Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

I know how you feel. My DB also gets my parents house as he still lives there. My DF told me when he was alive that I would get a sum of money equivalent to what they paid. It was a council house they bought for £12k. My DM said she knows nothing about this and there was no will. I don't expect this as she doesn't have it but I felt pissed off for ages as I still rent and my DB gets a house to himself with no mortgage.

Hadtocomment · - I am not super rich. I earn barely more than min wage

If you are only in your 30s, then potentially you and your brother will be of retirement age by the time your parents pass away. What if they need nursing home care as they get older? The house will be used to fund that and there will be no inheritance to fight over.

If you and your brother are as close as you say, then stuff the secrecy and tell him. If he's a decent man, then he will offer to sell the house and share the profits equally, surely?

And if your brother inherits. Loses it all to debts. Then turns to you for help.... what then?

You may not wish to discuss this with her. But don't be drawn into her secrets. I would air it. She's surely not ashamed?

I'd be really upset about that, like he's being rewarded for his bad choices and lack of effort in life and I was being penalised for being a hard worker. If I was in your shoes I'd tell my mother how I felt about it.

I personally think the house should be split between the two of you. Just because you have your own house shouldn't make a difference at all. I'd be very annoyed about it and hurt.

Throughout your thread you minimise things and say that you are OK with everything etc. I'm wondering if you are a people pleaser or are afraid to get angry? Your mother caught you off guard and it was an important conversation but she was really sounding you out. I'm saying this to you in a way that hopefully will help you - so I am not having a go at you. If you keep minimising how you feel, keep making sure that everyone else is OK and not upset and dont show your anger then you are being passive in this situation and will allow the unfairness to persist.

Reading this everything is not OK. I think you should be rightfully raging. You dont have to make excuses for the situation - your parents are treating you unfairly so you have a choice to make - accept it and dont chew it over or push back and say 'Actually thats not OK, I think its unfair and here is why'...

I think I'd spend a bit of time with a Psychotherapist who works wih family dynamics to understand how you came to be the person you are - where did you learn to not upset the cart....sounds like overkill to go to therapy? I dont think so, I think you would get good insight and a strategy for assertively stating your needs without offseting what you have against what should be coming to you. Of course your parents can choose to leave whatever they want to whoever but your post reads as thought you are raging but afraid to let it out.

Me and my brother were the only beneficiaries of my parents estate.

We decided my brother would get the house and I would get the rest of the estate. I ended up totting it up and I actually owed my brother money.

You may find out your parents leave money in the bank, stocks/shares/ISAs, life insurance policy, pension and tax refunds that all mount up to a similar amount.

Looking at my own DC, I think I would do something similar to your parents. Giving your brother a home rather than cash would be life changing and may safeguard against having a lump sum to spend on his previous addictions.

I am sure your parents will leave you ok and are not cutting you out of their will.

'I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy'

No, no, no. This is power play - you cannot accept this. It has to be open discussion where you brother is allowed to make choices around what he wants but his choices should not impact your life. Secrets are not healthy and your mum is playing you into some really awful triangulation here. Don't allow it.

tbh if you're not going to address it with them, there's not much point in saying this but here goes.
Saying you were all right with it when you obviously weren't is too passive and silly.
So now I'd go back to my parents, together and say "This is unfair as you know, and you know it looks all kind of shitty which is why you want me to keep it secret. It shows you have no regard for me, and i will now act towards you accordingly."

And then leave it, but every time they want your help or attention, pass them to your brother.

it is shitty, but it is ultimately up to them what they do. But actions have consequences, and you really ought to tell them that.

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother
The OP was all about what the mother said, although there was mention of 'we'.
In view of the update (one of those types that do not like other females at ALL), can you discuss it with your father?
I don't see why you need to keep it secret from your brother.
Maybe if the two menfolk gang up on your mother, she might change her mind.

On a purely practical note which has nothing to do with what you asked, have you thought of saying to your parents that they might be enabling him to kill himself with his addictions? If they are doing this as they think he needs help then it might be quite the opposite. Maybe setting up some sort of trust would be a better route.

@JoshuaTree36
I’m horrified reading this.
An addict I knew was left a £400k house ( Today’s value would be a million) by his parents as he was in grim rented accommodation.
He spunked it ALL AWAY
Sold the house and blitzed through that on crack cocaine and heroin.
A complete disaster.

