Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

@bluetongue well
thats quite shameful and unfair to your sister isn’t it.

Sadly it won't solve the whole problem. Because even if @Happyfuture does that, it doesn't erase the message that the parents intent sends to the sister.

Most people in such a situation will say that it's not the money, it's knowing that their parents didn't care about them/didn't love them/were out to hurt them. That's what you don't get over. And as the parents are gone by the time you know, you can never resolve or discuss it with them. It leaves a terrible lingering hurt that makes you question your entire life and relationship with them.

They should leave you everything 50/50. Like you say, who knows what situation you and your brother will be in when they pass, your brother may turn his life around while you may hit hard times. They should have trust in you and your brother that you would look after each other. You should tell them your opinion, you may not be able to change their mind but at least it’s off your chest.

Been there, got the t shirt as they say. I made the decision that I had grown up in this toxic environment and did not want it to further poison my own family circle and affect my kids so I distanced myself from it all. I am content that I acted positively for the sake of my children, my marriage and my own health, mental well-being and happiness.

Someone once said to me - just because someone is a family member, they still need to justify themselves as a decent human being. My family members did anything but - so I put them all at arm’s length. Never regretted it for a single moment.

My mother caused all the problems - everything she did was divisive. It caused so much stress, hurt and negativity amongst everyone. But I now realise that’s what she wanted.

You only get one life. Enjoy it with the people you truly love and who truly love you and banish the negativity. You won’t regret it. But do it quietly and with dignity and don’t feed your mother’s narcissistic tendencies.

Read all @JoshuaTree36 's posts. The parents are doing this because it is divisive. They are looking for a reaction from the OP.

If she says 'that's unfair' her parents aren't going to suddenly see the light. They may just dig in or they may use the prospect of changing their will to be more fair as something to dangle over OP's head. To get her to dance to their tune.

The best thing OP can do is roll with it. 'It's your money, you must do what you think is best'. Just repeated as a broken record.

Of course it is perfectly possible that the parents never get round to making or changing their wills. I think an awful lot of planned will terms never actually get written. While people are happy to be petty and spiteful to their families they don't want that pettiness and spite to be seen by someone official.

Some people like the idea of still being in control after they are gone.

My DB (a strange person) once said he planned on leaving notes detailing what he really thought about different people to be found once he was gone. In all likelihood the person who finds the notes will dismiss them as the ramblings of a bitter old man. Not as the witty and salutary comments DB imagines.

I mentioned that I would in my post, but my sister is also the type that would still create a war no matter what I do. I'm saying I shouldn't be put in that situation in the first place

This is exactly what I was getting at. My sisters last and final goodbye from my parents would be an insult and I don't want to create another war because of their actions

Honestly I think this is awful of them. I would personally raise my concerns and how it is unfair if them to leave you without when you have worked so hard. You deserve to be treated equally.

@Harmonypuss, I cannot imagine a situation where my children would not inherit equally. To cut one of your children completely out of your will, especially when you only have two children, whatever they have done, is incredibly spiteful and nasty. It will confirm to the one who is left out that they have never been loved. As a mother of three grown up children, I find such a thing incomprehensible, especially when boasted about on a forum such as this.

This is a great idea for your daughter to have lifetime living in the house. I am glad she is doing well with her business.
What a loving mum and uncle she has 💕

Gosh, I wonder why your step mother doesn't like you?

I can easily imagine a situation. How about one where the daughter devotes herself to her parents, looking after them in their old age, while the older brother does nothing, doesn't even bother to visit them? Would you consider it fair for him to get as much as the daughter?

Life is complicated.

In that situation I'd attempt to make any difference in inheritance disparity explained in the will. So "in recognition of the time and expense that DD has put into caring for me, restricting her ability to work or take holidays, I give her (x amount of money) to reflect her lost income/expenses.The remainder of my estate.to be split..."

The difficulty with stepping away from equal shares is that wills then often only reflect the current situation.

The attentive DC may be only doing it because they are in a situation where they can be attentive. The will gets written to reflect this then life gets in the way. The attentive DC no longer has the life space. Elderly parents lose capacity, go into residential care. But the will still stands.

I'm not supprised you're pee'd off. This is inherently unfair but not unusual. I'm the middle of three and have worked hard and done okay, and am now 'comfortably' off. My older brother struggled at school and then through life rarely holding down a job and now living on benefits. He has always been helped financially to the point he would expect it and therefore never really bothered about much. (My younger sister passed away at an early age ). Because I have always worked and looked after myself, even through redundancy and divorce it was always said "Oh, you'll be okay". Tough love.

The difficulty with stepping away from equal shares is that wills then often only reflect the current situation - this is true. But although the situation you've outlined is possible, it's less likely I imagine than the other scenario (attentive DC continues to be attentive, other DC continues to be no help whatsoever). So although either will could end up "wrong" (ie not treating the DC fairly), because no one can predict the future, I think there are some situations when an unequal split is more likely to be "right".

