AIBU for not going to my sisters wedding or paying for it?

[maxaten]

I have three sisters. Sister 1 is 35. She’s the main one here so I refer to her as Catherine. My other sisters 2 and 3 as ages 27 and 29. I am 34. Our dad died when I was 17. As I was his only son and older the younger two I took on a sort of fatherly roll for them in certain situations. One of them being my sisters weddings. When my sister 2 and 3 got married I walked them both down the aisle and gave them away. I also paid for their weddings.

Meanwhile Catherine has always said her entire life that she never wanted to get married and was anti-marriage so it never came up. Until last month when my sister announced that she is getting married. She and her fiancé have apparently already picked a wedding date (they want a winter wedding on the same day they first started dating). They have also already booked their venue and caterers. She is expecting me to reimburse her the costs.

The thing is my wife and I are expecting twins. We hadn’t wanted to tell our families until far later in the pregnancy because it is high risk. My wife and I also live in the states. Given that she would be heavily pregnant by the date of the wedding I do not want to be halfway across the word in a different country from her. Also due to the many upcoming expense we are expecting I will also not be able to afford to pay for Catherine’s wedding.

For those above reasons my wife and I agreed it would be okay to let Catherine in on secret about the pregnancy so she would know that I wouldn’t be able to be there or contribute much to the costs.

Catherine did not take it well at all. She says I am being unfair and playing favorites like always ( I think she says that because I looked after them more because they were younger). She says I should have planned better by telling everyone sooner about the pregnancy and that I should have had money set aside for her wedding because they can’t afford the wedding themselves and she probably won’t be able to get her deposits back. She also says that since my wife's due date isn't for another month after the wedding that it shouldn't even be an issue. She is now saying she will cut me off if I don’t treat her equally as our other sisters and come to the wedding as well as pay for it.

AIBU?

@Holly60 I'm not sure. My wife and I still have a lot of financial stuff to figure. Being that we live in the states we are expecting to have a lot of medical debt to pay off after the birth along with other child expenses.

Not attending is fair enough- twins often arrive early, but as you paid for 2 if seems unfair. It's perfectly reasonable to only pay a portion though if her request is far out of proportion to her sisters' weddings.

She's older than you, I think she's being ridiculous for what it's worth, rude & entitled.

Did she not contribute anything to her younger sisters' weddings? Did your mother not contribute anything either ? Why on earth does she think you should pay for an older sister's wedding? Bizarre

Why did anyone pay for the younger sisters weddings then? And who is paying for OP's the whole thing seems unfair on OP. Also while nice of OP to have done the sisters coule have paid for their own wedding.

@KnowtheBand When they got married I was still single and had a lot of disposable income.

None of us got any inheritance. Everything went to our mum. It wasn't much and she used that to pay for necessities.

There is no way she should have booked anything g without making sure you were okay with the date and cost if she expected you to be there, and pay for it. You have done nothing wrong.

I can see why she's upset

But at the same time expecting rather than asking first shows an entitlement that means YANBU

I would perhaps be telling Catherine that actually I was disappointed she didn’t help with paying for her sisters’ weddings or mine given she was the older sibling and that I felt she’d completely dropped me in it and abandoned her responsibilities
^
I think this is the perfect response.

Yanbu to not attend. She might not realise that twin births are often early.

However I can see why she's upset that you paid for your younger sisters but not her. It is a weird thing to do imo but I can see why being treated differently to her sisters has pissed her off. She shouldn't expect money from you but expecting to be treated like her younger siblings isn't usually unreasonable.

Tricky one.

I think it was very generous for you to pay for other two weddings, and I can sort of see how third sister assumed her wedding would be paid for as well. However, the money wasn’t inheritance, you’re not in a position to pay, and third sister always said she wasn’t going to get married.

she should have spoken to you before booking anything, and I don’t think you have to pay. Also, you wife and babies health come first. She won’t want to travel, and often twin pregnancies are shorter.

She should have asked if you could pay before booking anything!
twins can come early too!

It’s not the money that would upset me. It would be being treated to the others. Some of the suggested responses would ruin the relationship forever.

She's 35 - old enough to pay for her own wedding and to understand that circumstances change/helping younger siblings is different to bankrolling someone the same age as yourself.
Ask her if she's mature enough to get married, since she's behaving like a complete child!
Honestly, wash your hands of this childish shit - you have kids of your own to prioritise now!

Catherine is being ridiculous.

At the very least, if you expect someone else to pay for something, you check and confirm with them before you book it. She's been pretty stupid there. There was no guarantee you'd be willing or able to afford it even if you'd been able to afford your other sisters', and indeed you have a valid reason for not being able to afford it.

I don't think you are under any obligation to pay for Catherine's wedding, anyway. I mean, I don't think you were under any obligation to pay for any of your sisters' weddings, but it's understandable to have felt more protective of your younger sisters - because they're younger, not because they're women. If anything Catherine should have stepped up to her role as eldest sibling - rather than demanding her younger brother pays for her wedding.

I'm with this poster. You did a nice thing because you were the oldest brother, but you weren't the oldest sibling, who was doing nice things for you? It's not the 1890s where the oldest boy looks after all the family.

I might have some sympathy for your older sister if she'd come to you and explained she's changed her mind and asked if you could make a contribution but to book it, and expect you to pay after always saying she wouldn't get married? Completely out of order.

Congratulations on your news OP but yes, with twins in the US you really will have some big bills to pay and I doubt your DWs OB will sign her off to fly a month before the wedding regardless .

I agree. And then throwing emotional blackmail in would harden my resolve.

yep and a new poster too

Bat shit to book stuff she couldn’t afford and blackmail you if you don’t pay her back. Let her cut you off, she’s insane.

I hope the other two stick up for you. What have they had to say about things so far?

Congratulations on your twins.

I hope the other two stick up for you. What have they had to say about things so far?

Don’t you think that will make things worse? The two the brother loves more and paid for the wedding of standing up for him? How will that help?

Yep. It was a nice thought, but you were daft to pay for the first one if you couldn't be certain that you could pay for all three.

I agree with this. I think your massive mistake was paying for the other two sisters' weddings in the first place.

Catherine, however, shouldn't have made any assumptions and at least should have asked you first.

I'm amazed at the responses you're getting here, @maxaten. I think "Catherine" is being incredibly entitled and frankly a spoilt brat. How dare she assume that you would pay for her wedding without even talking to you about it.

Yes, you paid for your younger sisters' weddings, and that was very generous of you, but your relationship with them was clearly different in light of the age gap and the fact that you took on that fatherly role in a way that you clearly didn't with your older sister. Also, they got married much younger, whereas your dsis has had plenty of time to save up for her own wedding. Plus your own circumstances have changed.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, and it's totally unfair that you're now effectively getting punished for your previous kindness and generosity.

As for going to the wedding, I agree...best not to travel at such a late stage in a twins' pregnancy. It wouldn't be fair on your wife.

I'm honestly really surprised by all of the responses that are so sympathetic towards your dsis. Nobody should be that presumptuous about getting financial help from a sibling.

How much were your Dsis weddings?

Presumably they were fairly modest affairs if they got married young.

You shouldn't have to, but if you could afford to give her a cheque even for a couple of thousand then that may well have been equal to what you paid for each of the others.