotjones · 02/09/2022 08:43

At least they've told you how they feel about you, so you can make the choice as to whether to cut them out of your life now to spare yourself the pain later.

Try going NC with them for a few months and see what their reaction is. If they keep trying to contact you, try to apologise and change the will, then maybe they just made a stupid mistake. If they don't bother to try to restart your relationship then you know they're not worth the bother.

confusedinlondon · 02/09/2022 08:43

To be honest, yes I would feel bad. I guess they are worried about how you brother will manage and they want to help him out. This is no reflection on you.

SarahProblem · 02/09/2022 08:44

Tell them exactly how you feel OP. Just because you didn't then doesn't mean you can't now. If they still insist on doing this you decide if you want them in your life.

Fairyliz · 02/09/2022 08:44

Personally I would feel extremely upset. Yes your brother sounds like he has had a difficult life but largely of his own making, no one forces drugs/alcohol down your throat.
When you feel calmer I would try and talk to your parents and express how upset you feel. It’s not necessarily about the money but feeling less loved.

Cervinia · 02/09/2022 08:45

I voted YABU because I don’t understand what you want from this thread. You are quite rightly pissed off, yet you won’t be saying anything to either your parents or your brother.

this resentment will likely fester and have an impact on your relationship with your parents so you might as well say something now.

they asked your opinion, you had the opportunity to say how hurt you felt but you didn’t.

MrsMoastyToasty · 02/09/2022 08:46

I'd be tempted to tell them to leave it all to charity; that you don't own your home but the bank does; and the DB is likely to shoot the value of their home in his arm.

picklemewalnuts · 02/09/2022 08:50

You have to explain how you feel. Point out that while you and DH have started to buy a house, it's really precarious and relies on you staying together and working full time. When your health fails, as it will, you will be disadvantaged by being unable to work.

Assure them that there are no guarantees for anyone, that the value of their house could be eaten up in care fees.

And that you think it fairer if it were shared equally.

Will there ever be children do you think? Because they would miss out, too.

TheBikiniExpert · 02/09/2022 08:50

Some really rubbish advice on here! If you have a good relationship with your parents, talk to them! Say that you have reflected and tell them the reasons you give here. They probably haven't really thought about what it means to you.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 08:53

Usually I’m first to say that nobody is entitled to inherit, but this is just low.

So not only have they essentially told you what they think of you by disinheriting you, but you’re supposed to keep it a secret from your brother as well?

yes, I would tell them what I think. I would tell them that it’s very clear they don’t value me and don’t need me in their life and so I will not be in their life from here on in.

And then I would tell my brother why I have gone NC with with them. There is not a chance I would be keeping their little secret for them.

Meredusoleil · 02/09/2022 08:53

Speak to them now before it's too late. Make sure you get everything off your chest and they know exactly how you feel.

Thankfully, they've given you advance warning of their plans before they die. Unlike my late father who left it until his deathbed pretty much, by which time it was too late to do anything about!

If you don't say anything, resentment will build up and ruin your relationships whilst they are still alive. FWIW, it's totally the wrong thing to do imho. The pain it will cause cam never be repaired. And I speak from personal experience 💔

motherofcatsandbears · 02/09/2022 08:53

I can’t help wondering if this is your parents’ way of testing the water. I know you’ve been sworn to secrecy, but maybe they’re doing the same thing with your brother?
Remain on good terms (I personally) don’t thing going low or no contact will help at all as it would make you look like you’re having a tantrum.
Your mum cottoned on to your feelings immediately so I’m sure there’s more behind it. I assume they are aware of your brother’s addiction and really don’t think they’d leave everything to him with his past.
Stay strong x

Ponoka7 · 02/09/2022 08:54

You've told her that it's fine and you haven't got a problem, so this thread is pointless unless it persuades you to tell her how you really feel. Your brother is in secure housing, you aren't. You could divorce and if you can't work, you'll be starting from the bottom. Tell her what you have said here, otherwise it will affect your relationship with all of them.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 08:57

TheBikiniExpert · 02/09/2022 08:50

Some really rubbish advice on here! If you have a good relationship with your parents, talk to them! Say that you have reflected and tell them the reasons you give here. They probably haven't really thought about what it means to you.

They clearly don’t have a good relationship with the OP though do they.

And even if their plan to leave everything to the brother is badly thought out, they clearly have no issue in creating a rift between their children by insisting the OP keep the fact the brother is inheriting everything a secret.

