Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

I can understand you feeling upset but I can also understand they are worried about their son in the future. What does he say about it? Maybe a fairer idea would be for the property to be sold when the time comes and for him to inherit a bigger proportion than you but not all of it.

I think you should tell them how you feel and why you feel like that. Sounds like you have a great relationship with your family and it would benefit your relationship to spell out the implications for you.

id also be wary about leaving the house to your brother- it doesn’t sound like he’d have it very long. It may also affect any benefits he has. He is probably more secure in a council house and repairs and upkeep will be paid for him.

if I was your mother, I’d consider leaving the house to both of you but your brother has lifelong tenancy.but there are problems with that too.

This is the thing, we are fairly new on the Mortgage, we haven't owned long, so we have very little equity.

On a week on week finances, my brother has more spare cash than we do......spare cash to spend on what i would term as luxury items

Yknow above I mentioned about buying trainers and avoiding the Bills - well I am the other way round, if i dont pay my bills it bothers me, and I shop in charity shops cos i cannot afford much else

But I dont mean to sound like im having a dig at my Brother, he really is a fab person and addiction isn't a choice for him

I do not think he has a fun life - I would not like to be in his head

Being an addict IS a choice!
Having cancer isn’t a choice, being an addict absolutely IS a choice, and addicts choose initially to dabble for whatever reason, decide they like the effects, and become neuroadapted hence needing more for same effect.
If my DC was an addict, no way on Earth would I leave a house to be spaffed up the wall.

Addicts by their own efforts choose to not use drugs-
It’s not easy, but it’s all about choices.

My parents left everything equally which was great, and there was always an agreement that we would never fall out over money etc. subsequently one of my brothers who is much wealthier, helped me to buy a house for my daughter who has mental health problems. I was in two minds, and she has not managed to pay the nominal rent even. But having a small house and a garden has allowed her to develop her very good gardening skills and run a small gardening business. This has kept her relatively well. At the moment it is in our name but I am taking the decision to leave it to another younger member of the family with my daughter able to live there until she dies or needs care. I am worried that her controlling boyfriend would persuade her to sell it and she would lose this security. No doubt she will not like this decision but I do want to know she will always have somewhere to live. Though I have to say I don’t want it passed on by her to her fathers family ( if she made a will which is unlikely)
The point of saying all this is that sometimes hard decisions are taken in good faith. It is never good to fall out over inheritances, just be thankful you do not have to support your parents or brother financially. There will be something left for you as other posters have suggested. In any case care needs / costs often get subsumed in reducing amounts considerably. Might be better if all involved had a proper discussion together.

What positives do your narcissistic mum and enabler dad bring to your life?

I am sorry your mother has done this. So cruel. I think you should really cool the relationship with your parents, they’ve treated you very badly.

so basically hes the golden child-no having a mortgage isnt the great thing its made out to be you get no help and if something happens los your house

I can totally understand you being hurt and upset and yes it doesn’t seem fair.

but I can also understand your parents being worried sick about your brother, especially worried about not being about to help him after they’ve died and that leaving him money gives them peace of mind.

YOu sound an awesome Mum xx

Leaving him a house to sell and give the proceeds to crack and heroin dealers.

That’s really unfair of them. Children should be treated equally.

I’ve been significantly better off that my sister since late teens, as I finished my degree and got a grad placement at 21, whereas she started 3 different degrees at different universities and didn’t finish any. Then she bounced around several minimum wage different jobs before finally settling down in her mid-30’s.

I 100% expect equal treatment in our dad’s will. We both had the same opportunities and made different decisions.

Ok, read your other posts about your mum now and playing games around wills is certainly something a narc does. My gran cut my mum out her will. My mum cut me and my brother out of her will and left over half a million to random neighbours and people she barely knew.

before they died both of them used to love having conversations about their wills. Definitely to provoke a reaction, always asking for the person’s opinion. One week it’s I’m going to cut X out the will and leave it all to you, next it’s I’m going to leave it all to x and nothing to you. I never played the game. Guess I ultimately lost! 😁😂

Nothing - apart from Guilt and Anxiety (and not just over this situation, it's been the same since I was a kid)

Guilt for breathing, Guilt for existing, Guilt for ruining my mothers health for being born (sounds ridiculous, but the health thing is something i was accused of as a kid)

I just feel guilty. Not for anything I have done as such, but honestly i cannot quite put my finger on it.

THIS, EXACTLY.
My Gran cut all of her kids out of her will, which Mum never really got over it - and it is like she is intent on passing this pain along the generations

I do not like my Mother, as a person

a ‘fab brother’ would not disinherit you, @JoshuaTree36 if he received the house and didn’t insist on splitting it with you he is, in fact, a terrible brother

i would be removing myself from both parents lives, they sound awful

That is just my assumption. He could well see it as 'following parents last wishes' - I mean I could be way off base...but thats just my gut feeling, yknow

Being an addict is absolutely a choice..your choice to have that first toke, tab, etc. Everyone knows the potential consequences...apologies for hi jacking your post OP.

It’s hard but not unusual, you have what parents see as a happy and stable life, brother hasn’t got that.
After I had cooled down I think I would I would chat to mum and explain that he would just sell the house and spend the money on drugs, after all half the money pays for a lot of rent or even buys a small flat.

Beggars belief that a parent can treat their children like this. Utterly unfair and unloving

I agree with a lot of people here, your parents are being unreasonable and frankly favouring your brother. Nothing is a given in this life, things could happen, your situation could change massively and your health definitely will.

You are essentially being punished for making good choices whilst your brother (as lovely as he sounds) is getting rewarded for making bad ones. I would be as hurt as you are and feel like it could cause a lot of resentment in your family.

But all this is very redundant unless you are going to do something about it. Personally I would tell her how you are feeling. It is her right to do what she wants with the house but she should have to listen to the impact such a thoughtless decision has on you. Maybe if you find it hard to say in person, write it down and give it to her.

My adopted mum ( Married dad when my mum died)
had a deeply toxic mother.
I couldn’t see it as a child, but absolutely can now.
Her mother was vain, narcissistic, controlling and difficult.
Worshipped mum’s brother and his children with breathy awe.
Adopted mum was definitely the underdog.

We found out that the toxic mother had had tons of affairs, and boasted about them to her teenaged daughter “ But don’t tell your father “

That family is multigenerational fucked up emotionally family.
Talented, but difficult.
You choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.
Adoptive Mum is on holiday now with my brother

Mums do tend to gravitate to adult sons ?!

I feel so conditioned to burying my own feelings (for parents) these days that it actually causes me massive anxiety even thinking about writing a letter etc. I am not sure I can ever build up to that.

I know this sounds ridiculous, I am the least assertive person in the world, around my parents. I just go in to little kid mode - where I am to be seen and not heard and to keep my trap shut. There is so SO much left unsaid in our family and things that are brushed off

It is strange, as i am able to have proper adult relationships with other people, i always speak my mind to hubby.

In many ways my parents make me very nervous

OH defo.
My Mum has just never liked females
Never seen her with any female friends, ever.
Always an unkind remark about any other female she encountered

and this was the same for me, after i got to about age 13 with comments about appearance , weight, etc etc