Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

I would feel shocked and hurt.

And I don’t understand their thinking. Surely your brother would be able to buy a small flat with half the house value anyway.

I don’t think I would be able to continue a ‘normal’ relationship with my parents without being honest about how I felt. You are their daughter, they should be able to appreciate your emotional responses.

I would tell them that you respect any decoy they make etc, just as you have said here, but it has made you feel vulnerable and less supported because of your own factors. Just tell them you feel a bit sad.

ive only ever known people talk about wills to manipulate others.

Also talking about a will while people is in good health is laughable - life has a habit of getting in the way. People become sick- they may need nursing home care -half the inheritance can be swallowed up with care home costs. People can refinance / be scammed. Or decide to sell the home and go cruising . I’ve know all of those things to happen. So assuming ops parents are not likely to die shortly - talk about wills to other people is manipulative yes.

I'd be saying that's fine - but is it wise to leave it to brother as he'd not want to live there (due to the remoteness) and likely he'd spend the £££ from cashing it in on getting high and just waste it and he'd be worse off/potentially loose where he is. At least in a council property he gets full benefits if not working.

I think you should speak to them and have a fact based conversation.
You understand their concerns to provide for DB. It would be fairer/more practical to leave him sufficient for a 1 bed flat. You have health concerns and feel that this has not been factored in.

I would go back to your mum and tell her the truth about how you feel.
‘Hey mum, you took me by surprise the other day. Now I’ve had time to think about it, I want to be honest with you. I feel it’s really unfair. Nobody knows what the future holds for me - my condition may mean I’m not able to work much past 50 so won’t have a great pension to live off whereas my db will have a house handed to him on a plate. If it were me, I’d be splitting my estate equally between my children.’
But obviously you point out that it’s her choice and you will say no more on the matter. I’m surprised she doesn’t want your db to know about it - why did she tell you and not him?

I would be inclined to say that as much as you understand their need to provide for him splitting it 50/50 means if addiction or poor choices rears their head again you would be able to help and take care of him in their absence.

Same here op only I have a sister who has an addition.
It is me supporting my parents now in all ways including financially so now everything is sorted for them, they want to leave everything to my sister. Indirectly I'm setting her up for life too

Why are you supporting your parents financially if they have enough to set your sister up for life?

OP, if your brother knew, do you honestly think he would tell your mum to give half to you? Doubt it.

Sorry, bold fail on the quote.

I come from a family where there are very disparate situations.

As someone pretty comfortable with a decent job I would not mind but I understand the feelings.

Unequal inheritance issues are horrible and will sour your relationship with your whole family including your brother if not sorted out. On the plus side at least you are not yet at odds with your brother about it so it may still be possible to sort it out happily, although I do feel for you. My parents also tried to pass me over for similar reasons to yours, my sibling was always the hard done by golden child. It hurt me even as an adult to think that my parents could treat us so differently, and for me it seemed to represent all of those years of favouritism. In the end common sense prevailed and it is to be split 50/50 (unless there are surprises to be had in the future!)

However I think you need to speak with your parents and start telling them they truth about how you feel. You’ve told them to do what they feel is right, but you’ve not presented them with how you view your own life - would they really be favouring your brother if they knew about your fears for the future? Have you even said - do what you think is right, but I think that it is right that children should be treated equally and on top of that, I am worried about the future for my health, my relationship, and I also now worry that your decision will forever affect my relationship with my brother, your son, because I will and already do feel upset that you have favoured him despite all of my hard work? They might feel differently if they knew this? And if they don’t - well, that would be a real blow, but the point is that they haven’t heard your honest point of view yet. Tbh your response sounds a little passive aggressive and I’m not surprised your mum became defensive. I’d try and have a decent chat with her, although sounds like she’s not the easiest to speak with so you might need to manage the conversation very carefully or even write a letter which has been edited to be very neutral first.
Hopefully she will see sense! At least she seems to appreciate that your brother might not make the best use of his inheritance - otherwise presumably she might be more comfortable with him knowing about it already. In fact, if he knew about it, he might be arguing your case for you - has she thought about this too?
Hope it works out.

Another one that thinks you should speak to them about it and tell them how it makes you feel.

Don't waste this opportunity to tell your parents how upset you are by this, and why. Its possible they are being manipulated by your brother but no-one knows why some parents do this "levelling up" thing, to benefit the workshy, feckless child at the expense of the hard working organised one. Perhaps they are secretly communists. Once you've told them, either cut contact and tell them why or limit contact. Do not be drawn into providing free care for them when they need it!

I must admit wills are openly discussed in our family.

that said they’re also very equal.

How old are your parents? Maybe they are still young enough and in good health to not have thought about who will be helping care for them in old age.

Would you and your brother both help out when they need it or will it fall to you?

My parents were always independent but now need a lot of help in their mid-70s. I am there to do it but db lives away and rarely visits.

It might be worth a little reminder to them as it sounds like he wouldn’t be in a position to help out as much as you?

This is a really good point. If it all for the brother anyway, better not leave it in a way that he can consume it. I suppose they could look at leaving his half in trust, with OP as the administrator.

Unless there is more to this your parents just haven’t thought this through.

Have a proper conversation with them and obviously emphasise that you will always look out for your brother. In the circumstances it might actually be better to leave it all to you with provision made for him to be housed.

It can be hard making these decisions, just point out the facts.

I don't see it as manipulative in the slightest, if everyone knows in advance what the plan is. Then there is no expectation of anything otherwise!

My late dad said his house would always be split 50/50. Right up until his deathbed. By which time I had already found out he had signed 100% of the house over to my brother. It was the lies and secrecy (as well as the misplaced logic and loyalty) that killed my relationship with them.

My mum has been straight with us up front and even shown me her will. She has discussed options with me and asked how I feel about them. Ultimately it is her decision what she does, but at least I have had a chance to put my POV forwards whilst she's still alive!

You need to speak to them and tell them how you feel. Your mum did ask you

I think you should have a chat with your parents and raise some of the points in your OP, which they may genuinely not have thought about. You were caught on the hop before - it's reasonable to have another conversation now you've had a chance to think about it. It's their decision but they should understand your perspective too.

I'm with the posters who think it's better to have these conversations before the person dies. My parents have had open conversations with me and my brother about their wills (slightly complicated situation here, involving divorce and how step children should be treated).

Speak to your mother about a second option. Perhaps sell the family home and buy somewhere smaller for your DB to live. This frees up a sum for you (a percentage not necessarily half), so that you can help pay off your mortgage. If DMs mortgage is paid off this is a good compromise.

Talk to your DM about your health condition and your future and your need for a little extra support. There are ways around writing a will which may be fairer.

@JoshuaTree36
I would say you OK with it if he is going to live in the house, but on the other hand if he puts it up for sale it has to split between the two of you. Living in the house is one thing but selling and getting the lot is not on.

I would tell them that the conversation put you on the spot but although it is their money to do what they like with, you do feel upset about not being treated equally.

I think you should talk to her. If she didn't care how you felt she wouldn't have asked. I think you can have a calm rational conversation saying she should do what she thinks is right, and you're not looking to change her mind, but she asked how you feel so now you've had a chance to reflect you'd like to share that with her.

If you don't I think the unspoken feelings will sour your relationship which would be a real shame.

So he's being rewarded for his poor choices. The least they could is be fair to you both.

My parents have always been open about the fact that my two siblings and I will have equal share in their will and I have seen the will recently. My mother sometimes says she worries more about me financially than my siblings as they are both married with well-off partners and I am a single parent. I personally think it’s still fair to split it equally between us.