Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

I'd be pissed off too.
I'd be inclined to speak to both parents (together at the same time ) to tell them I am hurt by their decision, and ask why they want kept secret.
I'm not really sure where your Mum was coming from surprising you with this information.

I would feel very hurt by this decision. Owning a house with a mortgage to pay is nowhere near the same as inheriting a house. A mortgage free house takes all the financial pressure of daily living away. You can never lose your home because you've lost your job or defaulted on the mortgage. The amount you would pay in rent/mortgage becomes your disposable income an opens up doors for leisure/pleasure/studying/travel ext or just a more comfortable, stress fequallingvyours and your brother's ree lifestyle as your condition progresses.
I would wait for a calm moment when you've absorbed this news. Tell your mother you are both hurt and surprized by this news. Try to explain that a house with a mortgage provides no real security until it is paid off so she is not, as it seems in her mind, equalling yours and your brother's circumstances, she is making him far more secure than you. Write down your issues with this and change the wording until you are satisfied that what you want to say comes across clearly with making you look grabby. 💐

Without 😁 excuse typos.

I agree you need to speak to your parents again OP.
It isn’t fair, and if you don’t go back and talk to them things will likely fester and the relationship change anyway. Your Mum asked for your opinion and it wasn’t fair to expect you to be able to process such a big issue and respond straight away. It’s fine to go back like the others have said… good luck OP.

I would be really hurt and would have told my parents this.

SpacePotato

They had assets but for reasons too long to explain, I had to top them up to help set them up. They now plan to leave it to my sister.

I can feel hurt but I didn't give the money with conditions (they are my parents so I didn't feel I had to), essentially I gifted them and now it goes to my sister.
I think it is morally shitty of them but it is what it is. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@JoshuaTree36 be honest with your parents. Tell them that siblings deserve to be treated equally. The house should be given to your brother AND you so then you can sell the house and split the money between the both of you. You will resent your parents and your brother if you don’t say anything now.

I’d do this too. She can’t just dump this on you and expect you to be happy. Say your piece.

YANBU DH & I have made our will to be a 50/50 split between our DS, regardless of how will either of them do in life, it’s fairness.

Your parents are very naive.
This is exactly the kind of thing that tears families apart.

I would sit down gently with my parents and have a chat with them. It’s not really about the money per se, it’s about lack of fairness about their decision, and also the fact that they’re handing potentially hundreds of thousands of pounds to an addict. Someone with legal knowledge will be along soon with better advice but be pointing out that they are potentially putting your brother into a dangerous situation by giving him the means to fully indulge his addictions.

My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Would he?
Or would he spend it on booze & drugs?

If he genuinely would, then you have no problem.
When the sad time comes - assuming it ever does, for all you know your parents' house will be sold & swallowed up in care fees - he'd just share the proceeds with you 50/50, right?

It is really unfair of your mum not just to spring this on you, but demand you keep it a secret from DB. It's almost as if she enjoyed trying to drive a wedge between you. I don't think you should comply with it. She can't ask you to keep a secret from your own DB who you love. Why don't you open up to him?
He has a FAR more secure position than you. He has a secure council tenancy, & now 'expectations', while you have scrimped to get onto the housing ladder & feel financially exposed, as health issues or (let's hope not) marital difficulties could take it all away from you.

Of course you are upset & you have every right to be. It's hard to work out why you told your mother that everything's fine when is clearly isn't. If you cannot discuss your health worries & financially precarious position with your parents, for goodness sake open up to your brother.

Somebody in your family needs to be on Team You, & it's not gonna be your parents. So - to be brutal, but please take it as tough love because frankly your parents' behaviour is outrageous - stop playing the bloody martyr & tell your DB how you are feeling, how worried you are, & how unfair your parents - especially your mother - are being to you.

You sound lovely and have handled the situation really well. But I do think you need to say something to them and get it off your chest. Tell them what you’ve said here. I don’t think your relationship with your parents will be able to be quite the same following this.
What is your brother’s life like now? Is it possible he would end up blowing the money from the house on drugs and alcohol?
Besides, even if you had made yourself incredibly rich and successful whilst your brother was struggling, your parents should still treat you the same.

YAnBU and they are being awful to both of you to put you in this position. It’s not a kindness to your DB. He’ll no doubt feel conflicted and guilty.
I was left money and my siblings weren’t by an aunt and I ended up deciding (no pressure from siblings) to split it between us. It felt like using me to settle old scores and I hated her for it and decided I didn’t need to just let her do it!

