AIBU for not going to my sisters wedding or paying for it?

[maxaten]

I have three sisters. Sister 1 is 35. She’s the main one here so I refer to her as Catherine. My other sisters 2 and 3 as ages 27 and 29. I am 34. Our dad died when I was 17. As I was his only son and older the younger two I took on a sort of fatherly roll for them in certain situations. One of them being my sisters weddings. When my sister 2 and 3 got married I walked them both down the aisle and gave them away. I also paid for their weddings.

Meanwhile Catherine has always said her entire life that she never wanted to get married and was anti-marriage so it never came up. Until last month when my sister announced that she is getting married. She and her fiancé have apparently already picked a wedding date (they want a winter wedding on the same day they first started dating). They have also already booked their venue and caterers. She is expecting me to reimburse her the costs.

The thing is my wife and I are expecting twins. We hadn’t wanted to tell our families until far later in the pregnancy because it is high risk. My wife and I also live in the states. Given that she would be heavily pregnant by the date of the wedding I do not want to be halfway across the word in a different country from her. Also due to the many upcoming expense we are expecting I will also not be able to afford to pay for Catherine’s wedding.

For those above reasons my wife and I agreed it would be okay to let Catherine in on secret about the pregnancy so she would know that I wouldn’t be able to be there or contribute much to the costs.

Catherine did not take it well at all. She says I am being unfair and playing favorites like always ( I think she says that because I looked after them more because they were younger). She says I should have planned better by telling everyone sooner about the pregnancy and that I should have had money set aside for her wedding because they can’t afford the wedding themselves and she probably won’t be able to get her deposits back. She also says that since my wife's due date isn't for another month after the wedding that it shouldn't even be an issue. She is now saying she will cut me off if I don’t treat her equally as our other sisters and come to the wedding as well as pay for it.

AIBU?

I think if you don’t go to her wedding and treat her the same as you did your other two sisters, you have to understand that you are doing something that will hurt her significantly.

She shouldn’t have booked anything for her wedding without talking to you, but then nor should a bride who has a reasonable expectation of her father paying for her wedding.

If your sister feels like you always play favourites, and from the other things you’ve said, it sounds like you have played favourites tbh. It’s not like she’s much older than you and she lost her dad too. She has a fair point that your wife’s due date is a month away from her wedding so you could go if you wanted to. It’s not ideal for your wife, but you could do it.

@PrinceOfPegging We do have health insurance, but it does not cover everything. That's just not how it works here.

@maxaten She is being unreasonable but I can sort of see why she feels upset about it. it shouldn’t have been you alone to pay for the other weddings either but you did, which was an incredibly kind thing to do. I wonder if you could forgive your sister this unreasonable expectation, and instead ask your other sisters to contribute to Catherine’s wedding?

I think just like you I would have taken Catherine at her word that she never wanted marriage, and you should perhaps really emphasise this point, say something like that in hindsight you probably should have set money aside but you believed her when she said it wasn’t for her.

It’s a very tricky one, she is being selfish and spoilt, but because you paid for two other sisters I can also see why she might be deeply hurt. Like she isn’t as loved because she’s older, I’m sure she felt that her little sisters got a father figure, her mother got an extra pair of hands to help carry the burden of losing her husband but maybe Catherine felt she needed to fight it all on her own.

She’s an older sibling, so it’s a bit off for her to see you in a parental role but your descriptions suggest you very much did take on this position of patriarch and it sounds like your family might be somewhat traditional and in her mind you probably seem like a surrogate father even though you’re younger.

If she’s not otherwise a bad person, I would probably do everything I could to get it back on track. Partly, she might just feel so embarrassed that she had assured her fiancé that you would be stepping up to take care of costs and now she has landed them both in it inadvertently.

It is unfair, even if you had just given £50 to younger sisters. People find unfairness extraordinary difficult to deal with, especially from loved ones , where is is also jumbled in with feeling of being less loved, rejected etc if you are on receiving end of unfairness.

have you discussed situation with your younger sisters? How do they feel…is there anyway they could help contribute something towards your sister wedding with you? What about mum? To me it’s sound like it needs a full family discussion. You need to reassure your sister she is loved by you all just as much and that you would love to help if you could. Then tell your full story, why it’s difficult , then ask her to explain how she feels and issues she has with you not contributing in way she assumed. Talk to each other. Try to find common ground and try to think imaginatively how to solve it. Neither of you wanted to be in this position, and probably your mum and sisters don’t, so work together to try to think creatively…at very least she’ll feel listened to and acknowledged, not as a money grabbing bridezilla, but just as your sister who feels she matters less .

as for travelling to wedding- keep that seperate and say it needs to be discussed seperately. Agree travelling is a non starter . But there are other ways to contribute on the day…can you do the “father” of bride speech by video link, can she live stream and know you are watching and have a call with you at start of reception and again later in day . Can you have a call with her once she’s dressed and ready to set off, talk to her and whoever can stand in for you to giv3 her away. Maybe prepare a few words form you for her that whoever gives her away says to her on your behalf. Be interested and ask about her arrangements. Perhaps visit in person to uk, before your wife travel cut off and take her and fiancé out for special meal ahead of wedding- show her you love her, want to be on her day, but happy events for both of you have clashed and it’s not possible to be there physically.

Only on MN could you be in the wrong for paying for the weddings of your two sisters!

