Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

Right. It's time to live up to your parents' poor expectations! You get nothing - emotionally, financially - out of this so you might as well go LC/NC. Concentrate on living your #BestLife whilst health allows it.

How do you get on with PIL?

Would you be happier without them? My dad was a lovely man, enabling aside. Mum was his blind spot.

It's worth a thought. You are stick in FOG.
Fear
Obligation
Guilt.

There's no rush, just have a think, and decide what you want to do. I'm low contact with mine. I give her nothing she can use against me. You get better at it over time. I'm much happier now I've worked it all out!

If you haven't come across it, look up FOG, there's a website I think, 'out of the FOG'. Also 'grey rock'- making yourself uninteresting to your mum so she doesn't target you, and does t have weapons to hold against you (like her will, in this case).

My In-laws are lovely. Very welcoming, warm and non judgemental

All qualities that were unexpected, until i met them

Also, you mention 'their will'. Obviously 'they' don't have a will. One will almost certainly die before the other. Are they leaving everything to each other, as is usual? The survivor will then decide what they do with it all.

OH thank you

That really makes sense

@JoshuaTree36 You sound like the scapegoat in the family- The druggy brother is the Prodigal who gets the fatted calf ( The house) whereas you worked and get naff all.
Don’t feel guilty!
This toxic mother has everyone dancing to her narcissistic tune-
A submissive “ Head down to keep the peace “ husband,
an indulged son who can do no wrong, despite making shite life choices, and you, her whipping boy ( Girl).
She sounds very unaware of the damage she is doing, and yet everyone dances to her toxic tune.

A really good counsellor might help unpick this, but won’t change the situation.
Chances are her own mother was a toxic person, too.

So why are you wasting time (literally and figuratively) with your toxic parents?

It sounds like game playing - I come from a family were this was common personally I find it best to ignore as much as possible and refuse to engage.

I get the hurt - but IME nothing changes with chats etc.

MIL did try this, she had very similar background to my family, around wills I just pushed back made sure kids are aware there could be nothing etc - she stopped I do wonder if she was unconsciously following some internalised script as it was very similar to paternal GP. My DP thankfully don't do this though they do keep weird secrets which can be hurtful.

Based on rest of what you say I'd suggest low contact, rather than no contact, and firm boundaries - I'd also suggest Games people play and Toxic parents.

@JoshuaTree36 I feel extremely hurt on your behalf.
My BIL's parents said the same to him (their flesh & blood) to leave their house to his adopted brother.. :-0
Some people are very odd.

Both should be treated equally! It doesn't matter if you have a house, still should be equal!

I really feel for you.. it seems ridiculously unfair and I can totally get why you feel how you do.

my brother has always been the golden boy and now 2 years on after loosing my dad, with me doing double if not triple what he does for my mum, he is STILL the golden boy.

My dad was wealthy and literally everything has been left to my mum and then the plan was she will leave it to us. She uses this money as a way to manipulate and control us and exert her power. It’s hugely affected my relationship with her since my dad died.

I was married to a very high earner, two kids, SAHM, he had an affair, game over.. things change very quickly, and like you say your situation is not set in stone.

I don’t really have anything helpful to add, but I think I would make it clear how you feel about it.

Wow.
It's unfair treatment but from reading your backstory it doesn't seem like anything can be changed for the better regarding the will.
You can change whether you are involved with your parents, and how much/little contact you have with them .

This is very insightful and spot on. Choosing to work on the people pleasing in therapy is reward enough in itself. Being able to stand up for yourself will protect yourself from others exploitation and disrespect.

My DM used the will thing as a bargaining chip but fortunately I didn't need the money so it wasn't an effective weapon 😁However it did reinforce her lifelong favouritism of my brother. I fully expect that I would have done all the elder care whilst he would have benefitted from her will.

I have been NC with my crappy family for a while now. I thank my lucky stars that I'm not around for my DMs aging and decline. Don't miss them, don't need them. I am wondering whether you would feel the same as they're not really giving you anything positive in this?

