Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

I too would go back & tell them, that you feel its unfair, but it seems that DB's mental health, addictions, bad life choices are being rewarded, & being suddenly loaded may actually send him back down the drug route.
He is housed, & you have a mortgage, he is actually better off than you, & you have inherited their illness that will affect your life, children & possibly even husband.
Say that it's DB that will need to cover all their old age needs, as you are OUT
They don't value you, they don't love you, & you are not their whipping boy,
They can give your golden boy brother their money.

Tell your DB what your parents are planning. Only fair he should know that you have absolved yourself of any responsibility for sorting their long-term care and that it will fall to him.

Then just carry on your life, Your mother will still call you for help, you just tell her your fee per hour

I would tell your brother what they are planning. See what he thinks, he may split it all with you ? Talk them out of it? But if get his view on the situation.

@violinist64

Firstly, what I said in my previous post was in no way whatsoever "boasting", I was simply stating facts, anyone who has anything in life and wants to leave it to someone else after their death, has the right to leave whatever they want, to whomever they choose, having common genes DOES NOT mean you have a RIGHT to dictate what anyone else does with THEIR money and/or property.
Also, in answer to your extremely rude comments that were a personal attack on me, unless you know someone's personal circumstances, you're not in the position of being able to say, as you did, that they or in this case, I am "incredibly spiteful and nasty".
I won't go into too much detail because it's actually no-one's business but ours but my eldest did something against his brother and myself many years ago that resulted in us having nothing to do with him for over 10yrs. When we did make contact, I told him in no uncertain terms that yes, I love him, always have and always will BUT I don't like the things he'd done.
These days we text on birthdays and xmas but no more than that because we've agreed to disagree about so very much.
On one occasion my younger son spoke to him about me, my failing health and funeral plans etc and he made it clear that even if I made provision for him in my will, he wouldn't accept it, so much so, I took out a savings insurance policy for him when he was 2yrs old that should have paid out when he was 21 but 12yrs beyond that time, he's still not claimed it and said that he never will.
So, with all that in mind, I'm not going to subject my younger son to all the hassle that his brother's refusal to accept anything will cause him, so it's easier to write into my will that he will be getting nothing and that is because he himself has said he doesn't want it. My younger son does know that if he chooses to offer him something and he accepts it, I wouldn't have a problem with it but it's highly unlikely that that would happen, so it's easier to write him out.
So before you call me selfish or nasty and say my child has "never been loved", get your facts right.

@Harmonypuss l am sorry you found my remarks hurtful and, indeed you are right about whether you include someone in a will or not. As you have given us a further explanation l can appreciate why you have taken the course of action that you have. I think your original posts gave the wrong impression as they were somewhat bald and the OP was talking about the fairness or otherwise of bequests. Most people on the thread were talking about the feelings, whether justified or not, of how she and they were seen in their families. It sounds as if you have had a difficult time with your oldest child and l am truly sympathetic.

@violinist64

I understand that anyone can have and share their opinions on this forum and therefore, I just shared mine. I understand that there will always be people that don't agree with others' opinions and that's fine.
By saying what I did about my own will, I was merely trying to point out that you can't expect to be able to dictate to your parents what you think they should do with their money, I know that if my sons tried that with me (which I know they wouldn't), I'm the sort of person to say "sod it, I'll take as much equity as possible out of my house and spend it on myself, then they won't get anything", I've never been good at being told what to do and i definitely wouldn't take that attitude from my kids.
Yes, some people might feel aggrieved that their parents choose to deal with their estate in the ways they choose but as I said in my last post, your genes don't guarantee you anything, nor should they. My best friend has no children of her own but she does have a brother and 2 nephews who she could bequeath cash or her house to but she's chosen not to and has written her will to say it's all going to charity, again, her choice, not anyone else's business.
I shouldn't have needed to go into detail to justify my actions but then again, I guess this forum has a lot to do with that, but thank you, once some details of my situation were made public, you weren't so set on your previous allegations of me being less than a caring parent but as I've said, I shouldn't have needed to explain myself, I was simply pointing out that anyone can do whatever they please with their cash and belongings and it's about time that everyone's adult children learnt this and stopped feeling so entitled and expecting to be beneficiaries.