It’s completely unfair your parents should be doing this, grossly unfair.
I know I may not see a penny from inheritance myself- But in your situation, I’d be absolutely floored.

Your Bro surely would see that it’s unfair, too?

OP, you've said "Mum told me that they are planning to leave..." indicating that you have a Dad in the mix? Do you know what his individual thoughts are? Is he allowed to have a 'say' on who gets what (you mention everything has to be on your Mum's terms so I wonder if he a) knows and b) agrees)? Is it worth asking him discretely; would you be able to do that?

Personally, I would have reacted exactly the way you have...it's up to them at the end of the day what happens to their estate however keeping quiet about it is not OK. If your DB is regularly talking about his inheritance (bit strange unless your parents are very old/ill?) I would hazard a guess that he is already aware and is poking you to see how you react.

If he raises it again with you and it's a good opportunity to explore the issue, I would definitely be telling him that he'll end up with 100% of the property. Watch his reaction carefully but I bet he already knows.

A trust would be much safer- See previous post of mine re addict left a house.

Reading your update about your mum changes everything.

Where is your Dad in this? Presumably enabling it.

What do you want the future to look like? There's no particular need to have a relationship with her, if that's how she is.

I choose to stay in relationship with mine because I feel sorry for her. I don't like her.

Honestly, my Dad is the biggest 'Yes man' you can imagine.

In that house, whatever Mum says, is law - he never pushes back, ever. Talking to him would not even get any response other than 'you know how your mother is...'

YANBU. It is possible she spoke to you because she knows she is being unfair and wanted your blessing. You can point out the unfairness and not give your blessing and still leave it at 'it's up to you'.

When my DM asked what I thought about her plans (ridiculously complicated and ill thought through) I just told her what DH and I have done (split equally between DCs) then left her to it. I know one of my DBs is trying to heavily influence her to cut out other DB.

Ultimately she will do what she wants but I suspect she will have cut out both DBs and me and gone direct to her GCs (which has complications in itself).

We have been very open with our DCs (all adults). They know where copies of our wills are kept. They know who executors are. I plan to make a summary of all our different life insurances and pension funds etc so that once I am unable to explain they will know where to find things.

You are absolutely right @ThisisMax

I am defo a people pleaser. Was brought up to learn that my thoughts and feelings do not matter, as long as Mum is happy. (which i know as an adult, is obviously very unhealthy)

You are absolutely spot on with everything you say.

@JoshuaTree36
Just read your updates.
My goodness, your mother sounds difficult and vindictive-
What a horrible situation for her to spite you in this way.
Some mothers really seem to prefer sons to daughters, as if the daughter is in some way a rival and a threat.

Your brother sounds like he knows, bet your mother has told him he’s getting the house.
The house, depending on location, could be a very valuable asset.
In France, you cannot disinherit your children entirely-
Too many parents use Inheritance as a powerful lever in UK as property here is so ridiculously expensive.

what does your father have to say about this-i dont like the keep it secret thing-is it because she knows your brother wont be pleased and will want to give you half

Yep, Dad is a huge enabler, he always has been.
I could tell a lot of stories, but I just think the above, pretty much sums it up - and I don't want to bore anyone HAHA

I hate how people on here are saying that being an addict is a choice. Who would choose that?

I don’t always think it’s fair to split inheritances equally. When one person is struggling to survive and their sibling is wealthy and likely to spend their share on fancy holidays, I think that’s unfair. But in this case I think the only way is to split 50/50 because you don’t own your home outright and there should be enough for your brother to at least buy a flat. However this depends on how much equity you have. If you have lots of equity then it may be appropriate for him to have a bit more.

I think it could be wise to secretly discuss this with your brother. Don’t let your parents damage your relationship. My mum has wrecked most of our family relationships with all her stupid secrecy and manipulation.

Although my Brother is a lovely person - I am pretty certain he would not split it. When he has money he is quite materialistic, ie buys £150 trainers but won't pay his gas bill

There is no way he would chose to split it. And I would not ask or expect it either.

In fact I feel like the family doormat.

Thanks guys, this is actually helping just talking to folk about this

100% speak to them now. I was unexpectedly on the receiving end of a very unequal inheritance division and I wish I’d had the chance to speak to them about it.