AIBU for not going to my sisters wedding or paying for it?

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I have three sisters. Sister 1 is 35. She’s the main one here so I refer to her as Catherine. My other sisters 2 and 3 as ages 27 and 29. I am 34. Our dad died when I was 17. As I was his only son and older the younger two I took on a sort of fatherly roll for them in certain situations. One of them being my sisters weddings. When my sister 2 and 3 got married I walked them both down the aisle and gave them away. I also paid for their weddings.

Meanwhile Catherine has always said her entire life that she never wanted to get married and was anti-marriage so it never came up. Until last month when my sister announced that she is getting married. She and her fiancé have apparently already picked a wedding date (they want a winter wedding on the same day they first started dating). They have also already booked their venue and caterers. She is expecting me to reimburse her the costs.

The thing is my wife and I are expecting twins. We hadn’t wanted to tell our families until far later in the pregnancy because it is high risk. My wife and I also live in the states. Given that she would be heavily pregnant by the date of the wedding I do not want to be halfway across the word in a different country from her. Also due to the many upcoming expense we are expecting I will also not be able to afford to pay for Catherine’s wedding.

For those above reasons my wife and I agreed it would be okay to let Catherine in on secret about the pregnancy so she would know that I wouldn’t be able to be there or contribute much to the costs.

Catherine did not take it well at all. She says I am being unfair and playing favorites like always ( I think she says that because I looked after them more because they were younger). She says I should have planned better by telling everyone sooner about the pregnancy and that I should have had money set aside for her wedding because they can’t afford the wedding themselves and she probably won’t be able to get her deposits back. She also says that since my wife's due date isn't for another month after the wedding that it shouldn't even be an issue. She is now saying she will cut me off if I don’t treat her equally as our other sisters and come to the wedding as well as pay for it.

AIBU?

I think that she is being completely unreasonable. It was kind of you to pay for your younger sisters given that you were single, had the spare income and they were young, not established in careers and without parents able to help. Presumably though they didn't assume that you would do this?

Totally unreasonable to say that because you paid for theirs you now need to pay for older sister. Presumably she has similar opportunities to you. If there is a massive drip feed like your parents only funded you to go to university and not her I might think differently, but based on what you've said she is extremely unreasonable. And anyway she should have asked and not assumed, running around town spending your money!

I think I’d have more sympathy if she got in touch after she’d got engaged to discuss the possibility of you paying for the wedding. However to go ahead and book everything (which she must have had the funds for at least the deposit for??) and then expect you to stump up is ridiculous. Was this how it worked with your younger sisters weddings? Or did you give them a budget to work from and go for my there? To be honest I find it strange that your mum do doesn’t seem to be involved in this process at all? I understand she may not be able to commit financially but surely she can see this is a bit full on for you to be shelling out for 3 weddings???

Twins often come up to a month early. Definately do not leave your wife whilst she is having your twins. If Catherine wants you there she could change the wedding date and must pay for it herself.

I can see why you don’t want to go to the wedding given your wife will be near her due date.
You made a rod for your own back by paying for your younger 2 sisters and now can’t for your older sister, however, IMO she shouldn’t have automatically assumed you were going to pay. She can’t have what you’ve not got, if you can’t afford to pay, then you can’t afford to pay.

So, you & you DW are expecting twins, with some enhanced medical risks to mother & babies in a country that does not have free OB/GYN care as we do here in the UK. You need every penny that you can muster right now, so that’s a period of tight budgeting across the board at home & across The Pond.

No monies for anyone else. End of.
Entirely reasonable.

Catherine has undertaken a series of contracts to deliver goods, products & services for an agreed date with no funds or financial plans to make the payments. Er, more fool Catherine for not managing her financial commitments without checking she has money to pay or can afford to loose the deposits. Poking you for funds after the ink is dry & with no prior explicit discussion about a contribution before the contracts were drawn up is irresponsible, childish & manipulative.

Her attitude towards the wellbeing of your DW & unborn children is illuminating, self-centred & unpleasant.

Catherine is 35yo, functioning adult with established financial independence. On what planetary gas can she assume that you will cough anything for her wedding?

That you acted seemingly as proxy father for your younger sisters on the day was lovely, & going further by paying for their wedding as a traditional parents of the bride may do was very generous of you. But as you say, you were younger, felt the loss of your father more keenly then, had far more disposable cash & fewer responsibilities so your spending was possible. Life has moved on & times have changed, you have all matured, have responsibilities & tighter cash flow so you cannot find the money, & given Catherine’s stance, why would you be so generous?

Congratulations on your growing family.