I'm usually very much of the opinion it's their money and therefore their choice what they do with it. It sounds to me like they have a child they end up bailing out a lot (for what are very genuine reasons) and one who's proven themselves to be self sufficient. I'm guessing your parents are getting older and are really starting to worry about what will happen to your brother long term when they aren't around to help and keep an eye and they are thinking of this as an option that will give them peace of mind. I think it's a difficult position you're all in, I see why you'd be hurt and upset- I also see why your parents might feel like it's the best choice they can make given the circumstances they have infront of them right now. I think for the sake of your relationship you maybe need to go back to them and explain how it's made you feel but when it's their money to spend as they see fit I'm not sure id have responded any differently than you have already. I genuinely don't get the sense that they think less of you or are wanting to be hurtful- they're probably incredibly proud of the person you've become, they're just really worried about what the future looks like for their other child. Plus they're just floating an idea - they might not even go through with that if the time came but I think it's their decision to make.

First there's the assumption there will be a house to leave. Completely possible that your parents will need to sell it to pay for their care at some point.

Secondly, yes it's unfair and that should be mentioned. I would suggest a compromise where you both inherit equally but Bro gets a lifetime option to live in the house and dealing with all maintenance. That way should he remarry and divorce again he could sell you his half or you both could sell and both get your share.

The issue with your view point realityTV that one child is inherently weaker than the other is that people do NOT stay the same forever.
They develop serious illness, get divorced, lose houses and security, get made redundant and all the rest that life hurls at you throughout a life time.

The 'weaker child' may end up in the strongest position.

And that is why it is imperative to treat children fairly - the very act of showing them they both matter to you equally, and that you love them equally is more important than the actual money/inheritance.
Generations of damage are caused by doing anything else, mudding even the happiest of childhoods, memories and relationships.

Always be fair as a parent, if you achieve nothing else. Your legacy should never cause division, pain and hurt.

The inheritance should be 50/50 split. Tell brother the 'secret'. She is enjoying this way too much. Caring for Mum in her old age also 50/50 split. Defo point out the upside of how you're stepping back from daughter duties. She is a very toxic person and I would go NC.

This could affect your relationship with your parents in the future. I cannot understand why they wouldn't just split everything 50/50, if only to not cause any divisions between you. My gran did the same thing to her 5 children. All adults with their own families, they specified that the eldest four were to get £1000 each with the remainder of the estate left to the youngest who was in hos thirties at the time. He then flaunted his new found wealth despite the situation of his siblings who were not in great shape financially, especially my mother and went on a spending spree: new car, clothes, holidays etc. His actions then caused a massive rift and he was never spoken to again. I would definitely talk to your parents about this now.

I did read the ops posts, I was just pointing out to someone else by quoting their post and saying maybe they should do the same.

I’m sorry you feel upset and that this is unfair but I personally wouldn’t be upset, I’d be glad to know my sibling who is an addict will have a safe secure future but I think I would suggest to my parents that they might make me (not sure of the actual title) the legal guardian of the house so the bother couldn’t sell it for a fix , I don’t know the details but something like that and a stipulation that, if ever needed/wanted, I/you will always be welcome and have a room there :)
I would definitely not moan or put all my emotions onto my parents saying “it’s not fair” or something because they did ask you and give you the opportunity to say something and it’s their house and their decision and I dare guess they don’t worry about your future in the same way as your brother x

Who’s toxic? Her mum? “She is enjoying this way too much”? Mmm yeah

Perhaps they think the brother, an addict, is the one who needs looking after the most. Why anyone thinks it’s their business how their parents divide their assets upon death I don’t really understand but it strikes me as very entitled. It’s the parents house to leave to whoever they like, be it one child, split evenly between all siblings, given to charity or anything else, it’s nothing to do with the recipients until it’s actually received, but thinking it’s only right to split it evenly is just your opinion but irrelevant as everyone decides what is fair for themselves. Expectations only lead to disappointment.
People feel so entitled these days. Personally I think when people start coming towards the end they should cash in their assets and live it up! It’s money they’ve earned by working hard all of their lives (usually) and, imho, I think they deserve to splash the cash and spoil themselves! If it was me I’d take all of my nearest and dearest on holiday together and really enjoy it making memories ❤️

Thanks everyone who has replied to this and given different points of view.
It is all very helpful.

