AIBU for not going to my sisters wedding or paying for it?

[maxaten]

I have three sisters. Sister 1 is 35. She’s the main one here so I refer to her as Catherine. My other sisters 2 and 3 as ages 27 and 29. I am 34. Our dad died when I was 17. As I was his only son and older the younger two I took on a sort of fatherly roll for them in certain situations. One of them being my sisters weddings. When my sister 2 and 3 got married I walked them both down the aisle and gave them away. I also paid for their weddings.

Meanwhile Catherine has always said her entire life that she never wanted to get married and was anti-marriage so it never came up. Until last month when my sister announced that she is getting married. She and her fiancé have apparently already picked a wedding date (they want a winter wedding on the same day they first started dating). They have also already booked their venue and caterers. She is expecting me to reimburse her the costs.

The thing is my wife and I are expecting twins. We hadn’t wanted to tell our families until far later in the pregnancy because it is high risk. My wife and I also live in the states. Given that she would be heavily pregnant by the date of the wedding I do not want to be halfway across the word in a different country from her. Also due to the many upcoming expense we are expecting I will also not be able to afford to pay for Catherine’s wedding.

For those above reasons my wife and I agreed it would be okay to let Catherine in on secret about the pregnancy so she would know that I wouldn’t be able to be there or contribute much to the costs.

Catherine did not take it well at all. She says I am being unfair and playing favorites like always ( I think she says that because I looked after them more because they were younger). She says I should have planned better by telling everyone sooner about the pregnancy and that I should have had money set aside for her wedding because they can’t afford the wedding themselves and she probably won’t be able to get her deposits back. She also says that since my wife's due date isn't for another month after the wedding that it shouldn't even be an issue. She is now saying she will cut me off if I don’t treat her equally as our other sisters and come to the wedding as well as pay for it.

AIBU?

If your sister feels like you always play favourites, and from the other things you’ve said, it sounds like you have played favourites tbh

Looking after your younger siblings, who weren't even teenagers when their dad died, is not playing favourites.

Catherine is the eldest sibling. She should have felt some responsibility to look after all her younger siblings, including her brother - not demand money from him.

35 is old not to be an adult. She blew her chances of your paying for her wedding by telling everyone she would never marry and then taking it for granted you would have money for her to make nonrefundable deposits on the wedding without consulting you.

The nonsense of you "should have told her earlier" about your pregnancy is just that. It is nobody else's business when you choose to tell people and nobody's fault you are expecting twins when she is getting married. Also it's really grudging to take the shine off your exciting news. She should be an adult and take the world as it is, and less personally.
Obviously I am curious as to whether she paid for your wedding.

No, you won't be able to attend the wedding. I have to say, I can't understand why you paid for your sisters' weddings. Given that you did, I think you should make some financial gesture - a generous gift - while making clear that you cannot afford to pay any more due to your current circumstances. At least you won't be paying to go to the wedding.

How much is Catherine asking for, and can you scrape together some of it to keep the peace?

You absolutely cannot attend, and she should not be upset with you about that.

She is also being unfair about the money side but I sort of think you set yourself up for it a bit.

What do your younger sisters think about it all?

It's almost like a Jane Austen.

Tell all your sisters, at that same time, that your wife is pregnant and your financial situation has changed.

Suggest openly that all three of you contribute £3k to Catherine.

Tell Catherine that you won't be leaving your pregnant wife behind so won't be able to attend.

Let Catherine get on with it.

I can not believe these posts suggesting he give anything. I'd rip mu husband a new arsehole if he trued to give his demanding bitch sister money like this.

Also you are not her father. You could like either or both of your sisters more than you like her. You don't have to even pretend you don't have favourites. I think many many siblings have favourites and that's quite different from parents.

Surely if you expect someone to pay for your wedding you would have a discussion with them about budget before booking things? So she is definitely BU.

Equally, as soon as she announced her engagement you should have made it clear you would not be paying.

She should have checked the date with essential guests before booking.

I don’t have much sympathy for her on the budget. Expecting parents to pay for a wedding is very old-fashioned. Even if you were able to pay for the wedding, that would mean she would need to plan something that you could afford. Instead, she just started booking which was very unwise.

She is NBU to feel upset, but YANBU to not pay or attend. Your financial and personal circumstances have changed. You cannot get yourself into debt to pay for her wedding. She should have spoken to you before she booked a single thing, to see if you could give her any money, but to just expect it is a bit sad.

You can't leave your wife a month before the due date, twins can often come early.

