AIBU for not going to my sisters wedding or paying for it?

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I have three sisters. Sister 1 is 35. She’s the main one here so I refer to her as Catherine. My other sisters 2 and 3 as ages 27 and 29. I am 34. Our dad died when I was 17. As I was his only son and older the younger two I took on a sort of fatherly roll for them in certain situations. One of them being my sisters weddings. When my sister 2 and 3 got married I walked them both down the aisle and gave them away. I also paid for their weddings.

Meanwhile Catherine has always said her entire life that she never wanted to get married and was anti-marriage so it never came up. Until last month when my sister announced that she is getting married. She and her fiancé have apparently already picked a wedding date (they want a winter wedding on the same day they first started dating). They have also already booked their venue and caterers. She is expecting me to reimburse her the costs.

The thing is my wife and I are expecting twins. We hadn’t wanted to tell our families until far later in the pregnancy because it is high risk. My wife and I also live in the states. Given that she would be heavily pregnant by the date of the wedding I do not want to be halfway across the word in a different country from her. Also due to the many upcoming expense we are expecting I will also not be able to afford to pay for Catherine’s wedding.

For those above reasons my wife and I agreed it would be okay to let Catherine in on secret about the pregnancy so she would know that I wouldn’t be able to be there or contribute much to the costs.

Catherine did not take it well at all. She says I am being unfair and playing favorites like always ( I think she says that because I looked after them more because they were younger). She says I should have planned better by telling everyone sooner about the pregnancy and that I should have had money set aside for her wedding because they can’t afford the wedding themselves and she probably won’t be able to get her deposits back. She also says that since my wife's due date isn't for another month after the wedding that it shouldn't even be an issue. She is now saying she will cut me off if I don’t treat her equally as our other sisters and come to the wedding as well as pay for it.

AIBU?

Ooh.

It was very kind of you to pay for your younger sisters' weddings, OP. Bu as you say, they were much younger at the time, you were single (and presumably on a good income), and your circumstances have changed enormously.

Catherine and her fiancé had a hell of a nerve booking their wedding and then ordering you to pay for it! Just remind them of your changed circumstances, and that they are a lot older (and presumably more established in their careers) than your younger sisters were.

Now I'd send your grasping sister a nice card and wedding present, and then just focus on your babies and your future. Best of luck to you and your wife with the pregnancy.

I can sort of see C's reasoning for being a bit put out, but she shouldn't have paid deposits for something without speaking to you first.

Your circumstances have changed massively since your other DSis's weddings, not least because you're now married, but expecting twins in America, even with health insurance, is going to be pricey. It wouldn't surprise me none if your $7,800 cap is per child!

While it's not unexpected for her to be disappointed that you can't help out this time around, she shouldn't be throwing her toys out of the pram that you now can't.

She can't afford it and obviously (understandably) doesn't want to go in to debt because of her wedding, but she can't expect you to be a bottomless pit to pay for it, just because she happened to get married last.

You're also well within your rights to throw back the comments of "I'll never get married" and being "anti-marriage" so you didn't think you'd ever even be called on to help out.

As for the date, there's absolutely no way you can go a month before the due date. Twins are often delivered a month early (but don't tell her that or she'll have you trying to book in for an early c-section just so you can attend!).

She's gone from being anti-marriage to being a bridezilla very quickly!

This, my mam was one of 7 and NEVER made any effort to hide who was her favorite (the youngest who was born many years later as a 'midlife crisis' baby and is far closer to my age).

Siblings are not automatically equal besties, its nice if they are but they dont have to be.

My mam growing up with siblings close in age to her fought constantly they always thought the others was getting more than them and hated each other even in to adulthood (if one got a promotion at work another would strop about it being unfair etc...) seems OPs sister has that same type of relationship with him - doesnt actually like or respect him just expects to be owed 'fairness'.

Sounds like the plot of a novel! If she won't be reasonable about it then it's going to ruin your relationship. You can't pay. You need to worry about your dc.for a start of university in the US is going to cost you a fortune! And no don't fly when your wife is 8m pregnant with twins. She will likely have them early anyway.

If she can't see that circumstances are different now then she's crazy. Also putting down deposits without checking you will pay is mental. Sounds like needless drama.

This. I think you've behaved like a saint, OP. It's time to put yourself first, and your older sister should understand that your circumstances have now changed.

It does look unfair.
Two sisters get their wedding paid for, and one doesn't.
I can understand why she is hurt op.

However your circumstances have changed, and you can no longer afford it.

I would write to her and tell how sorry you are, that you love her as much as the others but you simply can not afford to pay for the wedding that financially things have changed for you.