Now your circumstances have altered.......

@Underscore21 My eldest sister did not contribute to our younger sisters weddings, but she did give them both a decent gift. Our mother is not very well off so she did not financially contribute to the weddings, but she helped out a lot with setup, picking things up, and organizing things.

I was scrolling down the responses waiting for that 😂

@maxaten she’s out of order (because circumstances change) but I can see why she’s a bit put out. Easy with hindsight to say should not have paid for any or, should have given all 3 same amount of money to do ‘whatever’ with.

Can you just say, “now we live in the US and I am married I just don’t have the disposable income. However, what I WILL do is give you the same sum I gave other sisters, just I may not be able to do it for X years - after all none of us got money from parents and, you are older and always said anti- marriage. Also you have had time to save etc”

that might at least put things on an even keel again, but doesn’t help her now. But she’s supposed to be a grown up and ought to have asked you anyway because not to is plain rude!

Firstly - congratulations on the impending births. Anyone who has had twins (or knows anyone who has had twins) will tell you that they are usually delivered a few weeks before their actual due date so I would bear that in mind when you're talking with your sister.

As you have already paid for the weddings of the other siblings, I think you would (or perhaps you and your mother would) be expected to contribute to your sister's wedding. Can I ask how much each of the other weddings cost you (approximately - because due to inflation everything is becoming more expensive so I'd factor in that if the previous weddings cost say £3k, that is the amount that between you and your mother - who is representing her late husband - should contribute towards this wedding for example).

Next - if your sister was expecting you to contribute towards the costs of her wedding, she shouldn't have approached it as if she had a limitless credit card. So, if she is saying that she cannot get her deposits back, what are we talking about here?

I think, all things considered, you should have budgeted for Catherine to get married at some point and if she didn't, you could have had a nest egg that she wouldn't have been aware of that you could either have presented her with on a one-to-one basis or you could have used it yourself. Now I do think you will have to step up and somehow match the cost you spent on one of the other 2 sisters. I realise that is going to be very tough on you but as you've done it for the other two where there was no obligation to do it, I think you will have to do it here. But here ends your donations/responsibility, financial or otherwise to your siblings. Your children should come first.

To be honest Catherine should have checked with you before booking venues and paying deposits rather than assuming you would pay. Can’t believe anyone would be so silly not to have a conversation before doing this sort of thing.

I can see why she assumed but she’s the one at fault here not you.

You are in a difficult position.
On the one hand she thinks that if you paid for her sisters, you should pay for her too (although a grown up woman in her 30s expecting her brother to pay for her wedding is pretty ridiculous in this day and age).
On the other you were in a different position when you paid for your sisters, you were very generous but you were single with no other family commitments.
You now have a pregnant wife to prioritise.

Can your younger sisters pay for hers?

@rookiemere The first one I think was a little over £9,000 the second one was more around £8,000.

Didn’t Obamacare significantly cap the costs though?

She is rude, grabby and entitled. She should have waited for you to offer to pay before she assumed you’d pay for a grown woman’s wedding.

If you’re not in the same financial position as you were when you paid for the others, how on earth can she demand you pay for anything. Batshit.

Ah well, if it's twins, that's different.

Is your sister asking for a similar amount now or is it more?

@buzzbuzzybuzz I sort of doubt it.

Maybe your sisters can help pay for it considering you saved them thousands?

YANBU though, your circumstances have changed and it's not your responsibility to pay for.

TBH I think even if you were their parent, you might pay for a very young daughter's wedding but it's unusual to have your parents pay in your 30s

No you aren't being unreasonable at all, as Catherine is older than you, you are not going to step into the 'fatherly' role with her, where as you did want to look after the younger two sisters, I think Catherine is being unreasonable for assuming at the age of 35 she expects her younger brother to pay for a wedding she has already planned and booked, I'd tell her to jog on

You aren't obligated to pay for her wedding at all. Siblings do not have to play samesies or be fair..

You absolulty can pick and choose your favourites and exclude others because by the time you get to adults your choosing to be in each others lives rather than forced

Tough shit she gets nothing that's not your problem

They presumably discussed their plans with him before making financial commitments he couldn’t afford. She’s gone ahead making deposits after no discussion at all and is insisting he pays for whatever she’s chosen or she’ll cut him off. It’s blackmail.

If I were the younger sister and someone said this to me I would genuinely piss myself with laughter

Yes YABU but so is your sister. No one is coming out of this well.

You were unreasonable to give your two young sisters a big wedge of cash for a non essential life decision they made (i don't mean getting married, but having a costly wedding which is not essential) and not give your other sister the same or think to put some aside just in case. Of course you're not obliged to pay for her, and your circumstances have changed etc but that's something you should have thought about at the time. Giving two out of three siblings a massive gift and leaving the other out is always going to lead to resentment (unless the gift is something really essential like paying medical bills for a life saving op, or helping pay for home adaptstions following a disability). Surely you can understand that.

She should have checked with you first but it's not unreasonable of her to have assumed that youd extend thr same generosity as you did to the other two.

She should definitely not be demanding the money if you dont have it, or telling you how you should have done things wih the pregnancy, or saying your wife should fly at 8 months pregnant when it's high risk etc.

It's hard to tell if she is an entitled brat or if she is really upset because it's a long line of ways you've treated them differently because of their age