Just before my Mother died it was explained that 'the house will go to your brother'. I was given a supermarket carrier bag with some used tenners in
(later learned about £700: Brother will inherit a house worth around £450K).

This is a monetary illustration of the way I have always been treated but I was shocked to have it flung in my face just before she died (the last time I saw her)
I told her I didn't want it, but she got very upset & was vomiting a lot & it seemed kinder just to say 'thank's & move on so I chose to take the 'high road' of not upsetting her by saying how horrible it was. Now with a 2nd chance, I think I'd tell her what I thought of her behaviour. So, sorry for blurt (recent) & different to your situation but I saw a similarity in our shocked / then 'its not fair' reaction.

OP, it's not fair. it might be worth writing a letter explaining why you feel that.

You really need to talk to them about this. It's crazy. Do you have kids? What about suggesting that you both inherit the house but that your brother can live in it until he dies then it goes to your kids. Personally I would find that too messy but maybe an option.

Would he be able to buy a flat with half the proceeds of the house?

It's a shit thing of your Mum to have done.

@JoshuaTree36 I have just read all of your responses. Your mum sounds exactly like my mum.. treading on eggshells constantly. If she’s happy, everyone’s happy, right? I spend a lot of my time trying to keep her happy. Since loosing my dad it’s been harder. She wallows in self pity and enjoys it there. She loves to guilt trip, emotional blackmail and I see her everyday despite working full time and have two teens and have her for dinner once a week. She is exhausting. I understand completely why some people go no contact or low contact. I GET it! I just don’t know if I could do it, mainly through guilt and being a people pleaser myself.

Is your mother the type to take action? Is it possible that she's saying all of this to cause friction but won't actually get around to making a will at all?

Most parents would choose equality but, to be honest, they can leave their money to absolutely anyone - and that includes the proverbial cats home. And the value of a house could be swallowed up by care bills anyway. You say that you are happy, so get on with your life & forget about any expectations of an inheritance.

Yes, my mum never got over being cut of her mums will (gran left it to me, my brother and cousin). I didn’t realise at the time how pissed off my mum was. She never directly said anything.

Mum was loaded at the time whereas we were all early 20s. We only got about 16k each so not a life changing amount but helpful as hell when you’ve just bought your first house.

it was soon after this that mum started saying to me “oh I might not leave anything to you but leave it to your daughter (her grandkid) instead. I just used to say whatever, do what you want. Looking back I think she wanted me to beg her not to so she could say that that’s what happened to her.

YABU for not just saying you think it's unfair. Because it is. Don't assume she's a mind reader.

So your DB will be providing for any care requirements they might have in years to come? Because you won't! I know you say you never expected anything - but do they not expect anything of you when they're old, frail and in need?

Honestly I'd have to have that conversation with them and put them straight!

Actually ignore that. I read the other posts and it sounds like you have a quite fucked up family so I suppose it wouldn't do any good.

fucking gets on my nerves, both myself and husband worked hard to have a nice life and are always at the bottom of the list for anything from family. Both brother and brother in law get endless stream of money and things as do their kids. But we get nothing and I know that sounds quite bratty but how is it fair one grandchild gets £50 at Xmas and the other gets £200+ just because his parents have a "nice life". Should be the same across the board imo!

That's irrelevant, he is being treated like the golden child because he has chosen to live a rackety life, the OP is being punished for being hard working. It's like the care system, older people who have made no effort to save for their future are treated better than those who have managed to save, often from similar incomes etc.
Make it clear to the brother that he will be expected to take on the responsibility for your parents' care in the future.

You have absolutely nothing to lose by letting them know exactly how you feel about this turn of events. Do it by letter/email if you prefer. I also think you owe them nothing if this is their plan so they might want to start thinking about planning for their de lining years with no support coming from you. Sounds unlikely the brother will step up when the time comes..,