At this stage it wouldn’t be about money for me. If that was their attitude no amount of conversation could rectify that and they can’t come back from that. Any change to the will then would be done purely out of guilt and not because of the relationship so I wouldn’t want their money anyway.

And that kind of attitude would change the whole relationship dynamic, no matter how close we’d been before that.

Flossiemoss · 02/09/2022 08:57

The bit that stands out for me is that you have been sworn to secrecy. Why? That’s destructive in itself. Do they have form for divide and rule?

I would be telling them that your not keeping secrets and they need to discuss this with your brother. Otherwise your previously good relationship with him will sour.

I also think that wills should remain private until the death. Talking about who gets what in a will is usually very manipulative behaviour.

TooHotToTangoToo · 02/09/2022 08:59

I'd be cheesed off too op, I think if you explain to your mum, as you have done in your op, then it's up to her to decide, but at least she knows your thought on this.

I'm in a similar situation, own my own home etc, but my db has had 'bad luck' 'poor decisions' and will likely never own his own house or have a pension. My dad has stated that the house etc will still be devided 50/50, I may, or may not, depending on what's happening when the time comes, give my share to my db, but it will be my decision and not to the detriment of my family

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 08:59

I also think that wills should remain private until the death. Talking about who gets what in a will is usually very manipulative behaviour. I agree entirely with that.

Meredusoleil · 02/09/2022 09:00

Flossiemoss · 02/09/2022 08:57

The bit that stands out for me is that you have been sworn to secrecy. Why? That’s destructive in itself. Do they have form for divide and rule?

I would be telling them that your not keeping secrets and they need to discuss this with your brother. Otherwise your previously good relationship with him will sour.

I also think that wills should remain private until the death. Talking about who gets what in a will is usually very manipulative behaviour.

I agree with the first part. All parties should know what's what.

I disagree with the last part though. Why can't wills be discussed whilst the person is still alive?

Much better to have transparency and any clarification, in order to avoid any nasty shocks after death surely?

Skatewing · 02/09/2022 09:00

Same here op only I have a sister who has an addition.
It is me supporting my parents now in all ways including financially so now everything is sorted for them, they want to leave everything to my sister. Indirectly I'm setting her up for life too.
I'm afraid that most addicts are vulnerable and to look after them without them losing all the money would require a trust.

Parents may require care costs which will eat the money/assets quickly too so nothing is set in stone.

It isn't so much about the money but how they view us. Is that a compliment or does all our blood, sweat and toil no longer has recognition?
It's the emotional confusion that causes the pain. The money is representative of something else.

NoMichaelNo · 02/09/2022 09:00

You need to tell your parents how you really feel.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 02/09/2022 09:01

Would half of your mum's house buy a flat or small house for your brother?

Meredusoleil · 02/09/2022 09:02

Skatewing · 02/09/2022 09:00

Same here op only I have a sister who has an addition.
It is me supporting my parents now in all ways including financially so now everything is sorted for them, they want to leave everything to my sister. Indirectly I'm setting her up for life too.
I'm afraid that most addicts are vulnerable and to look after them without them losing all the money would require a trust.

Parents may require care costs which will eat the money/assets quickly too so nothing is set in stone.

It isn't so much about the money but how they view us. Is that a compliment or does all our blood, sweat and toil no longer has recognition?
It's the emotional confusion that causes the pain. The money is representative of something else.

Exactly this! Is it an indirect compliment that we don't really 'need' the financial help as already own a house. Or is it an insult as they feel the other sibling needs it more?

Piffle11 · 02/09/2022 09:02

You really need to talk to your parents about this! There is absolutely no reason to stay quiet… It will eat away at you. This sort of thing causes so much resentment: speak up now!

If my DM turned round and said my sibling was getting everything, I would be really hurt and upset. My DSis is in a worse financial position to me, but that could easily change in the future. Plus, as I live closer to DM, I am the one taking her shopping, taking her for lunch, taking her here there and everywhere, picking her up every week and bringing her here for a meal with our family… So sometimes it's not only about what you have, it's about what you do.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 09:03

Much better to have transparency and any clarification, in order to avoid any nasty shocks after death surely? if the will is written in such a way that there are going to be nasty shocks after the death then the transparency and clarification is pure manipulation and nothing else.

Nobody writes an unfair will and then rubs it in their children’s face without having an underlying agenda. So if the will needs discussing, then there are already issues with the relationship.

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