This. It's like someone said that apart from it being a safety net due to your health condition, it's about feeling equally loved. If they wanted to, they could perhaps make certain provisions now to help the brother. If you feel you can't say it to them, it might be easier to write a letter. That way, you can get it all off your chest without being influenced by their responses so it can be a calm statement/explanation. Much better to do this than go NC (it seems to be a thing for a younger generation - ghosting, blocking, NC - without having a discussion first).

I do feel for you and would be distraught too. Interestingly, there are countries in the world where a child is always entitled to part of a parents' 'estate' and it can't all be left to others in a will.

This

And also 100% this

Very true that @JoshuaTree36 doesn’t own her own home - she has a mortgage. Her drug addict brother could relapse when the money he inherits can get him so many drugs. OP and her dc deserve to inherit more assets than her brother.

sounds like they think because you’re married and have a mortgage you’re ‘sorted’ and are worried about your brother and how he will support himself when they aren’t there to provide a safety net. That’s unfair but sounds like his vulnerability and failure to launch as it were probably worries the hell out of them. If you usually get in and they aren’t assholes it sounds like they fully expect you to be fine and always taken care of by your husband but I think you need to sit down with them and have a chat about what you’ve said here about no guarantees and about your health condition.

Id be honest and give them a chance to understand how you really feel and consider another angle in the first instance.

I would send your mum a message too OP. You can be calm and polite but explain how you feel as in above posts. Then say you don't need to discuss the matter any further but at least you'll have told your mum how you really feel. Otherwise this will just eat you up and damage your relationship with your family.

Shouldn't matter the situations of each child. They should get their equal share.

YANBU

I think you are being unreasonable to be so pissed off about it but to say you are fine about it when you aren't. Your parents sound like they were sounding you out and in many circumstances I think it is fair not to leave everything equally if one sib is massively struggling and the other super rich - for example. But the key is being open so that people realise it's not about who is loved more or anything like that but more about circumstances and according to need. I think this advice is good:

"I would go back to your mum and tell her the truth about how you feel.
‘Hey mum, you took me by surprise the other day. Now I’ve had time to think about it, I want to be honest with you. I feel it’s really unfair. Nobody knows what the future holds for me - my condition may mean I’m not able to work much past 50 so won’t have a great pension to live off whereas my db will have a house handed to him on a plate. If it were me, I’d be splitting my estate equally between my children.’
But obviously you point out that it’s her choice and you will say no more on the matter."

I would also have a think about the different circumstances of you and your brother and whether you want it to be 50 50 or whether you'd be happy for any different sort of split to take account of his present circumstances. I think it would be a terrible shame if some sort of resentment soured your relationship with your brother when he sounds very lovely (you said he'd give you his last penny) and you sound like you love each other. It would also be a shame if this was to sour relations with your parents who sound like they are trying to "do the right thing" and consult you about what that might look like to make sure you were ok with it (which you then told them you were!).

You have to open up a discussion with them though or else it will fester. Saying you are really pissed off to us but saying all is fine to your parents when they specifically asked you and wanted to gauge how you might feel about it - is unreasonable in my view.

No, I doubt brother would do this

I think you maybe need to point out to your mum that anything that's left to your brother may totally Eff up his benefits.
We're having this issue with my brother who is set to inherit from my parents but has leukemia & Learning difficulties & in no way can hold down a job. Don't want him to come off benefits when he gets the money because it's taken years to get him to the point he's at now and then when the money runs out it's a massive fight to get back on benefits & he'd have to prove/shopw where the money went, can't put it into a trust as it'd cost more than he's being left, can't buy him a house as he'd then be left with the upkeep & he already has a council flat - Total nightmare.

YANBU - It's very unfair.

Ignore the above - I was trying to respond to a message, but am new to the board, and fluffed it

I never expected to inherit anything - if they said they were giving to charity, i would not have any opinion at all but I feel this is almost a deliberate swipe and very telling on their thoughts of me

Someone asked about this and - Honestly, I do not think my Brother would insist on a 50/50 split.

A few people have mentioned that it seems like Mum is trying to drive a wedge between us...and this is what my Husband says....and Mum has never really liked us getting on. We have suspected that she is Narcissistic for years, but that is another story, or maybe not - helps explain her behaviour in some cases

I won't talk to my parents about this - honestly there is little point, and I feel that Mum would be quite gleeful knowing I am upset. She does not know what empathy or understanding are. An unwritten rule in our family is to walk on eggshells around Mum, only her feelings matter. Mum is one of those types that do not like other females at ALL - and I guess this is a lifetime habit of swallowing my feelings, as expected in that dynamic. I just cant put myself through that conversation, although I agree with others, that i probably shoudl

I may talk to my Brother at some point. But I do not know really. My Brother does mention 'his' inheritance on a regular basis (Yes i know no one is entitled to) but he does,,,,,,and next time he mentions it, I think I will bring this up.