AIBU for not going to my sisters wedding or paying for it?

[maxaten]

I have three sisters. Sister 1 is 35. She’s the main one here so I refer to her as Catherine. My other sisters 2 and 3 as ages 27 and 29. I am 34. Our dad died when I was 17. As I was his only son and older the younger two I took on a sort of fatherly roll for them in certain situations. One of them being my sisters weddings. When my sister 2 and 3 got married I walked them both down the aisle and gave them away. I also paid for their weddings.

Meanwhile Catherine has always said her entire life that she never wanted to get married and was anti-marriage so it never came up. Until last month when my sister announced that she is getting married. She and her fiancé have apparently already picked a wedding date (they want a winter wedding on the same day they first started dating). They have also already booked their venue and caterers. She is expecting me to reimburse her the costs.

The thing is my wife and I are expecting twins. We hadn’t wanted to tell our families until far later in the pregnancy because it is high risk. My wife and I also live in the states. Given that she would be heavily pregnant by the date of the wedding I do not want to be halfway across the word in a different country from her. Also due to the many upcoming expense we are expecting I will also not be able to afford to pay for Catherine’s wedding.

For those above reasons my wife and I agreed it would be okay to let Catherine in on secret about the pregnancy so she would know that I wouldn’t be able to be there or contribute much to the costs.

Catherine did not take it well at all. She says I am being unfair and playing favorites like always ( I think she says that because I looked after them more because they were younger). She says I should have planned better by telling everyone sooner about the pregnancy and that I should have had money set aside for her wedding because they can’t afford the wedding themselves and she probably won’t be able to get her deposits back. She also says that since my wife's due date isn't for another month after the wedding that it shouldn't even be an issue. She is now saying she will cut me off if I don’t treat her equally as our other sisters and come to the wedding as well as pay for it.

AIBU?

Very unlikely that your wife will even be allowed on a flight so close to term date, and even more likely that the twins will have already been born.

Now I have a follow up question - does "Catherine" know that the weddings cost this much?
Hopefully she doesn't and you could present her with a cheque for £5k (and I do think your mother should contribute as it is technically she who is representing your late father and the father of the bride, not you) so it might make it easier if you could even pay for her dress or the dress and cake or dress, cake and DJ for example, so she is getting something paid for.

Nah Catherine is being entitled. I'd send her a modest contribution if you can afford it, but she should have checked with you first before making arrangements.

Ultimately, your situation and priorities have changed and she cannot rely on someone else to fund her life choices.

In some ways, Catherine has a right to be annoyed , you paid for two sisters weddings and not hers. You can see her point of view, it's just a bit a bit black and white.

However, it was bit stupid of her not to talk to you about it before she went and booked everything and presented you with an invoice.

Also, your circumstances are different now, any reasonable person can see that. Maybe when you paid for your other sisters, you didn't have any responsibilities.

So, if she ' cuts you off' over this, then so be it. A sister who expects you to prioritise her wedding costs over your own soon to be twins is an incredibly selfish person that you don't need in your life.

In fairness to you @maxaten , you brought this on yourself by paying for the other two weddings, irrespective of your circumstance or situation at the time.

Again - this is my opinion and just the impression I'm getting based on what I'm reading on the thread.

YANBU. Your older sister is an entitled brat to demand that her little brother pays for her wedding rather than use the money to support his twin babies. I can understand you helping your younger sisters because I assume they were in their early 20s when they married and you also didn’t have any responsibilities back then. It’s different now.

At 35 she should be able to save for and pay for her own wedding, and not - literally - take money from two babies. She could just go to a registry office and then have a party. Surely she can save for that!

Use your hard earned money for your wife and babies, not your entitled big sister.

I find it odd that you felt the need to take on the father role and pay for your sisters weddings. I am shocked that you were able to afford it and that they allowed you to do it too. As for your sister I am not surprised she is upset as you set the precedent by paying for your other siblings .

the whole thing is rather odd tbh

YANBU

She says you should have announced the pregnancy sooner? She can fuck right off with that one. It’s no one’s business apart you and your wife when you tell people about a pregnancy. And twin pregnancy is more risky, and frequently the twins arrive early, I had twins, and for that reason air lines etc recommend not to travel as late in the pregnancy as “normal” . Drs also tend to advise not to travel far.

Regarding the cost of their wedding, she might be peeved because you paid for your other sister’s weddings, but just say that you are no longer in a position to pay in full. If you can then maybe offer to contribute as small-ish amount, whatever you can easily afford with impacting your family.

I think your sister should have asked you before she booked anything, if she was expecting you to foot the bill.

What on earth are people on about... OP doesnt owe his older sister anything, he ISN'T her father and its not his job to give a 40 odd year old a free ride.

He CHOOSE to gift 2 people who are like a child to him money, he doesnt HAVE to give the same to anyone else especially not now his circumstances have changed... why on earth DSis would assume he would is beyond me.

As the oldest I would NEVER expect my younger siblings to pay for me even now they are in their 20s, I do pay for them sometimes though because Im 10+ years older than them so Im the grown up and was the first to have money to spend.

I however would never give money to ANYONE who demanded it like a spoilt brat, not even my kids.

Gotta be honest, at 35 years old, I'd be raising an eyebrow at her expectations of a younger sibling who had the imminent responsibility of twins paying for her wedding. I'd tell her to get lost for being so rude and presumptuous making the bookings.

You don't have to pay for her wedding. You can have a relationship with each of your sisters on your own terms. You really can. They owe that to you.

I do understand a little bit - in my own family there is a similar dynamic, with the eldest boy taking on some parental aspects after our mother died. He has always looked after us, and that includes financially at times.

But as I have gotten older (I'm the youngest by many years), I've come to realise we burdened him in a way. One way I can lift some of this burden is by taking adult responsibility over our relationship and letting him need things, want things, take things, from time to time. He is hard to help in this way and maybe you are too, but it matters. You deserve a sister, not a proxy child. In the long term, it's better for both of you.

This.
Please don’t leave your wife late in pregnancy, babies could easily arrive a bit early. And congratulations to you and your wife.

sorry my mistake on the reread shes 35 not 40 but still the same sentiment

@LookItsMeAgain
Do you have advice for exactly how much debt he should be prepared to go into for Catherine's Sepcial Day?

Times have changes and you now can’t afford it. Catherine is a grown woman and shouldn’t expect you to pay.

Absolutely this!

How established are your other sisters in their careers? I think you should explain the situation and as a family come up with a solution that is supportive of Catherine, and approach everyone including the younger ones as adults.

I can see both your's and your sisters's point of view.

Is it?

I think a 35 year old woman and her fiancé are perfectly capable of paying for their own wedding. Your sister is behaving like a spoilt child. Your financial priority should be your wife and future children, sisters come way down the list.

Then leave. You're not forced to be here.

You really sound like a lovely man. I think you must put your wife and twins first. Why don't you explain to all of your family that you helped your two younger sisters because you could while single and you hadn't properly thought it through. That you're not their dad, that you love them all, but you have to be sensible now. Maybe mum and the other two sisters could help a bit. But don't feel guilty. Unless you're a secret multi-millionaire you're a young man in his early thirties with a lot of responsibilities. Your sister is, in my opinion, being unreasonable. Sure you paid for her sisters but you didn't have to pay for anything. I hope your family can all work together. Saying she will cut you off is cruel and childish. I am sorry to hear this while you and your wife are expecting twins. Best of luck going forwards.