Do the other sisters have any money? Would any of you be able to give her anything at all towards it without ruining your finances? If not, then she just needs to suck it up, life changes, circumstances change and you just are not able to do it this time

Catherine is being an entitled madam.

You should make an effort to go but everything else - she is being ridiculous.

@PrinceOfPegging It did a bit. I looked it up before in my specific plan the max out of pocket for a regular birth without complications is $7,400. Which believe it or not actually lower than some other plans and lower than the average used to be. However given that her pregnancy is high risk with twin we are guessing that the final cost will be much more.

She is an entitled brat.

plus, she is older than you. Did she contribute to your wedding costs? If not, then she hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

the basic fact is you cannot afforded to pay and your first priority is your wife and unborn babies.

them is the facts, whether she likes them or not.

really strange for a woman of her age to expect a male relative to pay for her wedding. She needs to cut her cloth to suit her purse.

The other sisters won't cough up, you won't have to, and she can then fall out with all of you or none of you, her choice.

Did Catherine contribute money towards your wedding? I’ll guess no. She can pay for her own wedding the cheeky woman. It’s the 21st century people!!

Maybe your younger sisters should split the cost with Catherine instead of all these grown women getting their weddings for free 🤔

@TrashyPanda grest minds think alike!!

I find it a bit odd that you paid for your younger sisters' weddings - they're not THAT much younger than you, in terms of you taking on a fatherly role. And I say that as someone whose only sibling is 6 years younger than me.

However, the fact that your OLDER sister is now demanding thousands of pounds for her wedding is bizarre. I can't imagine ever doing that as a grown, functioning adult and she's older than me!

Tell her to get a grip.

She was silly and hasty to book a wedding she couldn’t afford based on the assumption you would pay.

She needs to realise life has moved on since you paid for the other weddings. You have a family of your own now and financial commitments, your wife and children come first.

In your position I wouldn’t pay (maybe a token eg a set amount towards the dress if you can afford it). I am not sure if I would go or not, it’s a hard one. With only a month to go your wife could easily go into labour especially with twins. If I went it would be a very short visit just for the wedding.

Can't see why she can't pay herself, she being older than yourself and sisters didn't contribute financially (assuming so), so why should she get upset.

It’s mean to give two of your sisters a gift and not give the same gift to your third sister. Regardless of whether that gift is a wedding or something else. If you had a sum of money you were planning to spend on your sisters it should have been split three ways. For this reason I think your other two sisters should put their hands in their pockets and each give Catherine 1/3 the cost you paid for their weddings. So each sister has received an equal amount.

You sound absolutely lovely OP. It was a lovely thing to pay for the weddings and now you can’t for this one- because hey circumstances change. She should have spoken to you first. It was very entitled and presumptuous to book things without speaking to you. It smacks of her taking you for granted.

I'm absolutely shocked the anyone on this thread things you should contribute anything.

You did a very nice thing for your younger sisters when you could afford to and your circumstances were different.

You made no commitment to fund her wedding at any stage. Her assumption is her mistake and nothing to do with you. She didn't check, didn't mention anything, it's all on her.

I find it astounding that a 35 year old women expects her brother to pay for her wedding at all. Not only that she appears to have a total lack of respect for your current position.

Any of your earning now are family earnings, both you and your wife. Medical care in the States is far more expensive than in Europe. You have twins to provide for (even the most of their weddings in time).

She is beyond entitled and completely lacks empathy.

I understand both sides. She feels like she’s being left out and that you don’t care as much for her as you do for your other sisters. I guess she always expected you to contribute to her wedding like you did for the other two. She isn’t being unreasonable for thinking that but she is being a little unreasonable for her reaction. Right now she’s hurting, she feels like you don’t care, not only did you say you can’t pay but you can’t attend and she’s hurt by that.
Of course you cannot attend, you can’t leave your heavily pregnant high risk wife at that time. You don’t know how she will be feeling at that stage and if she goes into labour and you’re not there, you will be devastated. It’s not unreasonable for saying no to her requests. You have an awful lot of expenses coming your way very soon so of course need the money for it.

You need to talk to your sister and explain again that you are not doing anything to intentionally upset her. Explain it would mean the world for you to be there and walk her down the aisle but it’s too risky to be away from your wife and she can’t travel at that stage of her pregnancy.
Would your younger sisters be able to contribute in anyway? It might be nice for them tk support her like you supported them.
failing that, she will need to downscale the wedding or choose another venue that is more affordable to her. Really she should have asked you before assuming and booking it in the first place.

Whys it mean? He's not a parent he can pick his favourites and do what he likes.