I took a few days away as the talk of it all was making me feel kind of down and I just wanted to process my own thoughts

To anyone who thinks it all sounds entitled, I don't feel entitled to anything of monetary value. It isn't the cash£, that is the real bug bear for me, it is, once again, the feeling of being lesser than - just basically less valued - and that money being weaponised to make this point. This makes me feel sad.

There are a lot of instances of this, and at this point I did type a long paragraph but realised it was too identifying for me to not feel anxious with , after submitting lol.

I think the feeling of being less valued, has been a thread running through my life to some degree. From a young age, many more opportunities were given to my Brother than me, such as further education for example. There have been a hell of a lot of financial bail outs, and fresh starts, and that was before any addiction issues came along.

Mother never really liked other females. she had no female friends, and she did not get on well with her own Mother or Sisters. Mother made me feel like an absolute dirt bag when I started my period, just things like that. I would never ask her for money for sanitary wear,- as she was unwilling to give it - so I got a paper round. Mother used to call all my teenage friends 'Slags', things like that, I hated it, and early on realised something was seriously amiss

Sometimes I feel I should write a book as my family dynamic sounds absolutely weird to anyone, and many people with my Mother would have gone NC a long time ago. There is an awful lot I could type about her to illustrate this, but I would be concerned to post anything too identifying

I am already pretty low contact with my parents, but this has been entirely instigated by them. - Their choice.

Anyway I just thought I would come back and thank every one for taking the time to respond. I entirely think my parents should do whatever they jolly well want and even if I were to say I was unhappy, It wouldn't change anything at this point in time

OH and I know, I sound like I need counselling - this is something I have already had, twice - (not due to the inheritance question though) - but to do with other family garbage, ie some of the other stuff I have spoken about

I do feel grateful for my life though, I have a fab husband who is also my best pal

Thanks again everyone.

Good luck op your parents especially your mum don't deserve you and sounds like she has no respect and little love even.

I'm glad you have people in you life that really love you they are what makes real family. It's only money, so I get it's not about that it about the seemingly deliberate favouritism and hurt. Children should never be treated like that.

The only way I not give an equal inheritance to one child over the other that they turned in to someone truly evil as an adult. Maybe also another but more pleasant reason, if they had so much money and ended up very wealthy and compared to the other sibling and they really didn't need it, it would be a small amount to them. I make sure they would inherit something that meant value to them though, sentimental stuff like jewelry, and discuss this with them before deciding to.

@JoshuaTree36 if you haven't visited already or are already on there you should take a look at this thread. A lot of what you have just said has been said by others on there so you are not alone 💐 www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=10&reply=119910064

It sounds like a really upsetting situation, and understandably so. I think you should talk to your mum about these feelings, maintaining the stance that the decision is up to her but just making it out in the open so you're not having secret feelings of resentment. This will probably not change her behaviour, but may help deal with the feelings arising from it. I'm really sorry you have a mother who sounds like she's horrible to you.

But PRACTICALITIES
This should not be a secret from your brother. Aside from anything, if he's living in a council flat, I suspect maybe in receipt of benefits, getting a sudden windfall of money could genuinely be harmful to him. Lots of benefits will not pay out to someone with over £6k in assets. I don't know if you're allowed to own a house and live in a council house but it should be checked into. Is your brother stable enough to handle that kind of financial influx? Getting a large amount of money all at once can sometimes throw someone into extremely dangerous territory with drug use, especially at times of emotional vulnerability, such as dealing with the death of a parent.

How does your brother feel about all of this? If he is a good friend to you, you might want to look into options together and then talk to her as a pair.
I'd look into options like setting up a family trust with you and your brother as the allowed beneficiaries, and the will going into the trust.
Always look into how these things will affect benefit situations though.

Not sure she did handle the conversation well, as she lied by not saying how she felt. Understandable, as she was put on the spot. Perhaps when we get put in positions like this, it would be good to remember to say something like: "That's a surprise! I'm feeling overwhelmed and need to think about my response. I'll get back to you asap." Sounds textbooky, but you need to buy time in situations like this!

I think her parents are putting her in a horrible position, btw.