If you were able to stretch to paying for her dress then I would offer to do that.

You could be at the wedding for just a few days and leave your wife at home?

She’s an adult, presumably her fiancée is too. They can pay for their own wedding. Frankly I’d be ashamed to ask, let alone make all this drama

Although with twins they might come early. You might have to play that by ear, but honestly you can join them on a screen and zoom in and celebrate later when you are able to.

I'm surprised at some of these responses. Some people have suggested that you essentially have to pay because you paid for siblings and now you should scrape it together, put it on the credit card or just accept that you owe it to her. You don't.

You had a fatherly role in your younger sisters lives and did a lovely thing. They are quite young now so may have been in their early 20s then which is a world away from a marriage in her mid 30s. If you would like to keep the peace then sit down with Catherine and explain that circumstances have changed and you simply can't and won't make a financial contribution. Tell her that this is not a reflection of his much you love her and that it's a financial decision. Explain that you would like to show your support in other ways such as a filmed video message, a written speech read by another person or a private visit a month or two earlier to meet her husband and perhaps watch them exchange rehearsal vows in a private setting. Be loving and emotionally invested but keep money off the table. She is a clear adult and it's crazy that you would pay for the wedding of an older sibling even if you could afford it. She has had many years to establish her career and should be able to afford her own wedding or modify her plans accordingly. Why should you have less (even if the twins were not relevant) so there your sister can save her money? Madness. Tell her that you're here to support her and love her but have faith in her ability to manage her own finances.

Twins generally do come early although mine were relatively late by only 10 days prior to due date. I also didn't have complications however I'd not have been traipsing around the country with 2 newborns!

She's your big sister, not a younger sister. Tell her to grow up and act like one.

You say you're not telling your family until late in the pregnancy but, God forbid something happens, will you not want their support?

I think you should tell them all, also point out that with twins you're now having to count every penny.

Then message Catherine and say you're sorry she feels left out, life has changed drastically since the young ones got married and you simply do not have the money. You will try and get back for near the wedding depending on what your wife's OBGY Dr says closer to the date. In thw UK she'd be looking at around 36-37 weeks for a planned delivery of MonoDi twins and 37-38 weeks for DiDi twins

She’s expecting someone else to pay for her wedding at 35 years of age??!!!!

You are not her Dad. She is a grown woman.

Of course you should not go. Nor pay.

Her reaction to this is entirely her issue.

Oh wow definitely don’t pay.
I agree with PP advising to have a chat with her and explain why you paid for your sisters at the time and that you love her as much but that your circumstances have changed. Her saying she wasn’t getting married is a very logical reason as to why you didn’t put money aside.

Well she's the eldest maybe she should have taken on the parental role rather than you or you could have shared it. Either way expecting your younger brother to pay for your wedding is ridiculous and even if you wanted to you can't afford it so there isn't anything to debate, if you haven't got the money you can't do it.

Let her cut you off, she doesn't sound like much of a loss.

Did your father actually leave you any money to pay for your sisters' weddings?

If you paid for your other sisters' weddings then I can sort of see why your sister is put out that you can't pay for hers.

But at the same time, weddings are expensive and even if you have a legitimate reason to believe that someone else will pay for yours, you still need to let them know in good time that you are getting married, and raise the issue of money with them before you spend any. You certainly shouldn't be making any financial commitments on the assumption that someone else will pay for them without having discussed it with that person first.

It also sounds like a very short notice wedding. Even if your wife is only three months pregnant and your sister is getting married a month before the due date, that means she can't have given you more than 5 months' notice, which is absolutely ridiculous if she's expecting you to find thousands of pounds to pay for it.

Twins usually come early, so you are obviously not going to be able to travel across the Atlantic a month before your wife's due date.

Your sister shouldn't have booked anything without talking to you first.

she must realise the circumstances are different to what they were then. You are now married with baby’s on the way. Even without babies she should not have assumed you would pay . Your circumstances are different now end of and no I would not go to wedding if she saw me as a cash cow and my wife was heavily pregnant.

I see your side of this but I also see Catherine's- in her situation I would be hurt. I think you need to do something to make it up to her, a gesture at least, so that she doesn't feel like you don't love her as much as your other sisters.

You didn't plan on paying for a wedding she always said she didn't want one.
If you had the $ you would probably help her, but the circumstances are that you cannot afford it, you will not be getting into debt to pay for your older sister's wedding, that she organized without even coming to you to discuss if you could be there, & help financially with at all.
You empathize, you say you can see why she is disappointed, but it's not possible

Tell Catherine that now she knows how you felt when she, as older sibling didn’t cover the cost of your wedding when you covered both your younger siblings.