Hello, I would sit down with your parents and advise them that you are not comfortable with their decision, (whilst reinforcing you will respect their decision, after they have heard your reasons why) as they have made their decision based upon an assumption that you are doing well and will be financially ok for the rest of your life. I would advise them that situations can change, jobs, health, marriages and whilst you are doing financially better than your brother due to having a great partner and working hard… you never know what life will present. My mum wanted to give my brothers share of her will to her grandson (his son) as my brother is not very responsible with money, I advised her not to change the will ensuring all siblings get an equal share as ut can easily lead to bad blood later down the line.

I am financially well off, but quite honestly as the daughter (with 2 brothers), it’s me doing all the caring of my mother (which incurs costs petrol, help with house maintenance etc), so I would ensure its at minimum an equal share and if my caring duties increase, I’ll probably talk to my mum & brothers about me having a larger share of the will or an allowance. Just some thoughts for you to consider

In my opinion the will is the last chance a parent has to try to treat their children equally and to make up for something one child might have missed out on. It is obviously not possible but one can make an effort.
You haven’t mentioned any cash assets and she could have meant that she wishes your brother to live in the house whereas you get cash or other savings. It doesn’t sound like it from the rest of the thread though.

However, I’m guessing your parents are in their 60s and have still got a long stretch to live. They might want or need to sell the house to move to a smaller better adapted property and to use parts or all of the assets to pay for care. Lots can happen in the next 30 years.

I don't blame you for the way that you feel , but I can understand where your parents are coming from.

I think it's all about what you value in life. Not everything is about money.

Before our father died my older brother and I gave up our share of the family home, to our sister. We had already bought properties, had partners at the time and she was renting, single with a teenage son.

We could have got a tidy sum between us but we were content with what we already had.

If you have a nice home and a good relationship with your husband, don't have pre conceived ideas about what might happen, enjoy every moment. And even if things did go wrong , its not about your resources but being resourceful.

Obviously your parents see you as being more resourceful than your brother, and think he needs more assets to get him to the place he needs to be, like you.

Don't be bitter with your parents, when the time comes maybe have a chat with your brother about how he could best use this asset, or if he still has problems with drugs etc maybe get them to set up some kind if trust if that is possible so he wont squander all the money he gets, just thinking out loud.

I'm sure its ok to ask if your parents have a funeral plan as well, as I don't think it would be fair for you to be out of pocket, knowing what you know.

Everything happens for a reason, :O) , you never know what life brings and you could end up with more things than you anticipated if you don't allow your resentment to get the better of you.

In your shoes I would decide now that when they become older and start telling you you need to - do the shopping, cleaning, be their taxi service, phone people for them etc etc - the answer will be No. Ask my brother.

In most cases the favoured sibling gets everything and the one they think nothing of is expected to run round after them.

Decide now that you will not be both the one who doesn't matter and the one that will provide the care.

I would tell them that they are penalising you for doing the right thing all your life and maybe you should have become an addict.

Sadly, this is where parents don't understand drug addiction, your brother will always be an addict even if a recovering one. I would sit your parents down and explain how you feel. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you having a house, it is about your parents showing a preference and that is very common where male/female children are involved. My parents were the same. My parents drew up a new will after my elder brother died and my father broke his hip. He told me that he would "reward" me for always running to help even though I lived twice as far from them as my brother did and that both DH and I had long term health conditions. Then he told me that the new wills split everything equally because he didn't my brother to be upset that I was "preferred". Their money was always theirs to do with as they chose but I was upset that they didn't give my brother the credit of being able to understand their reasoning yet they expected me to. It is NOT that they split the money equally. In other words, female children have to be the understanding one and not the male regardless of the situation. It has been like that all of my life and it does irritate me from time to time.

My suggestion is to sit your parents down and explain how you feel about this. If the proceeds of the house are split then your brother could buy a flat as he won't need a house on his own. The executor, and you don't say who that is, can help him do so. You can also explain that you may need to have the house adapted to your needs and won't be able to afford it. It is also more expensive to live as a disabled person than a normal one. I'm sure that your parents would understand that.

You need to speak to your parents. By leaving him everything they are ENABLING him to potentially go back to old habits. You sound like a kind & forgiving person, but this isn’t fair!

If they become Ill at any point in the future, and require care/assistance.. I’d expect this to be down to yourself AND your brother. Maybe worth thinking about

What I don't understand is - why can’t your parents sell their big house. Divide equal and that should get DB a mortgage free flat to live his difficult life.

But reading your posts its now CLEAR they want to hurt you. Please go NC and remind them DB is there to take care of their old age.

On a separate note do you think DB will have family? What if after him all the inheritance is passed to you and your DC?