AIBU for not going to my sisters wedding or paying for it?

[maxaten]

I have three sisters. Sister 1 is 35. She’s the main one here so I refer to her as Catherine. My other sisters 2 and 3 as ages 27 and 29. I am 34. Our dad died when I was 17. As I was his only son and older the younger two I took on a sort of fatherly roll for them in certain situations. One of them being my sisters weddings. When my sister 2 and 3 got married I walked them both down the aisle and gave them away. I also paid for their weddings.

Meanwhile Catherine has always said her entire life that she never wanted to get married and was anti-marriage so it never came up. Until last month when my sister announced that she is getting married. She and her fiancé have apparently already picked a wedding date (they want a winter wedding on the same day they first started dating). They have also already booked their venue and caterers. She is expecting me to reimburse her the costs.

The thing is my wife and I are expecting twins. We hadn’t wanted to tell our families until far later in the pregnancy because it is high risk. My wife and I also live in the states. Given that she would be heavily pregnant by the date of the wedding I do not want to be halfway across the word in a different country from her. Also due to the many upcoming expense we are expecting I will also not be able to afford to pay for Catherine’s wedding.

For those above reasons my wife and I agreed it would be okay to let Catherine in on secret about the pregnancy so she would know that I wouldn’t be able to be there or contribute much to the costs.

Catherine did not take it well at all. She says I am being unfair and playing favorites like always ( I think she says that because I looked after them more because they were younger). She says I should have planned better by telling everyone sooner about the pregnancy and that I should have had money set aside for her wedding because they can’t afford the wedding themselves and she probably won’t be able to get her deposits back. She also says that since my wife's due date isn't for another month after the wedding that it shouldn't even be an issue. She is now saying she will cut me off if I don’t treat her equally as our other sisters and come to the wedding as well as pay for it.

AIBU?

You aren’t being unreasonable to not go.

neither are you being unreasonable not to pay BUT given you paid for your other siblings I can see why your sister isn’t impressed.

I think you need to remind her that you’re not her father and that, as the oldest, she didn’t pay for the younger two’s weddings (or yours) and maybe should have if she wanted this to be a reciprocal thing, so hasn’t a leg to stand on here.

Oh that is tricky, did Catherine get some money instead of a wedding or was it just unspoken that you paid for the weddings. It’s really bad timing but I can see why she feels she has been treated unfairly, even though it should have been discussed before booking anything

Were you left more inheritance than your sisters when your father died ? Why did you pay for your other sisters’ weddings ?

YANBU in principle but you did make a rod for your own back by paying for your other sisters' weddings. Catherine should have asked you first and shouldn't be losing her shit over the pregnancy etc, but given that you happily paid for your other sister's weddings I can see why she imagined you'd pay for hers as well. She's in the wrong, but it's one of those where I can see how the problem has arisen.

Is your family ultra-conservative/traditional? I can't imagine most families expecting a brother to pay his sister's weddings just because they were the only man in the family. Do you have a mother? If so, why didn't she pay/isn't she paying?

I think you're both being unreasonable so can't vote either way!
I don't think you can do that sort of thing for two of them and not the other, no matter how vocal she might have been about not wanting to get married people are entitled to change their mind. But she's also being highly unreasonable in not consulting you before going ahead and booking things.

Catherine is just going to have to deal with it, and you need to accept that you will probably no longer have a relationship with her.

tough 1

How/why were you able to pay for the other weddings?

Was your father's estate split equally between you all?

Catherine probably should have nicely asked if you would be able to contribute before she started planning, so in that way it's kind of her fault for assuming.

On the other hand I can see why she DID assume.

Can you afford to reimburse her slowly over time? so for example if she put some of it on a credit card you could help her pay that back over the months?

I think she should have contacted you to discuss the wedding and plan any kind of budget with you before paying any money out.