Not only has the OP's circumstance changed, the relationship is different. He's the older sibling to the two other girls, he took on a fatherly sort of role because they were minors when their actual father passed away.

If the other sisters were younger when they got married, they had had less opportunity to earn and save money. Catherine has been an adult for nearly 20 years, why hasn't she made provisions for her own wedding? Is the fiance asking his family to pay for part of the wedding?

I can’t believe anyone is defending her behaviour! Tell her to bog off and enjoy your new babies when they arrive.

I find family expecting handouts so distasteful, especially as she's older than you so has had time to save. She also didn't discuss with you about attending when you live abroad and it's quite soon! If you really did want to contribute you could both stay in the UK for 3 months and save money by having the twins here. Personally I wouldn't want to spend that much money for giving birth but then I wouldn't pay for an older siblings wedding either.

I don’t think you should have to go but I could see how she’s hurt that you paid for your sisters weddings but won’t do the same for her. It does show favouritism which is something she already clearly feels.

She needs a reality check!!
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SHE is the eldest sibling so why are you the one who has to pay for everyone's weddings? It's absolute bullshit.

I'd let her flounce. She's being a CF and laying on the emotional blackmail.

Your job is to look after your wife and prep for the babies coming, not to meet the demands of your older sister.

Wow, she is being completely unreasonable.

I would simply be saying ‘as much as I’d love to pay for the wedding, I’m just not in a financial position to do so. I’m expecting twins, now have a wife which I didn’t before and I just can’t afford it. I’d also say I was very upset that she would threaten to cut me out because I couldn’t give her money.

She's 35, she's more than old enough to understand why you can't pay.

What's happened is she's assumed you are (she shouldn't have, but understandable I guess since you did for the other two) and now she is a bit thrown and embarrassed, and may have to scale down.

It's no excuse for the threats and tantrum but it's an explanation.

Write her a calm and simple email explaining that you would love to pay but with twins on the way you can't, and as she knows twin pregnancies can be complex so you just aren't able to leave your wife and travel, but you are really looking forward to seeing her and her new husband next year.

I think she'll get over it. I wouldn't mention it to the rest of your family as the chances are it will blow over.

I don’t think snubbing your sisters wedding when you paid almost 20k for the other 2 is something you just get over.
Chances are she will never speak to him again.

Im not saying that’s right either by the way… but if at nearly mid 30s she thought her brother was going to pay still then she clearly feels strongly about it.

Not read all the posts but maybe the other two sisters who benefited from the OP's generosity in the past can contribute to their sister's wedding.

She's only a year younger than you. Your other 2 siblings are considerably younger than both of you. She should have been helping more when your dad died, not left it all up to you.

Tell if she wants to cut contact with you, that's on her, but you don't owe her anything at this stage in your life. Your wife and children have to come first now.

Shes your older sister. She should be supporting you and looking after each other not demanding money

No, she is actually a year older than the OP.

YANBU and I am surprised at some of the comments. You are not obliged to pay for anything or attend.

YANBU, you can do what you like with your own money and should prioritise you family but i fully appreciate why Catherine would be upset. I think all of the sisters should oay a 3rd each to cover Catherine's wedding. Maybe she shouldn't have assumed her wedding would be covered but id be pretty shocked and hurt if my sibling paid for 2 other siblings wedding but then wouldnt do the same for me. Its not like she is demanding out of nowhere, a president has been clearly set, no matter how ridiculous it is.

I think you're an exceptionally lovely DB, OP. You've been brilliant with your younger DSs (and obviously didn't ask older DS to contribute then). She is now a grown up. You have family responsibilities. I actually don't know how she can even ask.

YANBU.
Your situation has changed. I'm sure if you had the spare cash you would pay.
Put your wife and twins first.
Remind your sister she is the eldest and she's lucky you were able to help your younger sisters as really she should have done as the eldest.
It is fair - it's just unfortunate for her. She's a grown up and needs to sort her life out.
Don't feel guilty and don't leave your wife when she will be close to full term - twins come early.
Your sister has time to spit the dummy and pop it back in.

Haven’t read the full thread but make sure you go through this khn.org/news/article/medical-debt-avoid-how-to/ to be sure you aren’t landed with more debt than you need to.

^^ this, all of this!
I can see why Catherine is disappointed but things have changed so much.

I doubt she’s paid the deposit, she’s trying to manipulate you.

Don’t give her a penny. Or cent.

It is not just the birth that might be expensive. There are slightly higher odds of ongoing medical needs. My singleton has a mild chronic condition and even with good medical insurance, our monthly bills are high.