Although you've very kindly paid for your other sister's weddings, if it were me I wouldn't automatically assume you'd pay for mine. Financial and personal circumstances are always changing, which means that whilst you had the funds then, it doesn't mean you have them now. (Especially with costs of living rising).

If you paid for the other weddings, you’re unreasonable not to pay for (or at least contribute to) this one. Do you think your father would have wanted that?

Not going is understandable though.

Can you involve the younger two in contributing? I don't think you should have to pay for four weddings and they pay for none of it. In terms of coming over normally a month before should be ok but with twins maybe not. It is a shame she didn't involve you earlier in the plans. Did your other sisters involve you before the bank cheque was needed?

Don't go, but try to make some financial contribution. She can keep the venue and cut her guest list to save on costs. And if she was counting on funding from you, she really should have checked before putting down deposits.

@2DemisSVP None of us received any inheritance. Everything (which wasn't much) went to our mother. She used the money to take care care of bills and such.

I paid for their weddings because it just felt like the right thing to do at the time. They both got married young and didn't have much. Being older I was more set in my career. I know if my dad had still been alive he and my mom would have and would have been able to pay for it.

Her demanding that you pay is very distasteful. But I’m sure I’d feel pretty second class to you if you’d paid for 2 full weddings for the others but given her anything. I actually find it weird that you even paid for the other 2… but that was your choice, you set the scene.

Was it a similar amount for each of their weddings?

OP, congratulations on your wife's pregnancy and sorry that you find yourself in this difficult situation.

I also lost a parent young and tried to compensate for the loss to my much younger sibling, so I feel for you and really respect what you've been able to do for your younger sisters.

However, I can see why Catherine is upset; she has assumed you would play that father role for her and it's not unreasonable that she's upset to be told no. The huge issue though is that she herself isn't being kind, loving or thoughtful towards you in her demands of you and in not considering the logistic and financial considerations of your wife's pregnancy. If she can't be happy for you and give you the time and space that you need, then she's not someone who values you enough to get her wedding paid for by you!

I don't have much sympathy for Catherine - my husband and I paid for our own wedding and as a result we had it at a scale and venue that we could afford. It was a great day and people we loved were there and it was perfect for us - so she should not have paid non-refundable deposits for a wedding she couldn't afford without first checking in with you, that's madness. If she were my friend I'd be telling her to send you a card of congratulations for your pregnancy and to work out an affordable plan for the wedding, which is not hard to do.

But if she's upset about you not walking her down the aisle, and feeling that she needs a surrogate father there, then I have a bit more sympathy for that - still she should be working with you and your constraints though and not making threatening ultimatums about cutting you out...

Hope it works out somehow. Best of luck.

Same tbh. I think your mistake was paying for any of the weddings.

@10HailMarys My mother couldn't pay she doesn't have a lot of money herself. My dad was the main earner.

She shouldn't have gone ahead and booked the wedding without speaking to you first

The whole scenario is a bit bizarre. It must have been heart breaking to have lost your father so young. While it seems reasonable for you to have been a maple role model for them, it is odd that you took on financial responsibilities for your younger sisters’ weddings unless you were left an outsized inheritance or the like. If there wasn’t some kind of sex-based privilege (better schooling, inheritance, support into a career, etc.) that put you in a better place to provide I would perhaps be telling Catherine that actually I was disappointed she didn’t help with paying for her sisters’ weddings or mine given she was the older sibling and that I felt she’d completely dropped me in it and abandoned her responsibilities.

If you couldn’t pay for ALL of the weddings you shouldn’t have paid for ANY of the weddings.

Fucking Hell, some of you on here are as bat shit as the bride to be. Of course you don't have to pay for her wedding, yes you did for your sisters, but that was when you could afford it, now you can't, you have way more obligations towards your wife and unborn twins now. Your sisters nose is out of joint, so what, that was her fault for declaring she'd never want to be married and then going behind your back and booking shit before she'd even asked you, tough fucking cookies for her, it's called life.l, get over it. I wouldn't bother turning up if she's going to be a selfish cow like that.